We all feel these feelings, living with and alcoholic. Just from these words, it tells me that you are in some way suffering from abuse. You wouldn't feel all those feelings in a healthy relationship. Your partner would rather die than cause you feel any of those feelings because of them. But when you are in a toxic relationship, your partner doesn't even think about and in some cases care that they are causing you pain and suffering. If they are narcissistic or sociopathic, they may even enjoy making you feel these feelings.

Just know that you have nothing to be guilty or ashamed of. You aren't the one making the horrible choice of being an alcoholic and mistreating those you are supposed to love and protect. You did nothing the cause his drinking or make him continue to drink. You do not deserve to be treated in any way that he is choosing to treat you. He already had this inside him. Nobody made him make the choice to use drinking as a coping mechanism for life. Nobody but him makes him continue to abuse alcohol.. He is the only one who can change his choices and behavior. They just use everyone else as an excuse to keep doing what the are doing.

It is normal to feel angry, frustrated, betrayed and heartbroken. But you can work through these emotions and get to the root of all these feelings. Someday, get to a point where you learn to not let anyone elses behavior affect you in any way you don't want it to. You have within yourself, the power to grow, change, heal, feel joy and feel whole. One day, you will realize that you don't need anyone else to give you these feelings that are already inside of you. You just have to dig them up and dust them off. We all have these abilities inside us, but our AH doesn't or cannot find these within themselves. Someday, you will be your own superhero and you will feel amazing. Someday, you will see the bright, beautiful, deserving, strong woman that you.

All that energy and love you have poured on your AH, put into yourself and others, who can appreciate and give it back. Turn away from worrying about his choices and action, focus on how you are going to react to your life from now on and the choices you will make, to improve your situation.

And one of the best weapons in this war you are in, that you didn't sign up for, is knowledge. Learn all you can about how alcoholics act, think and treat others. Learn about the many different forms of abuse you have suffered and all the ways that you were abuse. The games and manipulations, so that you know how to face them and not get trapped in the cycles of abuse. And someday be able to detach and separate yourself from the affects of the abuse.

Find a therapist who understands alcoholism and the abuses you have endured. Possible go to Al-anon meetings.

You are not alone in this battle sister. We are all here for you, to help you through.

Thank you so much bluesprite72. I woke up this morning and got right in the shower (unlike me to do first thing) I got dressed and he asks "You going somewhere?" I told him that I was leaving. He said "On. Christmas Eve Day?" I replied "You made your choice and it's not me!" When I was in the car he came out to ask me why...here we go again. So I came inside and he apologized and I wanted to talk about his drinking but he gets defensive, yells, walks away etc. I know there's no more...well I think I am sure...alcohol hidden in the house. He was so concerned about it being Christmas Eve before but what is he doing??? Sleeping. I am so over this!! But I am trapped. I don't have a job...because if I left the house and he was here by himself I know what he will do...I can't just ignore it because we have a little dog and I'm afraid he might stumble and hurt her. (Not intentionally) so I have no money...no place to go and I am not strong enough (yet) what I do know is that I made the right choice joining this group. I really need to be able to share with other who truly know what I'm going through.

Start putting some money aside in an account just for you, and is it possible for you to either get some schooling and/or get a job? You need to be able to be self-sufficient to leave a bad relationship, unless you have family or close friends you can move in with until you get on your feet. You’re not alone in all that you’re going through, you’ll find that so many of the women here have been there done that. It took me a good eight years of his drinking getting progressively worse, and me being in a place where we could separate. It’s not an easy process by any means, but it’s very worth it. Having peace of mind and a alcoholic stress free life is priceless.

I agree with Newlife4me... start planning your life without him. His drinking can get a whole lot worse and it probably will.

You deserve better. You might have a tough time on your own for awhile, but it will be better than a lifetime with a drunk.

We are rooting for you!

You are not alone and I am sorry you are going through it. It can be the most helpless feeling sometimes. They say one thing and then do another. My hubby also gets defensive when I talk about it because he doesn’t think it’s “that big of a deal.” It hurts that they can’t see the fully gravity of the situation. Stay strong and continue to do what is best for you. And keep reminding yourself that none of this is your fault. This is his issue.