This one is an emotional post so please bare with me...My AH has been out of rehab now for a week. So far he has been clean for 4 weeks but I am waiting for the fall. I cannot fully believe he is "cured" yet. I am still adamant in ending this but now he is starting with the guilt trips and emotional abuse. Blaming me for everything. Telling me I am being selfish and that breaking up our marriage is not fair to the kids. His guilt trips confuse me and I start thinking maybe he has really found sobriety, maybe this is it. But then again, I will never trust him ever again. I will always look out for the clues, I will always check his car to see if it is hot (if he drove the engine will be hot), I will always sniff him and look for that look in his eyes... The list could go on, I have made the conscious decision to leave him and to end this vicious cycle. The hardest part is waiting to see that light at end of the tunnel. I am afraid all men are like him and the next one will be worse. Even though I know that I will run if I see the signs of an addict. The worst thing is before we had kids, when I realized something was not right, I had an affair. I was madly in love with this man. But he was married with kids. I knew he would never leave his wife. He was caring and loving and was my companion. I didn't have the guts to leave my husband then cause I wasn't ready. To this day, I wonder if I made a mistake. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. On the other hand, I have 3 amazing kids who wouldn't be around today had I have left. It's so hard these ups and downs. I have days that I am happy and enjoy the peacefulness, but there are days where I get depressed and think is this it? What man will want a 35 year old mother of 3? What man will love me again? What if my AH has really found himself? What if I am making the biggest mistake of my life? What if we could fix all of this and live a good life together for the sake of our kids? On the other hand so much has happened these past few years, he has hurt me over and over, disappointed me endless times. Why should jeopardize myself or my kids? I know tomorrow is another day. I am sure I will feel different in the morning. But it still hurts feeling like this. Doubting yourself and your own happiness.