Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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rachey98 12/06/2015

This one is an emotional post so please bare with me...My AH has been out of rehab now for a week. So far he has been clean for 4 weeks but I am waiting for the fall. I cannot fully believe he is "cured" yet. I am still adamant in ending this but now he is starting with the guilt trips and emotional abuse. Blaming me for everything. Telling me I am being selfish and that breaking up our marriage is not fair to the kids. His guilt trips confuse me and I start thinking maybe he has really found sobriety, maybe this is it. But then again, I will never trust him ever again. I will always look out for the clues, I will always check his car to see if it is hot (if he drove the engine will be hot), I will always sniff him and look for that look in his eyes... The list could go on, I have made the conscious decision to leave him and to end this vicious cycle. The hardest part is waiting to see that light at end of the tunnel. I am afraid all men are like him and the next one will be worse. Even though I know that I will run if I see the signs of an addict. The worst thing is before we had kids, when I realized something was not right, I had an affair. I was madly in love with this man. But he was married with kids. I knew he would never leave his wife. He was caring and loving and was my companion. I didn't have the guts to leave my husband then cause I wasn't ready. To this day, I wonder if I made a mistake. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. On the other hand, I have 3 amazing kids who wouldn't be around today had I have left. It's so hard these ups and downs. I have days that I am happy and enjoy the peacefulness, but there are days where I get depressed and think is this it? What man will want a 35 year old mother of 3? What man will love me again? What if my AH has really found himself? What if I am making the biggest mistake of my life? What if we could fix all of this and live a good life together for the sake of our kids? On the other hand so much has happened these past few years, he has hurt me over and over, disappointed me endless times. Why should jeopardize myself or my kids? I know tomorrow is another day. I am sure I will feel different in the morning. But it still hurts feeling like this. Doubting yourself and your own happiness.

here2gethappy 12/07/2015

Rachey, I'm so sorry you're in this position. I feel so similarly. I know i need to leave. I have 3 kids with my AH, and the guilt I feel is unbearable. I feel guilty for staying. Guilty for leaving. He gets clean for a week, a month, a few months, but he always goes back to it. I know you have regrets or thoughts of the "what ifs" around leaving a long time ago. I think we all wonder what it would be like if we left sooner. But, all we can do is learn from that and remember that we need to be in control of ourselves and our actions. Our AHs can't control us. That's what their guilt trips are intended to do - make us feel week and make us feel like we are the ones in the wrong. I'd convinced everyone in my life to give AH another chance, and reluctantly they did. This Thanksgiving was the first one I spent at my parents' house in years because AH wasn't welcome there. But they invited him this time - and he got drunk, walked 4 miles to their house from the bar, woke them up at midnight, and threatened that our kids wouldn't be welcomed in there home again if they didn't take down a family picture that didn't have him in it. So, he's again, not welcome in their home. He blew it. and yet, I still find myself feeling guilty because I didn't go to the bar and pick him up (he said he had a ride home).

I hope you can find the strength to leave. Sounds like you know you need to. I think I need to spend a couple weeks building up my "shell" so that I can just matter-of-factly deflect all of the insults and guilt that he's going to throw my way. I hope you can do the same. You deserve to be happy. No one can know what the future holds in terms of other men, but there ARE good men out there that will want you for you, and your kids too. Don't let that be the fear that keeps you from making an attempt to seek happiness.

rachey98 12/07/2015

Thanks here2gethappy it sounds like you are in a similar situation like mine. We know what we have to do and just have to do it. Put ourselves first, but it's hard to do.
10 years ago my father heard about a drunk episode of my AH and told me "you do not need problems like these, marriage is hard enough" but I was too young and naive to listen to him. Since then my AH was never welcome into my "family". Now that I have decided to leave, my Dad and I have started talking again and are building some type of relationship. I have friends that told me to leave years ago, but i just couldn't do it, even though I knew I needed to. All i can tell you is these guilt trips are killing me. Why should i feel guilty about wanting peace and quiet in my life? Why should I feel guilty about how divorce will affect the kids? Where was here all these years? Did he ever think once about me or the kids? His actions brought us to this point, so why I the one taking the blame?

naezer 12/07/2015

My AH used guilt trips too. Lots of them. He manipulated the situation every chance he got. I completely lost myself. I got to where I couldn't make a decision because I feared his disappointment if I picked the wrong thing. Being around him was like walking on eggshells, I could never do anything right, even though I tried to be perfect.

Eventually, I realized I was staying out of fear. After all those guilt trips, manipulation, verbal threats, it came down to fear. He had promised that if I left him, I wouldn't get custody of our daughter, that he would ruin me financially, that he would drag the divorce out, etc. I was afraid what he said was true. He had a way with words and made me fear him and what he was capable of.

Somewhere along the line I embraced a new motto. It started as "Free of Fear". It then became "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." I filed for divorce a few months ago. Scariest thing I ever did. I felt a ton of fear. I just held onto faith that things would work. So far, things are. Not exactly how I wanted them to (I wanted things to be amicable), but I'm moving forward and becoming stronger every day.

snowbodyinparticular 12/07/2015

I read somewhere that the thing we dislike the most about others is that which is in ourselves and scares us the most about our own personalities. I know I have been accused of perceived wrongs; things he is really the one guilty of.

It seems common to all of us that our loved ones are guilting us. They do not want to accept responsibility for their actions. [I am not claiming that we make the best decisions always--I know I do not. I sometimes get really nasty with my husband when he comes home pie-eyed, knowing full well that it will not help at all.]

My biggest problem is my brain. I over analyze everything, and often wonder how much of this IS my fault. I think the doubting is also common to all of us, and I am not completely sure anyone other than the women here would completely understand that.

jennybobenny 12/08/2015

Sometimes I used to wonder that if I stopped blaming myself, would I even matter anymore in this equation? I know that sounds silly, but addiction is bigger than us. It knows know bounds. And I don't mean this as a blow to anyone's ego, but we're not significant enough to cause this much damage and chaos. I'm having a hard time articulating this. Does it make any sense to anyone?

It's not your fault. Sure, you do things that might make it worse, but it's not your fault.

rachey98 12/08/2015

Addiction is not our faults and we have no power over this disease. We do have the power over ourselves, reactions and the actions we take. It is becoming clearer to me, after reading all of these posts, that we are all very similar in personality. We over-analyze, are people pleasers, have bad childhoods, always worry about others, don't know how to put ourselves first, have no self-esteem, the list can go on. It's interesting that the alcohlics also have similar personalities... All I can say is we have to look out for ourselves and when the going gets tough, we need to go! We are not at fault for anything. Even our reactions to them when they are drunk are normal human reactions. We act like battered wives cause even without the physical abuse (and I know there are some of us who deal/dealt with that as well), they have a power over us that makes us shiver in our pants. We need to stay strong and stand up for ourselves.

jennybobenny 12/09/2015

Yeah I was just telling my therapist today how unoriginal everyone's stories are about addiction. How predictable each addict is once you've been through it once. I've been around 3 addicts... My mom, and two boyfriends. It wasn't until just this year I'm finally getting it. I'm finally noticing all the patterns that are the same in each addictive/co-dependent relationship. It kind of irritates me that my story is not new to anyone. Lol!!

petey49 12/09/2015

Rachey98: Let go of the past "what ifs". You can't do anything about them, they are toxic to your today. Control what you can, let go or accept what you can't. You are thinking about "the next man" and asking what man would want a 35 year old with 3 kids! Stop that, think about ONLY you and your kids. Work on you and them. Happiness comes from within. If you depend on someone else to make you happy you are going to be disappointed. If that someone else does come around again, he will only enhance your happiness not create it. You do NOT NEED a man in your life to be happy.

I do not think that alcoholism is ever cured, just controlled. You will always have to be aware that the situation can change in the blink of an eye.

A lot of stress and emotional turmoil comes from uncertainty. Making a decision, any decision, is what gives personal power. You can always give your self a cut-off point sometime in the future, which will allow you time to assess the situation. When that cut-off time comes, then make a decision. Making a concious decision to not do anything is a decision. Now comes the really hard part; once you make a decision ACT on it, do not doubt it, do not regret it, let go of the past, move forward. My personal motto is "Everything works out in the long run; you just don't know how long the long run is."

Sorry for sounding tough, but this is what is working for me. I made the decision to stay with my AH, that has given me peace in that I am not questionning if I should stay or go. Now that I am staying, I am arming myself against his disease. I feel my personal power and am looking after myself. I will control what I can, accept (or discard) what I can't. I will not let the past or things I can not control eat up my power. Yes, there will be battles and bleak times, but in the end (whenever that will be) all will work out.

Here is a big hug (as they are powerful as well)!!!

jessica810 12/09/2015

The doubting is the most difficult part of it, you doubt yourself, your decisions and everything that exists around me. I got the courage to end it with my alcoholic partner and just sat listening to all the bollocks that came out of his mouth. He knows he has a problem but thinks that he doesn't, he even goes to AA once a week but I can picture him just sitting at the back and going through the motions.

They blame everyone and everything they can to dig themselves out of the problem that they have caused. I think now that I am stronger in myself I can listen to him without anymore guilt. Don't get me wrong he is very intelligent and can manipulate me with his words but I now switch off when he starts, or I just walk away. Luckily I do not have children but I do have 3 wasted terrible years that I will never get back.

Be strong and do everything for yourself not him.

jessica810 12/09/2015

rachey98 12/14/2015

So update for all those curious out there... He lasted 2 weeks....Last Saturday we made plans that I will take all 3 kids to him at his parents house. This was the first time I was going to leave all 3 kids (he usually takes the twins) since my son is 2 years old, too hard for them all to watch him. So I drove the kids there and even stayed for a few hours. We went shopping, bought the kids some presents and everything was great. Then on the way back to his parents he said he had to take out cash, and dropped us off. He came back about 10 minutes later and he had that look in his eyes but I figured it was nothing. I left and was on my home and he called me and started crying to me, why am i leaving him like this, why can't i wait to see if he can really change, etc. About 15 minutes later his father called me and told me i need to come back and pick up the kids that he drank and went out to buy more. How do I explain how I felt this time? I was crushed. It was the first time in 3 months that I was going to have a night to myself. I had made plans and everything. On top of that I was stuck with all 3 kids for the next day because htey were on vacation. So what did I do? I went and pikced them up (he is very lucky he wasn;t there when I aarrived cause i would have killed him on the spot that;s how mad I was). I then took the kids home and sat on the phone for 2 hours until i found a babysitter and i went out that evening. I was not going to let him spoil my evening. And I had an awesome night in spite of everything. The next day I got the usual phone calls, "How did I do this?" "I have nothing to live for", etc. I told him my one comment is I am dissapointed and your kids are dissapointed. You ruined their fun night with you and their vacation day when they were going to spend quality time with all of you. I guess his fall only encourages even more that I am doing the right thing here. The sad thing is I cannot trust him at all. A week ago he even came and picked up the kids, took them out and had a great time. Now I know that it's way too early for him to be trusted.

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