Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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shanbanan 10/03/2010

I am 30 years old, and in July I married my best friend. However, he is an alcoholic. I started to realize this in the early stages of dating, but we had so much fun, and amazing sex and just became the best of friends that it didn't matter to me at first. It wasn't that bad in the beginning either, but when we found a place that we loved and moved in together (not in a house, but a suite) things started getting bad and we suffered financially. I liked to drink when I met him, but socially, not by myself. Since then, I have to drink almost everyday, mostly when I have work off the next day. I can't help but blame him, as that's what we do. He had a horrific childhood and had a dead beat dad and his mom died when he was 13. He was in and out of foster care, and eventually found who he calls his parents. They helped him turn his life around. He drinks to become numb from bad news, or just because he's bored. He is about to start drunk driving school after receiving his second DUI. Needless to say, for 3 months while he didn't have a license we were living on my income alone. He is a truck driver, so his job in driving, and with no license, he didn't work. He is back to work now, but the financial stress is still very bad, not only due to him not working but we also paid for our wedding. I love him dearly, and he really tries to stop. How can I ask him to stop, when I don't want to stop myself? I would come home from work, and he'd be so drunk, and wouldn't eat all day, and I'd have to clean up the mess. We want a family, and a home, and well a normal life, but we need help to get out of debt. Liking alcohol isn't helping. I just don't know what to do

deleted_user 10/04/2010

I'm glad you found this group shanbanan. I'm new here myself, and have already found comfort in talking about my problems with others & realizing that my problems are not uniquely mine.

I've been married about 2.5 years, and every time my hubby goes overboard on his drinking I look back & wanna kick myself for not seeing the "warning signs" before we tied the knot. I do believe he has gotten worse over time-- maybe it's part of that whole being w/someone for so long, getting comfortable with them and not really trying to manage/hide your flaws. Our true colors come out eventually, ya know?

FWIW I can relate to the whole needing to drink daily; I got into that cycle too, whether I was stressed out b/c of him, b/c we were kinda "feeding" off of each other, you name it. I have cut my own drinking back quite a bit the last couple of months due to health problems, and I am starting to think that maybe it's making a dent in hubby's drinking as well. Without taking the "holier than thou" approach, maybe if you can reduce your own drinking, it just might slow his down a bit, at least temporarily?

I'm sure you've heard this already, but maybe consider counseling. I don't know if he has had any therapy in relation to his childhood, or what his views on therapy are, but it would be so helpful to have a neutral ground where you can remind him of your shared goals: a home, a family, and getting out of debt. With a therapist's guidance, maybe once he reiterates the dreams you two share, he will be more driven to acheive them. And if for some reason he is against it, you should still find some support on your own. I know therapy isn't cheap, but I'm sure this board has discussions on affordable alternatives, group sessions, etc.

Welcome to the board, I've been finding lots of helpful info & support here and am sure you will as well. You are not alone!!

deleted_user 10/04/2010

I wish that I could tell you it will improve, but I can't. I married an alcoholic 12 yrs ago. I was a young widow and jsut wanted someone to love me again. I turned a blind eye to what signs were right in front of me.
In 12 yrs I have gained about40 pounds and have had on many occasions drank right along with him.. it seemed to make it hurt less... reality.
I made a huge mistake... Stop the rollercoaster before you ahve a child.. I didn't and now I can't get off...

deleted_user 10/04/2010

The best things that a wife of an alcoholic can do, that I have figured out, is to stop trying to do things that might change his behavior and simply decide what is acceptable for your life, believe that you are empowered enough and deserving enough to have your boundaries respected, and then live your life, for yourself. This 3 step process can take so many different forms from woman to woman, and it is only results based in one area... YOU, not your hubby, start feeling better about YOU and start realizing that his behavior, twisted comments, lack of love, is NOT your fault, that you did NOT do anything to cause it, and that you can NOT do anything to fix it. It's up to him and him alone. Doing this 3 step process will leave the AH standing with him mouth open like a surprised kid on a playground, uttering jumbled phrases like "wh..wh... wh... why aren't you pl..pl...pl...playing my game anymore." And you can simply utter back... "I told you before. I don't like the way you play, and I don't want to play that game anymore." And then go make up your own game and don't play his. Some AH's might go sink into further self-pity and regress more and more. It's a chance you take but you can't live their lives for them... can't make decisions for them. Others might manipulate you just long enough to get you playing the game again and then, wham, you're back in the twisted game and you have to tell them you're not playing again. Still other AH's might go seek help at this point. Every situation is different but every problem is the same. The only solution is the solution that the AH decides to pursue. Your only solution is to deal with yourself.

It's sad but true.

All the best. Glad you're here.

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