I feel like I can't go home. Who knows what waits for me there? Last night was so bad. I am at work and would just as soon stay here forever rather than face the unknown at home. My husband of twenty years is an alcoholic. He has taken to secretly drinking because he knows I can't tolerate it or his behavior when he does drink. And last night was just another example of why I should leave, should run for the hills, so why do I stay or keep going back? He pretends he likes to grill. It just gives him the excuse he needs to go outside out of my sight and drink to his heart's content. When he comes stumbling back into the house dropping all the food he just cooked and I say, what is wrong with you? He says what is wrong with you? I found the whiskey bottle hidden outside. Even presenting that to him would not make him admit that he had drank it. Does he think I am stupid? Even if I didn't find the bottle of alcohol, I can always tell when he's been drinking. I am a pro at recognizing the signs. I know you should not try to have a conversation with someone who is drunk, but sometimes you just can't help yourself. You get so mad you just have to say something. Like why do you keep doing this? And lying about it? And hiding it? I know. And you know I know. He told me last night I was probably going to get my period and that is why I was acting like such a b****! Wow. Yeah. Must be my period that causes all of these problems. So just from me questioning him, it turned into a war of words. He decided I was not allowed to have electricity last night. For whatever reason. He turned the power off. When I turned it back on, he became enraged. It became a game of I turn it on and he turns it off. Then he decided I could not have running water either. So he turned that off as well. When he went outside to shut the power off again after I had turned it back on, I locked him out of the house. He broke down the door to get back in. And blamed that on me. I get blamed for everything that he does. I know it's time to leave him. I have done it before and came back only when he had sobered for a long period of time. But this time is different. This time will have to be permanent. Because right now I am sitting at work even though all of my work is done, afraid to go home because I know he has been drinking all day since he had the day off. So I am supposed to walk through my broken front door and find him in an even worse state than he was yesterday? I don't really have anywhere else to go. I don't like to bother people with my problems. But after reading some of the posts here, I feel like at least there are people out there who are going through the same thing. It gives me strength to go on. And hope that I can survive this as hard as it may be. So thanks to everyone for sharing and caring. We all need it so desperately it's hard to even admit it.