Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
My husband lost his license in a police traffic control point on Monday.
Besides this event making me disappointed in angry, I began to think about how to get out of this marriage. After 15 years I am tired. All of the rehab and support and this back-and-forth thing between recovery and relapse is wearing me out, so I went to a lawyer. Time to "let go" - or so I thought.
Some of my friends here at DS told me I have to learn to "let go". The problem is they can lean back in the luxury of actually being allowed to "let go". I can't - and it has nothing to do with will power.
You see I live in a social democracy, better known as the Federal Republic of Germany, and thanks to the AA, alcoholism is not just an anti-social behaviour and an addiction. It is now officially recognised as a "disease" like AIDS, cancer or diabetes.
So my lawyer informed me that I get the short-end of the stick in the event of a divorce. I not only have to pay for his DUI fine (about 2000 dollars), but I am forced to support him during the mandatory year of pre-divorce separation and will have to pay him alimony afterwards until he can support himself. The reason for this is because I am the responsible party in our marriage, and therefore the "stronger" party. He is unemployed (because he lost his license) and the "weaker" party, and I must support (enable) him - even if I move out.
Here are things I cannot do:
- Get a court order to force him to undergo therapy (smacks too much of the 3rd Reich for the Germans)
- Get a court order to evict him from the house (too heartless for a "sick" person)
- Get a court oder to force him to go to work (not allowed by their constitution)
- Close our joint bank account and start my own (not allowed by our bank due to the mortgage)
- Move out and let him fend for himself (my wages will be docked once he applies for welfare)
- Declare him insane and have him put in a psyche ward - this can only happen if he attacks someone in public in delirium and not me! If he attacks me, it is "only" domestic violence, and he is still allowed to live at home
- Get a speedy divorce on the grounds of hardship - alcoholism is a "disease" and not a "hardship" unless he regularily beats me.
Here are things I must do:
- Provide food for him
- Provide housing for him
- Provide clothing for him
- Cover his incurred debts so long they were not for illicit things like alcohol, drugs, or commercial sex
- Provide him with medical coverage
- Provide services such as telephone, pay-tv and computer access (anything which is considered "normal" lifestyle)
To put it shortly, this country sees to it that I must enable him except that I do not have to give him alcohol, tobacco, narcotics or pocket money to purchase these things.
I am reduced to having no other choice than become extremely controlling and abusive in order to manipulate him into choosing therapy, getting his license back and finding employement. I would rather allow him to find his own way; to let go, but still care and encourage him to choose another path, but now I don't have a choice - it's me or him. The state has declared me his shepard, and this sucks!
:(
Besides this event making me disappointed in angry, I began to think about how to get out of this marriage. After 15 years I am tired. All of the rehab and support and this back-and-forth thing between recovery and relapse is wearing me out, so I went to a lawyer. Time to "let go" - or so I thought.
Some of my friends here at DS told me I have to learn to "let go". The problem is they can lean back in the luxury of actually being allowed to "let go". I can't - and it has nothing to do with will power.
You see I live in a social democracy, better known as the Federal Republic of Germany, and thanks to the AA, alcoholism is not just an anti-social behaviour and an addiction. It is now officially recognised as a "disease" like AIDS, cancer or diabetes.
So my lawyer informed me that I get the short-end of the stick in the event of a divorce. I not only have to pay for his DUI fine (about 2000 dollars), but I am forced to support him during the mandatory year of pre-divorce separation and will have to pay him alimony afterwards until he can support himself. The reason for this is because I am the responsible party in our marriage, and therefore the "stronger" party. He is unemployed (because he lost his license) and the "weaker" party, and I must support (enable) him - even if I move out.
Here are things I cannot do:
- Get a court order to force him to undergo therapy (smacks too much of the 3rd Reich for the Germans)
- Get a court order to evict him from the house (too heartless for a "sick" person)
- Get a court oder to force him to go to work (not allowed by their constitution)
- Close our joint bank account and start my own (not allowed by our bank due to the mortgage)
- Move out and let him fend for himself (my wages will be docked once he applies for welfare)
- Declare him insane and have him put in a psyche ward - this can only happen if he attacks someone in public in delirium and not me! If he attacks me, it is "only" domestic violence, and he is still allowed to live at home
- Get a speedy divorce on the grounds of hardship - alcoholism is a "disease" and not a "hardship" unless he regularily beats me.
Here are things I must do:
- Provide food for him
- Provide housing for him
- Provide clothing for him
- Cover his incurred debts so long they were not for illicit things like alcohol, drugs, or commercial sex
- Provide him with medical coverage
- Provide services such as telephone, pay-tv and computer access (anything which is considered "normal" lifestyle)
To put it shortly, this country sees to it that I must enable him except that I do not have to give him alcohol, tobacco, narcotics or pocket money to purchase these things.
I am reduced to having no other choice than become extremely controlling and abusive in order to manipulate him into choosing therapy, getting his license back and finding employement. I would rather allow him to find his own way; to let go, but still care and encourage him to choose another path, but now I don't have a choice - it's me or him. The state has declared me his shepard, and this sucks!
:(
I live in America, but the state I am in has much of the same "stuff."
We are community-property, so if we divorce I have to give him half.
He is "sick," in this case with both alcoholism and heart disease, so I have to support him.
Nicht sehr gut.
Instead I have to continue to do most of the things that Alanon consider "bad codepenent" behaviour. I wonder if the state knew what they were doing when they forced a person to continue supporting an addict, and thus fueling the spouses' own kind of addiction.
I told my lawyer that "wanting to help him all the time is an addiction too". He said, "yeah, but it's not an officially recognised addiction - so can't help you there!"
You must feel stuck! So, can you just stay gone? Can you have more than one bank account like one of your own and one? Would it be possible to just stay with a friend for a while. Maybe that would get you husband to think about the situation.
Example: If you, as an American (or any other country) buy a car in France and drive it to Italy, and you drink and drive in Italy, and get caught with 1.1 promille or more, the Italian police with confiscate and auction your car to the highest bidder. There is absolutely nothing the U.S. Consulate in Italy will do to help you. They don't help you, because it is common law in Italy that for drunk driving offenses over the limit, everybody gets their car confiscated and auctioned. So it's not a scam.
But if you in the Phillipines and received a phone call from the hotel manager who said you would have to pay him 1,000 dollars or else he would call the police. And you were thinking WTF?, and suddenly the police came around later with this guy who was nursing a black eye and the hotel manager swore on a stack of bibles that you hit him, and throw you in jail and you weren't allowed to see a lawyer or call home or anything for half a year, then the U.S. Consulate would try to help you, because this is not due process of law.
Remember that the Germans don't like it much either when they go looking for a prostitute then get arrested for propositioning a police officer who is dressed like prosititute, because propositioning a woman for commercial sex if she is over 18 years of age in not illegal in Germany, and the German Consulate can't help the Germans when they get arrested for doing what is allowed in Germany, but illegal in most states in the U.S.
When you live like a native, you have to follow their rules.
Otherwise...waiting for him to die, get his act together, or start hitting you sounds like pretty bad alternatives.
I think what one of the others said: to put money away in a separate bank--sounds like a wonderful idea. Save it slowly, but make sure it's there. There has to be some chance to get away from this, and when it's there, you want to be able to go baby go.
- I lack funds, family or friends to set up a new life
- As soon as I get I credit card the German consulate will "track" me, and get a court order for alimony
- I would have to forfeit a house I invested 100,000 dollars in, but do not have title to.
It doesn't have to do with drunks in that case - "their" government is allowed to extract title through "our" government if they have a "legitimate" title. In this case it would be the ministry of family, health and welfare extracting a legal tighth on a "delinquint" former foreign resident. They are able to do this, thanks to all the former U.S. GI's who got their German girlfriends pregnant and ditched them without support.
And the separate bank account is a good idea, except that I cannot because we are overdrawn, and thus have a negative credit report, which means that I cannot open a new account until the old account has been tilged.
I am very sorry for your set of circumstances. I understand about not having the money right now to come back to the States. It sounds like what you need besides our support and understanding is a plan. Unfortunately it would be a slow one but one you need to have in order to remain positive. Ok girls we are smart lets come up with a plan.
I am going to think on this today. I have to get my son off to school and me off to work. I will be back later. I will probably come back with many questions because I don't know the rules over there but maybe it will start up some conversation that can help you out. Keep positive, "where there is a will there is a way."
or maybe there are some organizations over here that help women get a new start (I know they exist for domestic abuse victims, but isn't alcoholism a form of domestic abuse in most cases)?
our thoughts will be with you. hang in there - somewhere a door will open - just keep your eyes open for it and in the mean time try to just stay out of his way as much as possible.
Hey, since the gov't considers you his steward, can't you block him from using your bank account and credit cards, since he has an 'illness' - as long as you're providing for his basic needs, at least then he can't hurt you financially anymore.
Is there anything else that could give you leverage in a divorce? Some other thing he could commit aside from beating you that would make it much harder for him to drain you this way? OR--if you did go to the US and went back, couldn't you apply for a divorce under *Their* laws? Not in Germany, but here, were alcoholics are not given a free ride?