Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Hello,
Hope you all are hanging in there with your AH problems. I am having a terrible weekend and just wanted to write.
My AH has come to the point where he cannot stop drinking full time for a few weeks straight. He was gone for four nights this week staying with his friends and a hotel since he didn't want to come home and fight with me. I came to the conclusion that we can no longer stay together as a married couple, and he wanted to temporarily get his own place. The problem is we really can't afford another $3,000 - $4,000 for him to rent an apartment and have separate bills for everything. (We are in California. Everything is expensive.) My AH used to make a great income, but he started his own business 2 years ago, and it's not generating the same kind of income as before - on top of his inability to concentrate on his job while he is on his drinking spree for weeks at time. I suggested we should sell our house, but the housing price is still really low, and we would come out nothing if we sell it now. How other people handle this situation? I have a full time job, and I can be independent, but I also was diagnosed with an auto immune disease that could disable me in the future so I am unsure about my own health. My AH is an angry drunk and he says lots of things to make me angry or insult me. I can't live like this until the housing price goes up! I just cleaned his "Man room" today, and I will keep cleaning the rest of the house so if we decide to sell, we will be ready. I have pretty strong will, and never want to use the word "depressed", but I feel like it right now. I always act cheerful at work, and don't tell anyone about our problems even though I am much stressed out inside. (Except I went to Al Anon three times. It was the first time I told anyone about my AH in public.) I feel so lonely just keeping everything inside of me. Just like tonight, when he came home for two hours and left again, and I don't even know if he will be home later or not. It's not that I miss him - I just feel like why am I living like this? Don't I deserve a better life? I hate to be in the position that I know something is not right and I am not fixing it. Maybe I need a counselor.
Sorry for whining, but like I said, I don't have anyone else to talk to.....:-) Thanks for reading!
Hope you all are hanging in there with your AH problems. I am having a terrible weekend and just wanted to write.
My AH has come to the point where he cannot stop drinking full time for a few weeks straight. He was gone for four nights this week staying with his friends and a hotel since he didn't want to come home and fight with me. I came to the conclusion that we can no longer stay together as a married couple, and he wanted to temporarily get his own place. The problem is we really can't afford another $3,000 - $4,000 for him to rent an apartment and have separate bills for everything. (We are in California. Everything is expensive.) My AH used to make a great income, but he started his own business 2 years ago, and it's not generating the same kind of income as before - on top of his inability to concentrate on his job while he is on his drinking spree for weeks at time. I suggested we should sell our house, but the housing price is still really low, and we would come out nothing if we sell it now. How other people handle this situation? I have a full time job, and I can be independent, but I also was diagnosed with an auto immune disease that could disable me in the future so I am unsure about my own health. My AH is an angry drunk and he says lots of things to make me angry or insult me. I can't live like this until the housing price goes up! I just cleaned his "Man room" today, and I will keep cleaning the rest of the house so if we decide to sell, we will be ready. I have pretty strong will, and never want to use the word "depressed", but I feel like it right now. I always act cheerful at work, and don't tell anyone about our problems even though I am much stressed out inside. (Except I went to Al Anon three times. It was the first time I told anyone about my AH in public.) I feel so lonely just keeping everything inside of me. Just like tonight, when he came home for two hours and left again, and I don't even know if he will be home later or not. It's not that I miss him - I just feel like why am I living like this? Don't I deserve a better life? I hate to be in the position that I know something is not right and I am not fixing it. Maybe I need a counselor.
Sorry for whining, but like I said, I don't have anyone else to talk to.....:-) Thanks for reading!
My AH is/was a goofy drunk, incoherent when he goes on a toot, and would laugh at my tears. Well, I stopped crying, since I felt it gave him some type of sick satisfaction and empowered him to that end. I've found that drunks thrive on our weaknesses and pull out all the stops when we show any vulnerability. Of course, it's a control thing. They can't control themselves but sure will control us if we let them. He's driven drunk (a retired deputy sheriff, I might add), has gotten 86'd out of bars, and then got a slap on the wrist by the judges (he knows most of them) when he appeared before Court.. I have reported him to the police, called 911, and miraculously he wasn't caught until he tried to assault another police officer when they were tossing him in the pokey. The old goat - I couldn't believe it. Awful of me, but it gave me a good chuckle. I have two and a half years before I plan to retire, and by then I'll have been married to this village idiot for 10 years. According to California law, after 10 years I can collect alimony at that point and most likely a nice chunk of change from his retirement check. Yes, I am diabolical, scheming, vengeful, and selfish, but I've had an excellent teacher. It's only a matter of time before he binges again (I've been with him for 18 years, married to him for 7.5) and I've formulated my What To Do List when he goes on his next bender. Pack up, move to a nice hotel, put it on his charge card, and let him ride it out himself until he sobers up again. He has said if I leave him, he'll kill himself. My stance is that if he self destructs, it's his call not mine. Chilling, yes, but he's already been instrumental in giving me one heart attack and I will NOT let him stress me out to the point that it happens to me again. Believe me, it's terrifying. It almost makes me think of that program "Survivor." I plan to win and I will not cry one more tear for someone whose baggage I've borne by carrying most of its load for all these years.
You're in limbo, as am I, and I'm so sorry that you're so sad, scared, and worried. It's like being on a frightening, precarious edge of a cliff. I know, I know. I can relate! Take heart, Puff. I'll send a prayer up for you tonight. I hope tomorrow that some sun shines through for you. (((HUGS))) Someday, we'll be all right.
Sounds horrible and very familiar. My AH and I separated in October last year. I, like you, couldn't afford for two sets of rent/mortgage or bills to be paid simultaneously. We lived together until December when the bank approved my AH to buy me out. I don't know if you can do that, but it is an option. The thought of getting the house ready to sell just made me cry because it's hard enough coming to the decision to separate. Another option is for you to buy him out. That wasn't an option for me, because although I had money I wouldn't be able to afford that big of a mortage.
We're all reading and listening here whenever you need. Take care of yourself.
I'm going to send out the it's "me or alcohol" email later today. I know who he is going to chose. Even if he agrees to change I know he has not hit a really bottom yet so that clean period might only last anywhere from a day to 3 months...
I WANT to be more optimistic but he's drained that out of me. Due to similar financial constraints till we legally separate or divorce I will have to live in the same house while he mentally and verbally abuses me. It's so true - it's going to be like some sick reality show. I just wish there were no children involved. This is the one area I really start to break down.
Luckily I'm strong. AND YES, I too have learned so many miserable, hateful schemes from my AH. I can relate to all of your posts and am drawing strength from you all. Thank you so much for being here and posting.
Also makes me realized how blessed I have been to actually be completely legally out of the situation. My ex was still in the feeling guilty stage and gave me everything I asked for in the divorce. We had always kept our bills low which was a good thing when he lost his job 2 yrs ago. I had no choice but to take over financially for everything my kids and I needed. Made it where when the split happened, it did not affect me financially.
All I can say for sure though, we are strong. We will find a way to survive without them. I know all of you have doubts. Believe me, prior to my ex losing his job, I never, never believed we would make it without his income. But guess what....we did. So, believe me, you will find a way for this to work financially. May not seem that way, but you will make it.
But will your heart and soul survive if you keep staying. Or your health? Because stress is very bad for a person's health. I know I took no action to get out of my marriage, so I understand where you are coming from. Yes, I used to tell him it wasn't working and talked about divorce or even separation. Thankfully, he made the decision and just split. That was 7 mths ago. Otherwise, I'd be where you are at. Wanting out or just something to change, but still very depressed and unhappy.