Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Hi,
I found this forum by googling "wives and girlfriends of alcoholics". I'm glad to know that this type of thing exists. I'm not sure what to say... except that I haven't been able to say anything to anyone. No one in my group of friends and family would understand what my life is like these days.
I'm at the point where I can safely say that it is not "a drinking problem", it is "alcoholism". Why is the "a" word so hard to say?
I guess I should give some background on myself and my situation. I am not technically a alcoholics wife. My boyfriend who I live with and have an 8 month old son with is an alcoholic. I fully planned on us being married long ago, but because of the mess that is our lives, that has not yet happened. And I'm not sure if the marriage thing would be a good idea anymore... I didn't think I would be living with and sharing a life and a child with an alcoholic. Especially not at only 24 years old. I had never been around heavy drinking before I met my boyfriend, I was ignorant to the negative effects alcohol can have on a family.
When we first met I was carefree and a little drinking didn't bother me. It wasn't until I was half way through my pregnancy when I realized that this wasn't just social drinking. My life is now filled with verbal abuse, loneliness, anger, resentment, indifference, sadness... I stay because I still hold on to the stupid hope that he will turn his life around permanently and we can raise our son together and have the "happy family".
I never knew that I could feel this cold towards someone who I once thought was my soul mate. There are still days where I see a glimmer of the person I used to be crazy in love with and I think that if I just give it time, it will fix itself. The reality, of course, is that it won't. Will I ever feel happiness and love towards him again? I'm not sure... I'm confused. What do I do? Where do I go?
My number one priority is to make the best life for my son that I possibly can. He is the sweetest little boy, and he loves his daddy so much already. It sickens me to think that within a couple of years my precious little boy could have heartbreak over his alcoholic dad. Eventually my boyfriend will speak to him the way he speaks to me. Eventually my son will overhear his father drunk and speaking nonsensical late at night and be confused. Eventually he will hear his father speak to me in a way that I would never want him to think is ok to speak to a woman. This is the part that breaks my heart more than anything.
If I even have a heart left to break, that is. I feel nothing towards him except disgust and annoyance usually. Anger one day, indifference the next. Will I ever want to be intimate with him again? Will I ever feel like I'm in love with him again?
I do love him. But the type of love I have for him is not romantic love. It's the kind of love that makes me want him to get help for himself. I can't stand to see him facing this disease. It's his fault though, isn't it? I'm not sure...
I'm not sure if he's ever really "sober". Is an alcoholic ever sober? He's angry all of the time... even when he hasn't had a drink in 2 days. Is this just who he is and I didn't see that side of him before? Or would this go away if he finally got help? I just don't know what's the alcohol and what is him.
His family knows he drinks too much, but they don't know what it's really like. They think I'm a cold hearted b!+ch I'm sure. But what they don't know is that this whole "wow he got really drunk last night, that was kind of annoying" thing is not even the tip of the iceberg to what our home life is everyday. It's in no way amusing to me to watch him make a fool of himself and to have drunken heart to hearts with everyone.
I kicked him out on Easter after he'd gone missing for 48 hours... drinking and cocaine binge with his friends... didn't answer one single phone call of mine. I didn't know whether to worry or be angry. He stayed at his sisters for a week, every day begging me to let him back, saying that he would give up drinking. I stupidly let him back after a week. He went 4 weeks without drinking a drop of alcohol. I think he thought that because he could do that it meant he didn't have a problem, because on the day that marked 4 weeks he got wasted and has been going strong ever since.
He blames work stress, unexpected pregnancy stress, new baby stress, financial stress... I'm sick of hearing it.
I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I guess I had more to say than I thought. I guess what I'm trying to say, in summary, is that I don't know the answers. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what I should do to stop this before it takes his life. (He's only 30, but I'm sure his body has had significant physical damage done already). I know ultimatum's don't usually work... he needs to want the help himself. I think he does though. Are there success stories? Or am I wasting my time trying to make this work?
Thanks,
~K
I found this forum by googling "wives and girlfriends of alcoholics". I'm glad to know that this type of thing exists. I'm not sure what to say... except that I haven't been able to say anything to anyone. No one in my group of friends and family would understand what my life is like these days.
I'm at the point where I can safely say that it is not "a drinking problem", it is "alcoholism". Why is the "a" word so hard to say?
I guess I should give some background on myself and my situation. I am not technically a alcoholics wife. My boyfriend who I live with and have an 8 month old son with is an alcoholic. I fully planned on us being married long ago, but because of the mess that is our lives, that has not yet happened. And I'm not sure if the marriage thing would be a good idea anymore... I didn't think I would be living with and sharing a life and a child with an alcoholic. Especially not at only 24 years old. I had never been around heavy drinking before I met my boyfriend, I was ignorant to the negative effects alcohol can have on a family.
When we first met I was carefree and a little drinking didn't bother me. It wasn't until I was half way through my pregnancy when I realized that this wasn't just social drinking. My life is now filled with verbal abuse, loneliness, anger, resentment, indifference, sadness... I stay because I still hold on to the stupid hope that he will turn his life around permanently and we can raise our son together and have the "happy family".
I never knew that I could feel this cold towards someone who I once thought was my soul mate. There are still days where I see a glimmer of the person I used to be crazy in love with and I think that if I just give it time, it will fix itself. The reality, of course, is that it won't. Will I ever feel happiness and love towards him again? I'm not sure... I'm confused. What do I do? Where do I go?
My number one priority is to make the best life for my son that I possibly can. He is the sweetest little boy, and he loves his daddy so much already. It sickens me to think that within a couple of years my precious little boy could have heartbreak over his alcoholic dad. Eventually my boyfriend will speak to him the way he speaks to me. Eventually my son will overhear his father drunk and speaking nonsensical late at night and be confused. Eventually he will hear his father speak to me in a way that I would never want him to think is ok to speak to a woman. This is the part that breaks my heart more than anything.
If I even have a heart left to break, that is. I feel nothing towards him except disgust and annoyance usually. Anger one day, indifference the next. Will I ever want to be intimate with him again? Will I ever feel like I'm in love with him again?
I do love him. But the type of love I have for him is not romantic love. It's the kind of love that makes me want him to get help for himself. I can't stand to see him facing this disease. It's his fault though, isn't it? I'm not sure...
I'm not sure if he's ever really "sober". Is an alcoholic ever sober? He's angry all of the time... even when he hasn't had a drink in 2 days. Is this just who he is and I didn't see that side of him before? Or would this go away if he finally got help? I just don't know what's the alcohol and what is him.
His family knows he drinks too much, but they don't know what it's really like. They think I'm a cold hearted b!+ch I'm sure. But what they don't know is that this whole "wow he got really drunk last night, that was kind of annoying" thing is not even the tip of the iceberg to what our home life is everyday. It's in no way amusing to me to watch him make a fool of himself and to have drunken heart to hearts with everyone.
I kicked him out on Easter after he'd gone missing for 48 hours... drinking and cocaine binge with his friends... didn't answer one single phone call of mine. I didn't know whether to worry or be angry. He stayed at his sisters for a week, every day begging me to let him back, saying that he would give up drinking. I stupidly let him back after a week. He went 4 weeks without drinking a drop of alcohol. I think he thought that because he could do that it meant he didn't have a problem, because on the day that marked 4 weeks he got wasted and has been going strong ever since.
He blames work stress, unexpected pregnancy stress, new baby stress, financial stress... I'm sick of hearing it.
I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I guess I had more to say than I thought. I guess what I'm trying to say, in summary, is that I don't know the answers. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what I should do to stop this before it takes his life. (He's only 30, but I'm sure his body has had significant physical damage done already). I know ultimatum's don't usually work... he needs to want the help himself. I think he does though. Are there success stories? Or am I wasting my time trying to make this work?
Thanks,
~K
" I don't know what I should do to stop this before it takes his life." There is NOTHING you can do to make him stop. You can certainly influence him by the decisions you make for your self in this situation.
You have an advantage in that you are not married. If you leave and move through your life he may realize what he is losing and then make the decision to turn his life around. But I would definately not make plans to marry someone with the issues he has at this point. You list a ton of reasons in your post that would support this. Plus just read some of ours and you will see. But I felt your actual post read very clearly that you understand where things are, not sure where your hesitation comes from but stick around.
I am sure that as you read others stories and issues you will know what is going to work for you. You know best what will work for you and your son, (this comes from someone that has been married as long as you have been alive). Listen to YOUR Heart.... your life (and your sons ) is the only thing you can control. We are here for you.
He asked him, "What could you have done to make your girlfriend not drink?"
The man answered, "Lots of stuff, probably."
It was kind of eye-opening. Until you see how completely wrapped up we get in our loved one's addictions, we don't even realize how crazy it's all gotten. Their problems take over our lives. We live their misery, and for what? They get the benefit of being too drunk or stoned to care. We don't. But we hang on for various reasons.
My best suggestions is Al-Anon, or counseling, or if you have the support, an intervention.
Eventually, though, you have to figure out for yourself what you want and what you need. Put him second for a while, and take care of yourself. There is nothing selfish in that.
The counselor went on to say, "You have to walk your path. If your husband steps up and walks beside you, then you have something to work with."
Good luck!