Sobriety is just showing who he really is. Addicts are selfish, that is what keeps them going on their addictions for so long. It sounds like he may have given up the drinking, but not really fixed the root cause of it all. When my AH went sober for 3 years, he was the same way. Only, he redirected his addiction in other ways and was still never available or really willing to fix why he needed something to run to, to run away from actually facing the struggles of every day life. It is what they call a dry drunk. But, for me, at that time, I had already been done with our relationship and was on my way to detaching from everything to do with our relationship, to protect myself from being hurt again. I wish I had done it years ago, but as others will say to you on here, seek counseling for yourself, heal yourself, and find yourself again. Don't let what your husband is going through rob you of another single day of moving forward and healing from all of this.

Totally in the same boat but my husband has only 5 months. I feel like we detach to cope with the pain they have caused. Detachment allows you to feel less hurt when they screw up.
He needs to understand your process my husband is selfish down right but he is working on it i dont known how to move forward. Im.wondering the same thing. Dour i bail now, or stay and fight for our marriage?

CeeCee4, it depends on whether you have love for this man, if he was not an alcoholic when you met him, there might be a chance. If he truly is working on all that made him an addict, then there is hope. It also depends on if you are done with it all and cannot imagine battling all of it the rest of your life.

I think that's the part that I don't like to hear, the rest of my life. Am I going to have to be crying, broken, hurt, and pained? So far, he has shocked me with his sobriety and taking steps to be healthy. He is running weekly and doing soccer on sundays. That is a nice outlet for him, and he only has one month left in his program. He goes once a week. I asked him if he was going to continue to to go AA weekly to keep up and he said he did not know. Ii guess ill know when I am done. It just sucks.

Ah! Years ago when I finally put myself into therapy, the discussion came up that I needed to be prepared to just not like him sober either! My husband is doing well after a 30 year struggle. But those selfish moment still arise. I think , in this case, that he himself, under all the addiction baggage is not overly selfish, but that trait became a habitual behavior pattern Not easy to break, this was just as difficult as the drunkenness!! And I needed to remain detached ! Ugh so hard and disappointing. I had to continue working hard on my own healing and self esteem even though he was "sober". He benefited SLOWLY from one on one therapy. He now participates in a general discussion group twice a week. And when his actions are over the top selfish I can remind him to reel it in.

I definitely see the benefit of self healing and spent a lot of time trying to work through this in the early treatment phase. We have three kids and one of them was born after the sobriety...He is only 7 now. I have a lot of years to parent with him, and I feel like we aren't partners at all anymore. In fact, we barely speak. I guess its more like coexisting. We had out 25th anniversary last month and I insisted we go out for dinner, Hoping to talk. He talked about work, about running his upcoming marathon and that's all. It was almost painful. I handed him a small gift and he had very little reaction. He had no card or anything for me. I mention this only to show that he seems so checked out. When I ask, he says he just thinks I'm not interested in his new "person" so he just chooses to keep to himself. He has no friends...we have lost A LOT of friends...we are basically just home all the time. I hate living like this. I am a person who like to talk things out and resolve issues. He is the opposite and therefore we never get anywhere when I try to discuss. He is in therapy and still attends AA. in my opinion, these things encourage him to be even more selfish. They tell him he's doing great and needs to focus on himself. But we are a FAMILY. He does not live in a vacuum. His actions affect all of us. I truly don't know what to do anymore. I am feeling defeated and lonely and can't believe that this is where we are when he's SOBER! I remember people telling me that he would change. I thought the change would be be better, but its just different

I did not like mine sober or drunk. It all took a lot of soul searching and re-evaluating everything I thought I knew about myself and my situation. The truth came crashing down on me when I finally admitted to myself how I truly felt about him and always have. For so long, I tried to convince myself that I could make things work, that eventually I could love this man. But the truth was, I never could. The man I thought I fell in love with, was not real. He was wearing a mask when I met him. So, all these years I kept hoping this man that I thought was who my husband really was, wasn't in there at all. He never came out when he got sober.
You can tell if they only went into sobriety for other reason besides really fixing themselves. If they did it to save the marriage, then they are going to be angry, resentful, distant to you because they secretly resent you for it being the reason they gave up what made them feel safe and able to cope with life. They still aren't being rational, normal people. Their brains have been rewired from the drinking. They don't see the world the way we do, they don't think the way non drinkers think. You can take the drink away from the alcoholic, but in a lot of cases, the affects of the addiction are hardwired in. Ya, they do change, but not in the way we think they should or wish they could. They cannot see past themselves. In their mind, they are the victim and everyone should treat them like they are so fragile and going to break at any moment, but anyone elses needs go on the back burner. But you are not weak, fragile, easily broken. You have made it this far, taking care of 3 children, a grown man child and yourself. You have the strength and power to make it through anything. Find your strength and redirect your energy to those that need it most, your children. Things will either work out with your husband or they won't, but at least you will still have yourself no matter what happens.

Thank you for the encouraging words...I am usually strong and resilient, but I think Ive met my limit. I have a difficult time just living my own life like everything is okay. It is not ok. This is not how I envisioned my life after 25 years of marriage. I do just try to focus on my three boys, but it is still such a lonely existence. I suppose self preservation is the most important thing right now.