hmb1276, we both had one heck of a night last night. I feel for you, truly I do. I know exactly how exasperated you feel...what they do does affect us, we are one once we are married. One night I tried finding an al-anon meeting to go to because I didn't know what else to do to help me stop focusing and trying to "save" him from
himself. Couldn't find any in my area, that was a disappointment so I sat in my car and cried, cried out to God of course and asked Him to give me peace which God is faithful. My hubby asks me the same question 20 times too and that drives me crazy. When he is sober, he's so on top of everything, he's funny and loving,
witty and just a great man, but drunk, OMG, he's just stupid. He's not abusive, never has even said unkind words to me, but his self loathing and hopelessness hurts just as much as if he were to be cursing at me. I would have not let him leave the house drunk, don't get me wrong, he drives drunk all the time, but it's not while I am there to stop him. I am a peacmaker, so I would have had my say and then told him let's enjoy
the rest of the evening, we aren't going to see eye to eye tonight, so let's drop it and move on, we can discuss it tomorrow morning when you are sober. I have actually begun doing that, not everytime, because I get frustrated and just plain tired too, I have also told him when he is sober, we aren't going to talk about serious things when you are drinking because you make no sense. So when he is drunk now I can remind him, "we aren't going there', and it clicks in his head and his attitude does turn around. I really feel like I was reading a transcript from my life when I read your posts. I even get home at 4:30. I think I have rambled on this time. I'm just hurting from last night still, my car broke down and I called him but he was too drunk to help me, got home and he was passed out on our garage floor. This morning I had to fill him in on what happened since 6pm yesterday, because he doesn't remember. He didn't know my car was at home or anything that happened. Oh and mine doesn't drink beer, he drinks whiskey - daily. My new prayer is Lord, preserve me. Hugs to you - hope today is a better day for you & I and all the other spouses out there that struggle with these issues.

I do the same thing now. If he starts in on anything remotely serious or that may require memory or actual thought and conversation, i stop him and say, "I'm not discussing this with you right now. You won't remember it anyway." He either just stops talking or gets defensive. Since his DUI about 5 years ago, he has just outright lied to me, saying he has not been drinking. When clearly I can smell and see it. So that lead me to driving by his work on my way home, paying more careful attention to his windows of time when he said he was one place but I figured he'd been another, etc. I hate that I've become this untrusting spy of a detective wife, but if he wasn't going to be honest with me, I was not going to let him sit there and try to convince me that I was crazy and making stuff up. Now I don't ask questions like I used to. I used to be this voice on a record loop, "were you drinking? why do you smell like you're drinking? where were you at?" etc. And he'd deny it, get mad at me for "accusing" him, then I would retreat and feel bad, wondering if I was wrong and truly was going crazy. Now, I know better. Now, I do not ask questions. I state facts. "I know you've been drinking, that much is obvious. I'm not going out to eat with you tonight, and here is why." I found this article on Pinterest about the phases of detachment. I saw Stage 2 and it sounds like it's made for me, specifically this part: "you'll know you're in stage 2 when the lies you once wanted to hear have no effect on you. You start to belive that you deserve better. You start to fight back so there is more conflict in your relationship." I, too, am a peace maker. I HATE conflict, anything to keep things "okay" and even and happy. Even if it meant my own sanity and pride, I would just do and say whatever it would take to get him to calm down and sit down and just not try to walk out. I feel so ashamed of that now! I would never want my daughter to tolerate this kind of behavior, yet here I am, taking it. I do notice that we are arguing more, and it's always when he's drinking. He has noticed it, too, and he'll start his pity party and say, "I am not the right guy for you, you deserve better, you should find someone more like you that can be everything you want. I can't take your picking at me and fighting with me." Sober--he would never say anything like that. So when I ask him about things he's said like that when he's drunk, and he can't remember, he'll just apologize and say he was just blowing off steam, but I know he loves me, and doesn't mean it. Well, I'm sorry--10 years of hearing those things will start to show its damage eventually.
I, too, have reached out for help or a ride from home, and he's been too drunk to answer the phone or has already passed out and doesn't even hear it. He'll try to shrug it off like, "oh, sorry, I must have been asleep, at least you found a ride." It doesn't seem to register that a husband and wife are supposed to be there for each other and help each other when the other is in need. It's been embarrasing for me to reach out to others, who will say, "oh, can't you call Chad," and I'll say, "oh, I tried, but he must have his ringer off." I also hate that I think of my husband is stupid. But I do. When he's drinking. But the alcohol has started to affect his memory, his thought process, so even when he's not drinking, he's sometimes hard for me to tolerate and I lose my patience. Usually because it's something we discussed when I thought he was sober, but turns out he wasn't and cant' recall anything we've talked about. The small amount of respect I used to have for him is just disappearing. I don't trust him. I feel everything he tells me could be a lie. I've now caught him lying to me about his work day and what time he actually gets off work. Oh, and get this--he delivers beer for a living. So they get "damaged" beer cases for free, which of course never make it home. I pray that he gets another DUI at times so that he is taken off the roads, put in jail, and made to attend treatment and they install a breathalizer/ignition in his vehicle after a year when he gets his license back. But guess who that will impact? ME. My children. Our bank account. His self esteem, which I'm sure would just mean he'd drink more at home to ease the depression. I don't know that I can win in this case. And all the while, I just want him to wake up, take control of the situation, and man up to what needs to be done. He's almost 44, shouldn't be be growing up soon??
What does your husband do for a job? Does he work allday?

Wow, both of you echo my situation as well.

My AH is not mean or abusive when drunk. We both have good jobs, a beautiful home, great kids. My son is close to getting his license, so it's good to know there is someone I can depend on in an emergency. AH has had 2 DUIs and has a breathalyzer in his vehicle- it has been a huge relief for me. I wouldn't allow him to drive our kids because I know he drove UTI with them in the past. Now he can help with driving the kids cause he HAS to be sober for his truck to start. It takes some of the burden off me.

I used to search for the booze, but I no longer bother. I realized that behavior was not healthy for me. Detachment is good. Don't waste your time checking up on him or trying to prove he's lying about drinking or where he's been. That kind of stuff sucks the life out of us. When he's been drinking I just head to another part of the house and do my own thing. Conversation with him is frustrating, so I don't bother. I have similar feelings as you - embarrassment around others, feeling he is stupid, sad over the fact that I can't depend on him anymore. He tries to get physical, but I'm so turned off. I have no respect for him. I tell him that as long as he continues to drink, we won't be intimate.

Most books written about alcoholics talk about how to live with them and deal with all the crap, rather than focusing on OUR needs. I've read two great books that I highly recommend because they focus on our recovery. The first is "Alcoholic Relationship Survival Guide" by Doug Kelley. His wife was an alcoholic, and his book is amazing. He has a website "empoweredrecovery.com" - and you can download his book for a nominal fee. It was worth every penny.

The other book is called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie - another eye -opening read.

Oh, and there were times I hid his keys. I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I knowingly let him drive drunk.

For now, things are fine. I'm not ready for the upheaval of divorce. Will I want to move on once my kids are older? Possibly.

You all so echo my experiences and thank you for your insights. I now realize from reading the post that I'm at stage 2. My husband is so different when sober but he is very abusive (although not physically) when drinking. I am going to look for those recommended books as I'm now at the end of my tether and don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you very much for the recommended reads! All information is helpful. I have read Codependent No More so I will be downloading the other one to my Kindle tonight. It's been 3 straight nights in a row of drinking for him, and I can tell it's before he even gets home. So he's continuing to lie to me about coming straight home from work. Yesterday I called him during the work day in an attempt to have a real conversation with him while I know he's working and sober, clear minded. He's not very interested in those serious discussions over the phone, but especially if sober. I said, "this week has not started out well. I'd like to try to salvage what's left of the week. Can you do me a favor and promise that you will come straight home from work tonight so that we can do something together, maybe a walk and get a pizza or something?" He says, "oh for sure! Yes, of course! I love you , blah blah blah!" Well, I'm pretty positive he had a few before he got home because he was his usual "weird" self. Strange thing is, he makes this point of walking straight over to me and kissing me on the mouth as soon as he walks in the door. And I couldn't smell any alcohol. So he either has a process for covering it up or something. He chews gum all the time, but usually I can smell the alcohol over it, so I'm just more confused.
I did make him sleep in the basement last night. I told him he'll continue to sleep down there when he's been drinking at all because I don't sleep when he snores.
And OMG--I had thought about going to play detective today, actually finding a spying spot by his work to physically watch him drive away from work to see exactly where he goes so I could catch him in the act and confront him. But why?! I used to obsess about where is he getting the money, how is he getting the beer with no money, where does he go every day, etc. etc. etc. I am trying to refrain from doing those things. But I have to honestly try to figure out a way to stop myself from dissecting those situations. Becuase honestly, what is the point?? Even if I caught him red handed in a bar at 3 in the afternoon, he's going to just blow up at me, walk out on me, get drunker, etc. It won't get resolved so really what am I accomplishing? UGH. I'm so emotionally exhausted. Just don't know how much longer to hang on. Last night as I was laying in bed, alone, while my drunk husband snored in the room below me, I cried. I cry a lot, but for different reasons, as we all do. But last night, I cried for all the things in life and in my marriage that I'm missing. I'm missing someone who I should be able to talk to about my day and expect that they'll remember the conversation! I am missing sleeping with a husband who is sober and kisses me good night, and even sometimes make love to! My husband cannot even perform nor has any interest because of the alcohol. He blames it on old age, but no, he's only 43. And after a beer, it just doesn't work. And let's face it, he has more than just a beer every day. So my sex life is non-existent. and i'm only 38. I'm missing just friendship and companionship, and that makes me very very sad.

We are all in the same place and that's sad but comforting that I am not alone or crazy, maybe we are all crazy in some way. My AH is unemployed, lost same job twice due to his drinking, he drank on the job, the boss tried to work with him because they've known each other many many years, but he couldn't do it. I took him off our joint account, but he's getting UE so when that money comes in, he's drunk for a several days. I left him my debit card today, I wanted a few items from the store near our house, told him do not spend at liquor store, i am trusting you today. Spent $5 at the liquor store by 10 am, that's all he needed to be his stupid self and wah-wah over how hard his life is. I hate who I'm becoming too, I don't want to be a bitter distrustful person. I never like to talk down to him, or tell him what to do, he's the man, he is supposed to be the strong one, leading us, setting the example, not me. He's 54. He is was sober 10+ years. He doesn't go to bars. Doesn't hang out with friends. Doesn't bring it to our home. He does all this on his own, quickly in the liquor store parking lot. He had 2 DUI's over 10 years ago. I go to a church filled with people that were addicts and alcholics but gave it all up to serve God, most have been there over 15 years. We still don;t know why he took that first drink which is now a year ago. Something triggered it. We are in marital counseling which is mainly focusing on his drinking problem, our marital problems come from his drinking. I do have Co-dependent no more, havn'et dug into yet because I have 2 others books I'm reading right now, I will look up the other book and website. I'm really glad we all found each other, hope we can encourage one another, post when we have good days too, so we know that is some glimmer of hope for us.

Hmb, you don't mention if you have kids, but one thing I know is that if I didn't, I would have left years ago.

Last year I wound up in the ER after experiencing heart palpitations. Long story short, after many tests it was determined to be anxiety, and I was also put on an antidepressant. I've always been an upbeat person, and I'm resentful that his choices have had such an effect on me. It was at that point that I made changes in my behavior and how I react to him. No more searching the house for alcohol- there's always another bottle finding its way in. Even this small change has been huge for my well being. Yoga poses, meditation and deep breathing have been calming. We need to focus on ourselves! We deserve to be happy.

I do have kids from my first marriage. They are with us most of the time. My daughter is 14, my son is 12. They have known my husband almost their whole lives; he has been a part of their family for about 10 years. So yes, my husband is not the father of my kids, but he is their stepfather, and it is breaking up of a family, which I hate the thought of. The issue now is, they are getting older and more aware of the issues. When they were younger, it was much easier to explain his issues or why he was "asleep" at 5 p.m., or why he wasn't home from work yet. Now they are older and smarter and they know things are not normal. Had about a 2-hour breakdown/conversation with mine last night. It's interesting to me because he fully admits to everything and takes all blame, says he'll try harder, and that he is just so surprised I haven't told him to get "the F out of the house" yet. I told him I am close, and I really don't want to get to that point, but he is leaving me no choice. When I bring up concerns of the DUI dangers and what it will cost our family, his defense is that it's not too dangerous if it's daylight out; cops aren't looking much in daylight. I said to him, "you have to know how stupid you sound right now." Ugh.