Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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CeeCee4 11/26/2016

I haven't been on in a while due to life being crazy. I finished school like I was planning and got my RN license. I did push getting my lvn to rn spot and I did it! the reason was so I could be a single mother with two kids ages 8 and 5 and be financially stable to keep the house pay the mortgage.

My husband has been an alcoholic for the entire marriage but worsen in the last 5 years of our 12 year relationship. I told him I was leaving a few weeks after I graduated and I didn't want to be with him anymore. I explained the only way to keep me is to.go back to rehab. well, he did! This is his 3rd attempt to get sober.

I didn't believe he could do it. I had lost do faith in him. I think he could sense that I was 100%done. I have never been weak. I'm a strong independent women. He has been in outpatient for 5 month now. I do not want to be fooled. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I do not trust him at all. I feel like he is just going to mess up again and it is only a matter of time. 1 year? 5 months? 10 years?

How do you build trust again? I feel so angry, wiped out, and hurt. he didn't understand my apathy, lack of being able to function, my depression, after he was sober for 12 weeks. he was angry at my process. I was like, hold the mother freaking phone you piece of shit. I have been fighting for 12 year's for normalcy and you only give me 12 weeks?! ha!

He finally backed off. I think his counselor explained that I needed healing.

How do.I move forward? will trust ever be there? I don't want to invest anymore of myself into this marriage just to be screwed over 30 years from now. I'm tired. I'm done.

I want him I love him he is the man of my dreams as long as he is sober.

bluesprite72 11/26/2016

Trust takes a long time, if ever, to get back. Don't let him make you feel bad for the feelings you have about the situation. They don't understand what we go through. Be cautious and trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. If you feel that he isn't really changing the way that he needs to and can do his part in the relationship, then plan on moving on. Build yourself up, see the strength you have had to raise your kids and deal with an addict. Start doing things for yourself to make you feel good about you. Focus on you and the kids and see where things go from there.

CeeCee4 11/26/2016

yes, I am going to do that. 4 years ago, I took a lot of steps for my health, mental and physical and I believe it has made me stronger. In a way, I can tell he does not like that. Does not like that I am strong. It is going to take a long time for me to heal I can tell. He is truly making steps to stay sober and take care of himself. I just wish he could be a bit more compassionate on how I am feeling. Alcoholics are so selfish. They are self centered and only think about themselves. Trust is going to take time. If he dose not keep sobriety or I feel like this is just not going to work, I have already accepted separation and moving on. So far, he has done the work. I just need to do my part in healing. I tried alanon and it was not a good experience. Maybe I can try a different group.

jms7229 11/27/2016

Oh Boy, do I feel your pain! My husband has been relatively sober for about 4 months and gets angry at me as well for my lack of trust. Oh and I love this: he does not like to talk about his addiction or the consequences or the pain of his family because " it makes him feel bad " never mind how badly we all have felt and still feel! Jeez!

bluesprite72 11/27/2016

They cannot face that pain because their coping mechanism is gone. They don't want to face the consequences of their actions and will displace blame and deflect away from what they have done. In my opinion, when they react like this and they are sober, they haven't truly reached a level of healing they need to be at, to be a whole person.

CeeCee4 11/27/2016

Oh my jms7229 and bluesprite72 so true.
I want to shout at the top of my lungs and scream at him .let him know how he has made me feel how he has hurt me. You are right they hate hearing it they don't want to face the damage they have caused to everyone around them. I want to punch him in the face make him hurt like I have for all this time. I know I won't do that because that is not healthy at all lol I need counseling. I need help. I'm glad we have eachother to talk to. I'm glad the feelings I have aren't just me that others feel the same way. Im.not alone. Thank you

Lmc 11/28/2016

We really are all on the same page here! I feel like each of you has been inside my brain and feeling my thoughts. I really thought sober would be better. I though after we got through the first phase of recovery things would be better. And, I think things were better for a bit. But, it always seems to change. In my opinion, he was addicted to the program, then addicted to therapy, then addicted to self-help readings, now addicted to all of these plus a new physical health craze. He decided to run his first marathon this past October. For 6-8 months prior, he spent hours each day training. All About Him. Never mind that we have three kids and a marriage to work on. I remember when he first started recovery and I was in such chaos. I told him that he should keep working on him, and I needed to work on me and Hopefully we would come back to working on us someday. I'm going to go back to the working on me part!

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