This is a tough one. Prayer (and lots of it) may be the best way to prepare for this conversation. Ask your Higher Power to give you the right words and deliver the message with as much compassion and love and honesty as you can. On some level, your daughter knows the truth. While she may be angry and hurt for a time, you will be setting a powerful example for her. Most of all, be patient and loving and do not criticize her father or she will feel compelled to "defend" him. You can say he is a good person, he will always be her father, she will always love him and he will always love her, but it is too difficult and painful for you to live with his addiction on a daily basis.

You say you have "been down this road before" which tells me that you should only have this conversation if there is no chance whatsoever that this could be a "false alarm." Children should not suffer from their parents ambivalence.

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your honesty about the "false alarm". I will be praying thank you. j

curly....it is tough as parents to do what is best for us and not what our kids want us to do. Focus on the fact it is your life. In regard to my exAH, I tell my kids it is my life, I am not perfect, but I have to live with the choices or lack of action and even though I love my kids, I cannot live my life as they want me to.

Good advice from chukarfan..do not criticize your AH. Not good for the kids. I know this is very difficult, but keep it in mind when in your discussion.

Good luck.

Thank you lori, I appreciate your reply. Good advice, I like your suggestion. Thanks again. j

Children will always love both parents--even in the most difficult of circumstances. By doing what is best for you, you will be able to be a better parent to your kids. Reassure her of your love for her and that you are always here for her. It was really hard on my girls initially, but one year later we are all in such a much better place.

Take care of yourself.

I can understand your anguish. I too felt so guilty leaving my now-sober ex. He has since created so much chaos (financial) that I think the kids get it now. When I was 14 my dad divorced my mentally ill mom. (She actually left because she just couldn't/wouldn't cope with responsibility)He was unapologetic and strong. He married a very cool lady 2 years later. I now see that divorcing her was the best thing he ever did for our family. Our lives would have been so depressing if he had stayed with my mom. Failure, depression would have been the models for our lives. I thank my father for modeling strength and taking a stand.

Thanks to all of you. Should I have this conversation b 4 I leave him, or after?

You might consider doing it after. I picture the airplane scene where the ADULT has to put on the O2 mask first, before she can help the child. Get free, safe and strong first where you can speak firmly, calmly and lovingly to her.

Yep you are right! Thanks I love word pictures, it stays in my mind so much stronger. Thank you to all of you, I am so blessed to have been able to find this site. julie