Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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How to handle

Posey
Posey

I've been with my husband for 11 years and we have three daughters together. He's always been a drinker, and always has been a problem. He's cheated on me and lies daily! But I'm the problem, so he acts like.. I'm trying to learn how to let go emotionally from him just so I'm not so emotionally unstable myself like I have been in the past, and so it doesn't effect my kids as bad. I mean how will they turn out when they are older if both of us are unstable? He's done the whole waking up in the middle of the night peeing in every place imaginable, been abusive emotionally and physically before which I got physical right back. It's only happened a couple of times and just in the last couple of years. I know he knows he has a problem and I know he wants to quit which is the only reason why I stay, but when it comes down to it, it never happens. He just keeps going and then gets even more stressed out because he can't. (Which is hard for me to even grasp because my thinking is just freaking do it then).. but that's where I have a hard time and get resentful.. I don't understand addiction very well. Im not sure if I'm supposed to not say anything and just keep going on with my kids and allow him to see and feel that his problems are because of him and that we are carrying on without him or if I'm supposed to confront him when he does stupid stuff like staying out drinking with his friends until 2 in the morning! Sorry this is so long, I'm just sooo frustrated and so mad that I'm still having to deal with all of this! And last thing, as far as not saying anything to him, I've been doing that and it seems like he is just taking advantage of it and thinking ok well if I do stay out she won't say anything so I can just do what I want! 

bluesprite72
bluesprite72
Clearly, he is acting like a teenager or someone in their 20's with no responsibilities. If you get a sober moment sometime, let him know where he stands in the family. That he has responsibilities and doesn't need to stay out drinking til all hours of the night. That if the behavior doesn't change then he will need to find somewhere else to live. He made a contract with you, when you got married, and he is not holding up his end of the bargain. Or, yes, keep living your life with the kids, separate from him. If he reacts to this, let him know that he has done this to himself and you guys, by choosing to drink and not get help for it. That it is affecting the family and you are just trying to protect you and your kids from his bad choices in life.

The only way that I was able to stay sane was by detaching myself from him completely. I had let him know on a couple of occassions, when he decided to bring it up, why I haven't been intimate with him for many years, and as of last summer, that I want a divorce some day, and that there is nothing he can do to fix all that he has done. Because that is where we are at in life. I've been with my AH for 19 yrs, married 17, dealing with all of this.

Take care of you and your kids. That is the best you can do for them. I wish you strength and love for all that you are going through.
Posey
Posey
Thank you for the answer back. I completely agree with him acting like he's in his 20's with no responsibility! I've even told him this, and he always seems to turn it around in how I'm the one that doesn't like to have fun and how he's not doing anything wrong, that he was just hanging out with friends in their garage! Same old story! So annoying.. I'm basically just to the point where it definitely can't affect me the same way it used to, because I've shut that part off and have put up a wall. He tends not to push it so far when he knows I'm about to flip out, and then he's almost perfect! Our kids get so happy when he's home and I wish so badly for them that they could rely on him more. But I've pretty much just realized that it's up to me to be both parents and hope and pray that they won't turn out thinking that this is the way to live! So disappointing when he can't see it that way. I feel like he's just going to keep going till it's to late and then I've suffered all this time for nothing, and then he decides to change after and someone else gets the better side of him without all the drinking sides!
Posey
Posey
Also sorry to hear about your story too! They just leave us with so many scars and I feel at times that if we were to divorce eventually, that I'll always have some problems because of the pain that I've gone through! Praying that you find some peace and strength in your life too!