wow, who knew ehow would have this info? too cool...

Check this out http://alcoholicspouse.net/how-do-you-detach-from-an-alcoholic-spouse/

Please note : surhmd is hawking his/her own website/blog and soliciting for you to sign up for his/her email newsletter.

There is some good stuff in the ehow post.


I call it quits on the name calling though. There is nothing ok about saying it is "sick" to try to control another person's behaviour. I can see how it is pointless, even hurtful. But no no no to the horrid, victim blaming attitude. We don't need icky labels on top of everything else.

Scarlet, thanks for the "heads up on suhrmd." And the ehow.

Nice, best summary I have read yet on this elusive topic. I find that it's the first step for me to clear my head and emotions so I can make decisions about my future with my husband and others. I am far from a master at it and I find that I shift from:
detach with love (has not happened with AH yet but with others yes),
detach with hate,
detach with a strong resistance (I literally force myself to do it with distractions of some sort - some healthy and some not: exercise, food, excessive travel, work, planning, organizing... trying to shift these to more positive ones such as quality time with kids).

There has also been a cool evolution that is beginning to happen whereby I'm not even thinking of AH or others! whereby in the past I would obsess a lot.

suhrmd--stop lurking here. Get lost.

Detach with love or hate. Main thing is to detach. They are nuts and will make you nuts if you let them.

Mezzorella,

How about calling it "emotionally/mentally unhealthy" to try to control others? Regardless of what we call it, it is harmful to one's health.

This is what detachment looks like:

AH spends all day puttering around in the garage sucking on numerous bottles of beer.
Family dinner is served at the usual time, he does not show up at the table.
Family eats and finishes dinner. Dishes are washed, dried, and put away.
AH shows up an hour later, stinking drunk, verbally abusive, disrupting normal family activity.
Kids disappear to "do homework," the stereo system is put on a top volume and then...
AH yells out to wife, "Hey what is there to eat around here? Im starved."
Wife responds (calmly), "Leftovers are in the refrigerator, help yourself."
AH, frustrated at his inability to force the family to revolve around his unrealistic expectations, gets angry, turns off the stereo, and stomps into the bedroom with a sarcastic, "GOOD NIGHT!!" and slams the door.
Wife responds (calmly), "good night."
Family goes about their usual business and goes to bed at the usual time.
AH wakes up at 2 AM after passing out for a few hours and manages to find and eat cold leftovers.

This is allowing the alcoholic to own the consequences of his choices.
This is not getting muddy just because the pig wants to wrestle.
This actually happened at my house last night.

Chukarfan,

Good for you on handling last night!

That is a good illustration, too.

chukarfan; sounds like the house I grew up in, my second marriage and, if I'm not firm about my expectations, my current relationship!

Found this on my spiritual website today:

"Change your expections.

People do what they do. They run around, planning, dreaming, defending and justifying.
(and terrorizing, I add)

They laugh, they cry and they feel.
(and drink, I add)

They behave and treat you more or less as you would EXPECT them to. So if you don't like it, change your expectations and watch the fireworks.

You deserve all good things. Don't just take my word for it. Try it and see for yourself."

I like the "Change Your Expectations" post.
Especially the "watch the fireworks" portion.
Ha ha ...

"Detach with love or hate. Main thing is to detach"

I love that.

Yeah, chuckar; my AH really had an eye opener when I changed my expectations and told him what I expected. No if's, and's or but's!
Surprisingly, it got really quiet at our house! No fireworks (yet)

Peace and Love to you all, my sisters!

Similar situations in my home, chukarfan. A few months ago, I simply stopped trying to revolve our lives around an alcoholic's whims, emotions, wants, and even occasional sober periods. He does what he does, and we do what we do. And I don't get drawn into fights about it because that's exactly what he wants: to fight about HIM. Because it's all about HIM. Well, not anymore.