Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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CeeCee4 12/08/2016

I have been battling my husband's alcoholism for a very long time. We've been together for 12 years he's only been sober for the last six months of those 12 years. It has progressively been worse obviously as the years progressed. He has been sober and is doing very good and is doing outpatient program. In the past I refused to bring alcohol home and bring it into the house to support him but it has never worked. This time around in his outpatient program I decided to say forget it. I live in wine country area and I have a wine membership and I get 4 bottles every 3 months. That's all the alcohol that I ever buy or comes into this household. I'm not sure how I feel about opening a bottle and drinking the wine with him here when he is trying to be sober. Before I felt like I need to support him and not bring it around at all but I have sacrificed so much of my happiness and myself that I really do enjoy having one or two glasses of wine 1 or 2 days a week. What do you think? Should I cancel my wine membership? Should I not bring alcohol in the house? I asked him how he felt about it and he said he didn't care. But I want to make sure that I make the right decision.

It is so conflicting

ExJerseyGirl2 12/09/2016

Your husband's drinking is not dependent on your drinking -- it is his decision and his choice. I say enjoy your wine. As a caution, I would not have it easily accessible to him.

I am an alcoholic married to an alcoholic. I quit drinking almost seven years ago. My AH kept drinking, getting worse -- 2 DUIs, a weekend in jail, loss of job, etc. I've never minded having wine, beer, or liquor in the house. If I decide to drink, I will find a way to get it whether it is in the house or not. I've also never minded other people drinking around me. It's my choice to not drink, not theirs.

Since my husband "quit" I've had to remove the wine from our house because he has no self control. That bothers me -- I'd like to have wine on hand to offer guests. I do have a bottle of wine hidden that I keep forgetting about -- I'll give it away at some point.

Lindsay87 12/09/2016

This is extremely interesting to me, as I am currently in the "heat of the battle." AH just moved out in a booze-fueled rage over-- ironically-- me not trusting him to not be drinking. His kneejerk reaction to me mentioning his alcoholism is "WELL YOU DRINK TOO!" He doesn't see a difference between me having a cocktail while watching a movie, and him having 3 DWIs/ hiding alcohol/ drinking 3 bottles of vodka in one day over a fight/ spending his entire paycheck on alcohol and cigarettes/ driving with children while intoxicated, etc. I fully stop drinking in support every time he says he's going to stop, but if there's a disagreement about the smallest thing, he will blow it out of proportion as an excuse to leave home and drink. I'm interested to see what others say regarding their own drinking being "accepted" or causing problems, etc.

CeeCee4 12/09/2016

It hasn't been an issue in our marriage as of right now. He's never brought up me drinking as a problem. Long ago when he first tried to get sober he did say that and that's why I stopped bringing alcohol into the house. And I did support him on that. I did a good job. I'm not addicted to it I don't need it so therefore I don't need to have it at home. But it didn't make a difference during that time. This time around with his outpatient therapy I think the councillors really pushed that it's really his problem and nobody else so if other people drink it's not really something that should affect him and his decision-making so I think this time around he's okay with me doing it but again I don't want to be doing something that's not OK. Deep down inside I feel like I should cancel my wine membership and just not bring it in the home. If I had to choose giving up wine help my husband stay sober for the rest of our marriage and the rest of his life and that is definitely not a problem. I guess I answered my own question in a way as I probably should just cancel it. I don't want to cause any more ripples or any more gateways that he could have to make a mistake.

mes71 12/10/2016

My AH says it doesn't bother him if I have a drink, or if we have alcohol in the house. He is not tempted by it. I wasn't sure if I should believe him or not.

Our friends and family will continue to drink, we live 1/2 a block from a bar and close to stores that sell alcohol. Temptations are everywhere and he needs to make the choice everyday regardless of whether or not it's in the house.

Jen77 12/13/2016

I read somewhere when I was researching alcoholism that his addiction to alcohol is not dependent on your choices. That he needs to live in a world where there's alcohol around, and he alone needs to learn to manage his sobriety in the presence of it. But I do agree that in order to live in harmony, sometimes we all have to sacrifice a little. I don't drink wine at home in the presence of my husband because to me it's a reminder of his daily struggle, and I don't enjoy it then anyway. But I do keep a bottle on hand for guests.

enoughisenough 12/16/2016

I thought I was the only one with this questions in my head. Many times I didn't drink at all at the house, just when out with friends, I also canceled parties, or bbq's at the house so people wouldn't drink around him. It doesn't work. This past thanksgiving I told my family, no alcohol in the house because of him, but latter found out him totally drunk. He only drinks beer, the freaking IPA's, and he will drink even warm if he has too. I already said no drinking anymore at the house, but will find beer bottles hiding everywhere. so doesn't matter if you have your wine, that won't make him drink, he will do it if he wants. It's crazy that they have the problem, and we are the ones changing our lives trying to fix this.

lostinsnow 12/29/2016

Also been struggling with this concept. For the most part, I have cut waaay back on my drinking, realizing that often it's because my husband is offering me a drink and I just say yes...but that is a lot. So I say no a lot and also rarely buy anything anymore to have in the house unless we are having guests. And then if he had a beer, I will wait until he's not around to have mine. Feels silly I agree because I can manage my use. But in arguments he definitely brings up the double standard argument every damn time! I hate it and keep saying it's not the same for this and that reason but it doesn't matter. Ugh...I say as he just left to go out and I go to have my hidden away beer...I'm also getting anciety over events like my work holiday party and new year's, my concern over my husband's drinking honeslty makes it so less enjoyable or desirable when we are out together. Is he going to get sloppy? Is he going to throw up in the bathroom or start bleeding like after his last binge? He used to be more functional but it is getting worse and worse. Helps to know others are dealing with the same issues, glad I came across this group.

jms7229 12/29/2016

I've tried it all..... no alcohol in the house, stopped my ( occasional social ) drinking, never drank when he was present . All variations of the above. My husband still drinks, he is still an active alcoholic.

harrisbaby 01/13/2017

I almost never drink, but one of the few times I drank with my AH, he later threw it in my face when I talked about his excessive drinking. I learned a few things: I try not to argue with him when he already started drinking, which was lately every time I was away from the house (he's now in the hospital and going to a mandatory rehab afterwards). I also decided I'm not going to work harder than he is on HIS problem. I discovered that no amount of accommodations I make or others make to keep temptation at bay help to keep him sober. I do think it's wrong for someone to chide his/her alcoholic partner with alcohol and an attitude of "I can control my drinking and YOU can't, haha!", but I don't see anyone that I know doing that. Ultimately people do exactly what they want, no matter what others are doing and no matter how they hurt other people by their decisions.

BeachyKeen 01/21/2017

Exactly my situation too. I like drinking. I like the buzz. I don't like the weight I've gained because it turned into a bad habit drinking 3 glasses of wine on the couch every night. I like all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets too, but I don't go every day. I've stopped lots of times in the past when I need a reset button. I've haven't really had anything since Christmas when my husband got terribly drunk (after the family get together) and really screwed up a situation I'll not easily let go.

He took the fun out of drinking. I have a restaurant background. I'm used to wine with foods. I lived in Napa. It can be a part of your life, but it's taken over our lives. I think his m.o. was to bring me a glass of wine before dinner when I was normally Facebooking, etc. And then another. And then I wouldn't notice how many he's had, or how many times he went to the basement or wherever to sneak a few shots.

There's no purpose in limiting alcohol in the house if you're drinking it responsibly. I've dumped many a bottle of vodka, wine, etc. and he gets more when he wants it. Whether it's on the counter or not is immaterial.

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