It is sad to be part of this group, but I have found so much support and insight from all the women here. My advice for you is to break away now, and don't shortchange yourself in any part of your life. The longer you stay together, the harder it is to leave. If you bring children into the relationship, it will be detrimental to them, and I speak from experience. An alcoholic father is basically a ghost, a non-existent parent. I have basically been a single parent for the past 8 years, and we are now in the middle of a divorce. Life with an AH is awful. You wake up years later and realize that you don't even recognize yourself any more. I wish I could be more upbeat for you, but it isn't a life I would wish on anybody. You sound like a smart young woman, especially because you already realize some of what you will be giving up. Live your best life.

I'm sorry that you are in a situation that this group is helpful, but really glad you found it. You are wise to start asking yourself these questions now. I've been married to AH for 22 years and we were together 4 years before that. I was too naive before we married to realize he had a problem. I thought if you loved someone enough you could conquer anything. I wish I could talk to my younger self now.
Only you can make this choice, but go in eyes open. Marriage is hard under the best circumstances. Marriage to an AH is like being a widow. And most times I look at this man that I loved with my whole heart and am sad that I can't feel that way anymore. Love really isn't enough because over time they kill that love.
I mourn the loss of the man I know he could have been. Ask yourself if you are willing to be alone most of the time, are you willing to be the only responsible adult in the relationship, are you willing to take an almost parental responsibility for him, are you willing to give up having someone to lean on. And very important, does he recognize that he has a problem. The other thing is educate yourself, read everything you can on the topic.
I wish you the very best of luck and sending a hug. I know how hard this decision will be.

I'm with my AH for 35 years..... I feel like I have been to hell and back! Cadeer worded it perfectly: you will be the only responsible, reliable person in the relationship. My AH would drink his cares and worries away only to heap those onto my already overburdened shoulders. His expectations of me as the perfect housewife were impossible to achieve, yet he held no expectations himself. To this day he remains selfish, remote, and tries very hard to be controlling.
Frankly at this close to retirement for myself I'm still here for financial reasons only.
I have a full and satisfying life of my own. so it is doable.
However he drives me insane if I let him. This is not the life I signed up for, but here I am just trying to make the most of it.
I send love and support .

Beamish.....alcoholism is so ruthless....it's worse than being a widow....as you mourn the loss of the real person while the alcohol controls and takes them over.....one case of alcoholism actually will completely destroy numerous lives. Mine died 6 months ago....and I had to spend the last 3 years before that seperate from him to save my sanity.....do I love him? Yes....but alcohol took him away from me long long ago. To me, alcohol is a demon entity that takes a person and any one else it can sucks in. I'll never forget the nightmare...it has deep, profound, and lasting effects.

Think about what you want for your life. Think about what it will be like to have him passed out at the dinner table at Thanksgiving... or on the couch because he could not even make it to the table. Think about getting the call at 2 am from a belligerent drunk at a police station and dealing with his DUI and loss of license. Think about the fights and lies and loneliness.

If you do decide to stay with him, then please think carefully before having kids. Then it is not just you living with an alcoholic, but your kids as well. Do you want your kids to have a drunk for a father?

Deciding you don't want to be with him does not mean you don't love him. You can love him and still get out of the relationship. it might be what is best for you, and guess what? It might be best for him too.

I can relate to the struggle these women who have commented are in. I have been with my husband for 10 years. I have been married to him for 3 years.

Before I married him, I had to assess as well. I took a break to see if I could find a better relationship and I couldn't. To me it was between this problem or another. Your spouse will always have some sort of problem.

Even with the instability alcoholism creates, I don't regret it. He's come along way in 3 years and I hold him to a high standard even still. He has to meet the expectations, that's the only way your relationship will progress. He has to value the marriage enough. Sometimes you will have to step out on faith. You will have to wait longer then you anticipate.

The way I see it. I didn't put all this work in for nothing. He is going to deliver on everything he promised me. The whole plan could fail but for me it's worth the try.

Regardless of what all the songs say, LOVE CAN NOT withstand everything. As far as I am concerned alcoholism is a disease of choice, in that while one does not choose to be an alcoholic any more than one chooses to be a diabetic it is how one manages the disease.

Ask yourself, do you want to marry someone who will not manage their disease. If you are having doubts now they will only increase.

I used to love my husband beyond belief. We have been married 20 years. I believe that it is normal for people to change with time, in a healthy relationship you discuss/accept the changes in each other and choose to carry on together. At about year 7 (prior to alcohol) we went through a rocky time and I really considered leaving him. Then again around year 10. Both times I decided to stay. We were ok, life was ok, nothing exciting nothing bad, comfortable and companionable really.

Fast forward a few years, normal life changes continue and hello Alcohol. My love for him is now down to tolerance/acceptance of his presence. I am not sure if the alcohol has contributed but I can see a marked decline in him. Last week he got mad because I did not make the bed properly and left to much sheet hanging on his side. He nags at me more and more, in his eyes I can't do anything right and "all would be well IF I listened to him" and "boy I need a drink after putting up with you all day". His drinking costs about $300 per month and he complains about how much I spend on groceries. I mentioned that I wanted to by a new pair of shoes, about $80.00 as my 8 year old ones are reaching the point of no return. He told me to wait until next pay day and then headed to the liquor store, $60 gone again. Another LOVE credit gone from my heart, balance pretty close to zero and rapidly heading towards deficit.

If I would not loose 50% of all of our assets, 50% of my pension (he does not have one) and would not have to pay about 48% of my income in spousal support as he is semi-disabled (check you province/state laws on this) I would be gone in a heart beat. I wish I had left at year 7 or at year 10 while he was still able-bodied and able to support himself. I could have recovered financially back then and would not have had to pay spousal support forever. After 20 years of marriage, the family law where I live is such that it would cost me about half of everything. If he dropped dead the day after the divorce was final, all gone to his estate, so I stick it out.

Is this the life you want?

I am in the same situation as you. Him and i have been together almost five years, I have been with him for all of my adult life. When things are good they are REALLY good, when they are bad.... I too am considering leaving, we talk about marriage and kids but he the fact that he chooses to drink over nearly everything else breaks my heart. My family knows he drinks but they don't really know about our day to day life. My sister ended up marrying his best friend which makes this situation worse for wanting to leave, i dont know what to do. Leaving him may kill me, this is not how i imagined my life would be.

Twenty five years ago I started dating a man and eventually married him, thinking I could change his drinking. It got worse and worse, we had kids. Addiction is a life of suffering. It's filled with heartache, confusion, arguments, concern for the kids and even hope. Hope that your spouse will wake up, realize his family is more important than the bottle. I love the guy who isn't a drunk. I mourn for that man. After all these years, the personality changes when he drinks, I am finally leaving. I am sad, but I know I have to get out if I ever what to have peace in my life and my children's. I am so glad you are thinking about this now. If I had to do it over again I would have chosen a different path. You must make your own mind up, but know you can't change this, or fix it, and if you want peace RUN......I don't believe anyone can truly live a happy life with an alcoholic. I know many folks in Al Anon may say different and that's ok. I'm in the midst of leaving, lawyer drafting the separation agreement and the house up for sale. It's one of the hardest things I've done, but I just keep telling myself I deserve peace, and happiness. I wish the same for you. Don't do what we've all done. You say leaving him may kill you, trust me staying with an alcoholic for years will kill your soul. None of us imagined our lives to be this way, I'm glad you don't have kids. You can't fix him, but you can give yourself a better future. Please go see a counsellor and work out why you think you deserve this kind of relationship. I wished I had talked to someone who had walked down the path I was about to take. I wish you well, I know it takes a lot of courage to leave, you just have to imagine the life you want and then make it happen with the right guy. Peace.

Iamdonetoday - and so many more of you - you speak the words of my heart. To Beamish - I know this is an agonizing decision for you. But my best advice is to value YOURSELF first, and enter a life with someone who is NOT an alcoholic or addicted to substances. It is nothing but a life of heartache, pain and destruction, and in the end, you yourself will feel crazy...filled with anxiety, out of control emotions, and your own life will spiral. I agree with Cadeer that this decision is only YOURS to make, and only YOU will be able to make the right one. Follow your GUT, your spirit, your internal voice. Make the right decision for yourself, value yourself, and move forward to a life of love with someone who gives you EVEYRTHING you dream of and deserve, and works hard to make sure HE is the BEST man for YOU. My entire life has been wasted and destroyed by addiction/alcohol. And the addiction wasn't MINE. But every aspect of my life has been affected by it. God bless you and many prayers for you.