Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
If you plan on your AH to not be able to keep his job after you leave, therefore, meaning he won't be able to give assistance financially, how do you do it. I stayed for so long because I have been a stay-at-home mom for so long, I don't have a stable work history for a decent paying job. Even if I was able to get a full-time job, I would barely make enough just for rent each month. Not including everything else you need to live and get by with two growing teens.
I wish I could count on him to be able to function once the boys and I leave, but I haven't been able to count on him for anything else for so long. He can barely keep it together now, with us living with him.
I would love to be able to stay where we are at, for the kids, because this is the only home they have known. They have friends here and a whole life of memories in this house and town.
I could possibly move in with my dad, but he lives about 45 mins away from where we are now. We would be totally starting over, just so my AH could stay here and fall apart faster.
I left him 7 years ago as a wake up call, wanting him to get out of the house, so they boys wouldn't be uprooted, but his first reaction was that this was his home and he wasn't going anywhere. After 5 days of us being gone, he decided that the boys and I could stay here and he would be at his dads for awhile. Of course, I let him back in with the knowledge that the next time I leave it will be for good. Things have been very up and down. He quit for 3 years, but things didn't change the way he wanted and started drinking again.
I'm at the point where I can't even pretend I like him very much. I don't expect anything out of him. I just really don't know how this will work out without the boys and I ending up in total poverty or possibly homeless some day. My youngest is starting 7th grade this year and I really don't see lasting even another 3 1/2 years until he could start working to help out.
I just don't know how to go about this whole thing. I am going to start working, out a checking and savings account, to start building up money and see if I can try to somehow get into low income living, but I really could use some prayers to get some clear answers on the direction I need to take.
Have you ever talked to an attorney? Many will give you a free consultation just to tell you your options. The other thing you can do is attend an alanon meeting. The people there have been in your situation and may know some things that can help you..
I wish you the best of luck. Sending prayers.
The fact is, for almost all of us, whether we go or we stay, our economic future is very uncertain. Living with an active alcoholic means they could lose their job, descend so far in their disease that they blow all the income, become unemployable, and rack up huge hospital/doctor copays. So for us, the spouses, we need to protect our and our children's futures, as best we can. Start small, get that personal savings account going. Cut your grocery bill, however you can, and squirrel away the extra money. See if you qualify for any free education assistance, that could train you in a year or two, for a better than minimum wage job. Start a blog and monetize it. Sell stuff on craigslist (and bank the cash). What were your passions before you had kids? Is there any money to be made in that area? Even a small amount of money, made on the side, can boost a minimum wage earner's income to a point that you can make ends meet.
I'm working on all of this myself. I began the morning after I felt that last straw break the camel's back. I knew then that I had to take control of my financial future. Maybe that's where you are now? I've also been a stay at home mom, with occasional income on the side, for almost my entire marriage. The way I began earning more money, and taking some control of our/my finances was to start a blog and monetize it. I'm actually doing okay with it, too. Not making a fortune, but making something. And I've let my friends know that I'm available for childcare and housecleaning services. I've picked up some income doing that. And I cut way back on all of our spending, so there would be extra money to put away, just in case. My H just thinks I'm frugal. I've managed to save enough in the last 4 years that if my H lost his job tomorrow, we'd be okay for a year.
It's possible, but it does take time and planning to get all those financial ducks in a row. Start small, and just keep working at it. You'll be okay, and so will your boys. You are the anchor in your family, and your boys know that. You are strong. You are capable. And you can do this.
I'll pray for you.