Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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CeeCee4 01/31/2017

My husband has been sober now 7 months. It has been a rough 12 years before this but maybe things will stay good. If not though I'm out I made that clear.

My question to you all is how do people react to your AH? Do they have friends that drink? How dose your and his family react to him? What do others say to you or not say? How has your AH affected your personal relationships?

I have a few friends that over the years have seen my hurt. Who have watch what I have gone through, seen my tears and have heard my pain. I was going to 100% leave after nursing school may 2016. I sat down with him and said enough! I'm through either rehab or divorce and no in between and no second chances. He has done a complete 180. But now I have friends who look at me as weak for staying and who I have lost due to them not support me staying. I guess part is my fault for disclosing my problems maybe I should have had a counsler instead. But I have lost friends due to him. Drunk and sober now.

I also have my mother in law who pissed me off. I was always asking her to help back me up but NEVER did she ever. She wanted updates on how things were with indirect hints but holly goodness she was too timid to say anything. Her fear of loosing her relationship with her son was greater than telling him he had a problem. I was the only one who ever told him he needed help. Everyone ignored it no one would stand with me or try to help him. I guess it's easier to ignore? Plus all his friends drink to varying degrees and most are functioning alcoholics. I was the one person who stayed by his side and fought for him to get help. We went on a vacation after I graduated in November to Costa rica for 10 days. She had the audacity to say "I hope it doesn't turn into a drinking fest since he has been sober." I was like wtf?!?! Who are you to put all this on me? If he drinks it's not because the vacation it's because he drank and it's not on me. He didn't and that was great. But comments like that piss me off. Where were you are 12 freaking years as I asked for your help?!?! Made me so mad

I feel like I am in a room screaming and drowning and no one was helping. Now that he is doing better the pressure is all around. People judging and upset I didn't leave. No winning I tell you.

I'm tired. This is exhausting. Being an Alcoholics spouse is exhausting

bluesprite72 01/31/2017

I hear you sister. I've been on this rollercoaster for almost 20 years now. It is so crazy. Yes, I lost some friends as well. Either because they couldn't be around it due to their past or because they were both of our friends and didn't want to be in the middle. And the MIL, I went to her over the years about it and she would give excuses or enable it.
The last time I talked to her about it, he had been sober for 3 years and had started up again. Her and I were talking about how we thought he was drinking again. Of course, I knew he had started up again, because I live with him. She went to confront him, and he lied to her face, while being drunk.
About how others react: They aren't in your marriage. It takes a lot of courage to stay and try to pick up the pieces and make things work. I went through all of that early on, when I had left and given him an altimatum and took him back. Either way, whether someone stays or leaves an addict, they are strong in their decision. I'm sorry for the lack of support you have around you. You have us here.

jms7229 01/31/2017

What really gets me is when friends/ aquaintences feel the need to inform me ina concerned way that my husband seems to have a drinking problem. I want to scream" REALLY? i didn't notice" but never once has one of those concerned citizens offered a shoulder, safe haven, or assistance.
I actually had a phychciatrist call me at work after my husband went for help. This waste of a doctor was asking ME questions he should have been asking the patient. And then once again a group therapist in one of the "best " outpatient facilities in this Area called me at work and complained thT my husband left before giving his urine sample. She actually threatened me that he would be kicked out of the program if I didn't find him...... I wanted to scream AGAIN. " excuse me asshole but did you take addiction 101? I am working on detachment what he does is NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY "
But I have learned not to bother too much with what others say or think. I struggling to work on myself.

CeeCee4 02/02/2017

I wish people around me would have said something but everyone ignored his problem which made it worse because I "was the crazy one" and he was fine. Yeah, I m sure drinking 18 pack of beer every night is completely normal. Or passing out at 5 pm waking up and peeing on the kitchen cabinets ugh man but it's ok. Some people just don't know what to say so they ignore it

hopefulmum 02/05/2017

CeeCee4 I can so relate to your MIL resentment! I feel the same. My MIL is loving and kind to me. When I worked up the nerve to break the news that her son had drinking problem (like is own father who now has 30+ years in AA), she nonchalantly told me he had already noticed. She then said that there was nothing they could do... I was the only one he would listen to...the two people in my life (MIL & FIL) who knew what a beast this disease is...left me with the impression that I could do something about it....and I tried for years. Finally, they did show up for an intervention which worked. But I'm left feeling angry...I would never let a friend or family member live with an alcoholic without telling them straight up...it will never stop, just occasional pauses, don't hold out false hope.

CeeCee4 02/05/2017

Well I am lucky he found sobriety now 7 months sober this month will be 8. But no help from anyone else. Just a few close friends who would lend an ear.

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