Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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How do I keep boundaries?

R654
R654

I know I need to start going to Al-Anon, I just havent taken the leap. 


I am really struggling with keeping boundaries for my own self.  My alcoholic significant other has gotten accustomed to me getting his alcohol for him because he is embarrased to keep going to the convenience store, and he has very bad anxiety and doesnt want me to leave when he drinks, despite me hating to be at home watching him drink.  We have tried discussing limits together like amounts and days he drinks, but of course that doesnt work. So I try setting limits just for myself, like not wanting to be home when he is drinking, or me not buying his alcohol. He literally screams and cries. We are young, but he is still really a child. He had a hard upbringing and I feel like he is living out his teenage years now but with adult level consequences. I am struggling to keep my word when I tell him if he keeps drinking I'm going to leave, and even the smaller things. He wants me to be so involved when he drinks because he feels like it will keep him more accountable and help him "get better", but I feel like it's really just enabling. 

sweetiepie212121
sweetiepie212121
Alcoholics in ny experience are not nice people period. It is like sqeezing an orange expecting milk to come out. It is a loosing battle. Sometimes we need to move away from them saving our sanity.
Maxi-mum
Maxi-mum
I’m sorry you’re going through this and only you know what is achievable for you in your own mind. Boundaries are hard! But so important- I think one of the biggest things for me has been working out who owns what. The fact my husband drinks and the reasons for that are owned by him, as are his responses to situations he’s in. My response to his drinking and how I facilitate it or not are owned by me. Once you work that out, it becomes easier to work out what boundaries you can realistically set. It sounds like you are working really hard in this situation to keep your husband happy which is admirable- but in doing so you’re making yourself miserable- I note your comment around him wanting you to be involved to hold him accountable- I’d be a little careful of that statement because by involving yourself means that you may more easily be manipulated into believe you’re to blame- and you’re not. There’s a book called boundaries by dr Henry cloud- I highly recommend it... and maybe heading to an al anon meeting if there’s one local to you could help too? Blessings to you, I hope you have a good Christmas
Godsplan
Godsplan
I think you are definitely enabling and with alcoholics you have to be explicit because they are so manipulative.

I definitely think you should stop buying him alcohol. If he’s embarrassed to go to the store then obviously it’s because he senses that’s it’s wrong and that others are aware of his behavior too. Let him be an adult and own his consequences.

With an alcoholic, it’s always a leap of faith. I don’t allow my husband to keep alcohol in th house, so he mostly drinks when he goes out. Does it scare me to think something will happen to him? Of course! But my house is my sanctuary and the madness he brings when he drinks, is just not ok.

It sounds like your husband wants you to be responsible for his drinking and at the end of the day that’s his responsibility. The only way for him to grow, is to take on the responsibility for himself.

All the best.