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How do I detach while still being supportive?

Trex
Trex

I always knew he was a heavy drinker. I always knew he had a problem. But he was such a fun, capable, talented person who I was, and still am, so attracted to. We got married last year after being together for 3 years. We had our problems but loving each other was not one of them. Unfortunately, it's been rocky ever since earlier this year. Finally, in March, I left him after another drunken outburst. We were separated for a month, during which I urged him to seek help for his drinking. He didn't, but he did see a doctor and got put on anti depressants. I thought that was a good sign, so I moved back home. I asked him to please stop drinking at work because if anything happened and he lost his job, we would be financially unstable. He promised he wasnt. I thought that was the case until I saw his bank statement (separate accounts) and saw he had spent $600 alone on bars and beers that he would drink on the job. 


He got a dui this past weekend but is still drinking at work, meaning he's still drinking and driving. Yesterday he swore to me that he hadn't had a drink that day but then he got drunk and let it slip that he had. I'm furious. I'm afraid to be furious. I'm afraid to let go. I have since been digging through his things to find proof of his lies (I keep finding it) and it's making me crazy and him angry at me for violating his space.


I have read about detachment and read about the concepts associated with it but I have no idea how to implement these concepts. Do I stop spending time with him? Do I stay away when he's been drinking? That would mean I would never be home. I love this person and we are currently in marital counseling but he has made no effort to work on the lies or the drinking and it feels like every thing is falling a part.

Newlife4me
Newlife4me
Detachment can be a lonely existence, but helpful for those who feel they have no options or are financially dependent on the alcoholic. You basically end up as roommates, living your own life, but with a ball and chain. You're young and you don't mention kids, so why give up a lifetime of happiness. It's bound to get worse, and from what you say, the natural progression will be him losing his job. It just doesn't get easier.
Posey
Posey
It will get worse over time if you keep doing all of that. I think the best advice to where you're at is to just focus on yourself. Meaning instead of putting all the effort of paying attention to what he's doing and proving what you already know to be true, just don't and focus on doing something that benefits you like working out or focusing on something that makes you a better person, or makes you feel better. Get a pedicure or whatever it is. If you keep just nagging him about it or even just trying to prove it, it's just going to make him more closed off from you because he's going to find a way to do it reguardless even though he knows you don't like it because he's got a problem with the drinking. Just like all of our husbands. I've read that you are supposed to let them hit their rock bottom and part of that is letting him deal with his own problems and consequences from drinking without being able to put ANY of it on you. just focus on making you the best so it doesn't have as much of a negative impact on you after years and years of going through it. Trust me, it's not easy but if you maintain that attitude and allowing him to take control of himself and letting him fall all on his own, it will save you from years of heartbreak and defeat. And he may just hit that rock bottom and change but prepare yourself for if he doesn't.