draw your line in the sand of when you are allowed boundaries. When my HFAH has 'had a bit much' he too is belligerent. I was advised by others that i could chose to stay and put up with the verbal abuse or walk away.
I now walk away or if he is in a more amiable mood i comment back that 'he needs to change his clothes - he has grumpy all over them'.
when he does something nice reward him for the kindness. the whole positive and negative reinforcement thing.
alcoholism is a disease that they are suffering from and it takes total control of them. Their ego will not allow them to admit this however. at least that is my husband.

I totally get that but I just struggle with the fact they are so nasty when drinking, I can set all the boundaries in the world with my AH when he is sober, to the point even sets them himself!! but they go out the window when drunk!
It's pointless talking to them when drunk as it just ends up in an argument!!!
It's like they are possessed by an evil demon inside them!!

sll82 my AH tries the nice guy approach only because I allowed it to work for years now not so. I understand what ur saying in feeling like ur giving in when u except it. It sucks because u don't wanna be that cold hearted B that they accuse u of when their just trying to be NICE!!! We'll call it what it is but u can only hang in there for so long till u have to put ur foot down. Boundaries are good but they usually fly out the window when the AH is stupidly drunk and can't follow the rules. Sorry... I'm just getting older and more bitter as I allow this to happen. If anyone would have told me 30 yrs ago that I would be where I am today God I wish I would have paid more attention and not hoped that I would be the woman that changed him. And yessss I see that evil demon looking at me every night! Hang in there ur not alone. Hugs

Thank you DSTRICK, this site has been a godsend for me since finding it, it is such a lonely thing loving an alcoholic. I tried al-anon but it's not for me, I'm a private person and it made me uncomfortable.
It terrifies me when I read posts like yours that say they have been with their AH for 30 years, I know I need to get out if he doesn't get help otherwise it will destroy my life.
But I feel guilty when people tell me it's a disease, yes i know and understand that but in my head it can be treated and controlled if the addict really wanted it to be.
It's a horrific thing for everyone and I wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemy

Sll, it its a horrific disease but i've just started to realize the facts... my AH is 56 so his health is deteriorating he sees a doctor for his heart, high BP, he's been told he has fatty liver, at one point his kidneys were shutting down he sees a doctor regularly and takes medication everyday. These are medical problems that can lead to other horrific diseases so what is the difference I have asked him on many occasions lately?? If he can see a doctor for health issues why not seek a doctor for his addiction. 2 months ago he took 7 weeks off of work to have hand surgery (was told that this fix would be temporary) he wouldn't take pain meds so he could drink! Why not use this time off to do rehab I ask?? So my point being if he really wanted to quit he knows how to get the help and he's not in denial he will tell me he's an alcoholic but he loves his drinking and hes not willing to give it up not even to save our marriage. Why have I stayed? We'll just like most of us married to an alcoholic and haven't left.... We hang on to that shimmer of hope that they will realize and quit, we're to soft hearted to break their heart, we take it good or bad daily and sacrifice our happiness to take care of them. Trust me the longer you go the harder it is. I wish someone had told me this years ago i've never experienced this my mother in law buried her alcoholic husband of 31 years at the age of 56. My AH thinks he will have the same fate as his dad and if he continues down this road he will be correct! Good luck to u in what ever ur choice is. It won't be easy either way you go.