Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
After 3 and a half years of living with an alcoholic, I have finally asked him to leave. It's funny how we stay and Carry on thinking things will get better. Which for some it may.
In my situation I had my suspicions after 9 months into the relationship, he thought it was normal to drink 20 pints in an evening when out. Initially he would have a massive night out followed by a week long of depression and self loathing. I honestly thought I'd fix him, I loved him with all my heart and felt that we could still have a future. It turns out his mum was an alcoholic when she was pregnant with him and she verbally abused him for years. However he is now 32 years old and as much as this was the start of it, he needs to take some responsibility for himself.
It's hard as he does not drink everyday, and when he doesn't drink he lives a normal life. Just being 'one of the lads'. I also don't drink much so thought I was over reacting for a long time mainly because he would tell me what he does is normal. Drinking alone at home, so much so that he can't go to work the next day because he is so rough. I have come home and found him passed out a few times.
Over the years I've learnt that arguing, nagging, and threatening of me leaving doesn't make a difference (probably because I never followed through with it).
Last February after a weekend of drinking and not coming home, I had had enough. He then produced an engagement ring! I obviously explained that our relationship was not healthy. He agreed he would stop drinking as he 'wasn't addicted'. The following week I went to spend a week with my mum only to be unable to get hold of him on the second day.
The feeling of anger, paranoia, suspicion, would not leave. I decided to jump into the car and drive home to see what he was doing! Like a crazed woman! There he was red eyes, pale, grey skin. Stinking of booze as he had only just got in from a 48 hour bender, he even denied it, to my face. I pleaded with him to get out and stay somewhere else, he finally agreed after 3 hours. Once out of the house I packed up all of his belonging and placed them in the cabin in the garden. I did not want him back in the house. I then informed him that he no longer lived with me and gave him £250 to go and find somewhere to stay.
He obviously panicked and cried, frightened and shaking with fear. It was awful. I felt so guilty and as this behaviour is so unlike me, I needed to make him realise that he does have a problem and the way that this relationship was going is not what I want from a future husband and father of my children. I offered my support throughout but from a safe distance so that I could also get my self esteem and confidence back.
He enrolled into AA that day, and he has been attending (to the best of my knowledge on/off since). 3 months later, we were back on talking terms and spending more time together. I agreed to have him back in my house for us to 'try' again. Unfortunately his Nan then passed away and his dad had a serious accident in South America and needed brain surgery this added pressure instantly and the drinking in secret along with lies began again.
This all came to a halt this week when I needed to visit my sick mother and went down for 3 days, day 2 and I can not get hold of him.....(by then I was in my old state) When he did finally answer he was so drunk he was slurring his words and made no sense, of course he denied drinking. But we know the signs, we know our gut feelings. After getting home last night I asked him to move out.
I am hoping I stick to my guns as I know the relationship is toxic and I will never be able to trust him again. The whole situation makes me so sad, this man that I fell in love with is still there but how long do you give it? When you are married? When you have children? When you are unable to recognise yourself? You sit waiting for the next time, apprehensive and always on edge.
I wish I knew if it was the right thing to do...but will it ever end?
In my situation I had my suspicions after 9 months into the relationship, he thought it was normal to drink 20 pints in an evening when out. Initially he would have a massive night out followed by a week long of depression and self loathing. I honestly thought I'd fix him, I loved him with all my heart and felt that we could still have a future. It turns out his mum was an alcoholic when she was pregnant with him and she verbally abused him for years. However he is now 32 years old and as much as this was the start of it, he needs to take some responsibility for himself.
It's hard as he does not drink everyday, and when he doesn't drink he lives a normal life. Just being 'one of the lads'. I also don't drink much so thought I was over reacting for a long time mainly because he would tell me what he does is normal. Drinking alone at home, so much so that he can't go to work the next day because he is so rough. I have come home and found him passed out a few times.
Over the years I've learnt that arguing, nagging, and threatening of me leaving doesn't make a difference (probably because I never followed through with it).
Last February after a weekend of drinking and not coming home, I had had enough. He then produced an engagement ring! I obviously explained that our relationship was not healthy. He agreed he would stop drinking as he 'wasn't addicted'. The following week I went to spend a week with my mum only to be unable to get hold of him on the second day.
The feeling of anger, paranoia, suspicion, would not leave. I decided to jump into the car and drive home to see what he was doing! Like a crazed woman! There he was red eyes, pale, grey skin. Stinking of booze as he had only just got in from a 48 hour bender, he even denied it, to my face. I pleaded with him to get out and stay somewhere else, he finally agreed after 3 hours. Once out of the house I packed up all of his belonging and placed them in the cabin in the garden. I did not want him back in the house. I then informed him that he no longer lived with me and gave him £250 to go and find somewhere to stay.
He obviously panicked and cried, frightened and shaking with fear. It was awful. I felt so guilty and as this behaviour is so unlike me, I needed to make him realise that he does have a problem and the way that this relationship was going is not what I want from a future husband and father of my children. I offered my support throughout but from a safe distance so that I could also get my self esteem and confidence back.
He enrolled into AA that day, and he has been attending (to the best of my knowledge on/off since). 3 months later, we were back on talking terms and spending more time together. I agreed to have him back in my house for us to 'try' again. Unfortunately his Nan then passed away and his dad had a serious accident in South America and needed brain surgery this added pressure instantly and the drinking in secret along with lies began again.
This all came to a halt this week when I needed to visit my sick mother and went down for 3 days, day 2 and I can not get hold of him.....(by then I was in my old state) When he did finally answer he was so drunk he was slurring his words and made no sense, of course he denied drinking. But we know the signs, we know our gut feelings. After getting home last night I asked him to move out.
I am hoping I stick to my guns as I know the relationship is toxic and I will never be able to trust him again. The whole situation makes me so sad, this man that I fell in love with is still there but how long do you give it? When you are married? When you have children? When you are unable to recognise yourself? You sit waiting for the next time, apprehensive and always on edge.
I wish I knew if it was the right thing to do...but will it ever end?
So, I told you all of this to say in my experience it never changes. Even when it does, it never lasts for long. Your situation might be the exception. Just don't throw your youth away on this kind of life.
Since he has a house 100 miles from here, he can come and go, often alone, and drink with relatives, etc. I have given ultimatums, have asked him to go to an AA meeting, to the doctor and etc. None of it has urged him to drink less.
They get worse - have not read any stories where they suddenly change. The alcoholic personality can remain when they become sober.
You are young. Life can be glorious but not with a drinker. Children should have a healthy mother and father. Please get support for yourself - a therapist. In our town 5 people have died this year from alcoholism. The last one was 46 years old. Toward the end, I hear he was almost a vegetable. I remember when he was married, worked and was the life of a party. The liver gives out for some.
Please think of your future.
I have suggested a shrink due to other mental health issues but again I don't know whether I should just give up and let him make his own life. Everywhere always says the drinker has to make the decisions but as I'm at the end of all this then this may make a difference.
It's good to a slightly successful story, I'm not sure I would be able to trust mine again which makes me feel like I should find someone else who I can
It's true...only the drinker can stop. No matter how much support we offer, ultimately it's their choice and willpower that will determine their fate with alcohol.
I have suggested a shrink due to other mental health issues but again I don't know whether I should just give up and let him make his own life. Everywhere always says the drinker has to make the decisions but as I'm at the end of all this then this may make a difference.
It's good to a slightly successful story, I'm not sure I would be able to trust mine again which makes me feel like I should find someone else who I can
My AH kept drinking after I quit and his drinking got worse. Last year was hell. He was picked up by police multiple times, jailed for a few days, always "quitting" but starting again after a few weeks. last May he almost lost his job because he passed out drunk, and then went into a one week rehab. In less than a month he was drinking again.
But in August he quit again and it seems different this time. it has been four months and he seems to be doing okay with it. I've stopped checking his secret hiding places every day, but trusting him is still difficult.
I feel bad because you're looking for hope. Or a reason to stay. And unfortunately there's not much hope. It's clear you love your partner, but I hope you know how much you are worth and how valuable you are.
You're clearly a strong woman! I admire that!
Christmas is such a difficult time for alcoholics, drinking is everywhere, radio, TV, media, friends, colleagues and families all encouraging alcohol, how is anyone suppose to say no when they have a problem. So I will be having a very quiet Christmas with my cat which makes me feel very sad but it's also an end of a crappy year and planning on starting the New Year a fresh.
Keep strong ladies. X
I look back at journal entries I made back then. I knew then, but I didn't believe it. I kept hoping he'd stop, that he'd return to the man I loved with all my heart. He didn't. It just got worse.
As others on here have said, you're always waiting for the shoe to drop. You can't change them. You can't want it for them more than they want it for themselves.
I read a book recently - in it, the therapist stated in his experience about 98% of alcoholics fail to achieve sobriety. Only 2% do and it's a very disciplined approach - maybe 1/2 a drink a couple times a month. Sticking to that amount? Tough.
My advice? Follow-through. If he gets sober and stays sober for a couple years, reconsider then. Don't do it now. See what else is out there. Use this time to learn about you. Seek some counseling, read some books, learn more about the characteristics of alcoholism/addictions, etc. This knowledge will ensure you don't end up in a similar relationship with someone else.
Best of luck in whatever direction you choose!