It does and it just get bigger.
Hugs and prayers for us all

My ah {not my ex} Stopped drinking in Jan..he became depressed.They changed his meds about 3 weeks ago and he is doing much better.Starting to be his old self again. As far as anger issues are concerned..From my years of dealing with people with anger issues and support groups I have learned the anger issues are always there.Sometimes the alcohol releases the inhibtion to express the anger.Sounds like he needs more than to stop drinking he probably needs some counseling as well.My husband has been getting counseling as well as going to a support group..Is he open to that? I hope he can make the changes you need. Hopefully you will get the help you need as well.

I have wondered this myself. I don't think the bad behaviors necessarily go away, even when the alcohol abuse stops. I can relate to everything you wrote about being blamed. The cell phone story happened to me too, only it was a different item. Also, can you be sure he really quit drinking? Alcoholics are very good liars. My AH has quit hard alcohol (his words) and lost a bunch of weight, but this was only after I threw him out. The lies and manipulation are still there. I know if I took him back, in a short time he'd be back to his old ways. I'm sorry I can't give you a scientific answer. I have searched for this myself and never found it. I finally decided I'd rather spend my time focusing on myself, and forget about why he does this or that. Good luck!

why wouldn't the bad behaviors go away? as in the previous reply - it may be an anger issue separate from the alcohol issue. we have to see how it goes. he definitely has not been drinking. it has been 33 days. how do I know? he chats with me all day while at work - he cant chat from his cell phone, so I know he is in front of his computer. could he be hiding hard liquor? yes, but I would know - I would sense it. he would be slightly off. the biggest factor in all of this is his performance with sex - he has not had any issues - I have been joking with him lately that I haven't seen "Mr Softy" in a long time - the alcohol, although it boosted his sex drive, it decreased his performance. and lastly, he has not been out at night in 5 weeks. this proves he is really concentrating on fixing this - he does not want to tear apart the relationship with me or the family. I am grateful for that. Just hope there are not too many bumps along the way. Oh, yeah, and guess what - he went on the computer and found this site and read my post on this thread - can you imagine how I felt???? he said, well you snooped on my cell phone - I said because you lied to me - you left me a reason to, I didn't lie to him, I just needed to vent to strangers. I was devastated, but then we had a long long talk about other things, so it was helpful in the end. I guess?!!! 11 Christmases - so you are not with your AH any longer? This is what I am fighting for - I don't want to lose my husband, I want to help him and by helping him, he is helping me.

Correct, we are separated. He just got too abusive, wouldn't even cut back on hard liquor even though I was asking him for nearly a year. I had to protect myself and the kids. For the most part, it's been a relief. Though whenever I'm in a bookstore, I find myself looking at the addiction books, trying to get answers. He could have an underlying anger issue, I suppose, though I never noticed it until we'd been together 10-15 years.

I think the 'blaming' is because they KNOW you are a better person than they are and they are just trying to make themselves feel better about themselves by putting you down. I was accused of 'moving' some drill bit. My AH went on for hours with little sarcastic comments about this dumb drill bit. I ignored him. A few hours later he was in a good mood. I said "Did you find your bit?" He said he did. I said "Oh.... where DID I put it?" It was in his truck. I just said that that was a strange place for me to be putting your drill bit. Then a few days later I was blamed for 'moving' his gopher traps. I said you should ask your dad and see if he has them. My AH insisted his dad had given them back the last time he used them. Ok - well sorry, I haven't seen your gopher traps, I don't know WHERE I put them. A few minutes later his dad comes driving up the driveway with his gopher traps. Huh. And do you think I get any apologies? Nope. Asshole. The best one was when my AH was changing the oil in my car and he lost the plug for the oil trap under the car. Somehow that was MY fault.... Personally, I think they don't like themselves and the only way to make themselves feel better is by putting other people down and blaming others for their own problems they have brought upon themselves.

Chapelle, I don't know your whole story. 1.) If your husband was an angry person before he became a drunk, that will continue...if there hasn't been too much damage to his brain due to alcohol use, things will become clearer & better than you even remembered them after a bit (different for everyone, from 24 hours to 2 weeks). My AH took 4 days of ZERO drinking. 2.) There will be emotional hiccups, but like I said in my first point, if he wasn't like that before, he won't be like that during the "hiccups". 3.) The "sad" point...what I have read is SOOOOO similar to my experience! My AH slowly became a chronic functioning alcoholic(I learned that last week as he has been in rehab for 7 days)...I asked my AH to stop drinking, only I only asked him for 30 days. He sweat, shook, jumped out of bed from his nightmares, etc. after 2 nights of this he started to calm down. Long story short, he never quit vodka. I thought he had because of the two hard days & the fact that he could function with alcohol. You mentioned him still performing in bed...yup, apparently their bodies are so used to vodka that they can perform! :-( They are called functioning because it is hard to detect & the only times I THOUGHT he had had a hard day at work & decided to drink (BEFORE he came home) were just the days that he gauged it "wrong" & had a little too much to drink. I realized with two days in a row of BAD drunk something was going on, so after a VERY thorough search of his work van, I found 3 BIG bottles of vodka & only one had about 8 ounces left in it.

I am SO sorry if I'm wrong about your AH possibly drinking still, but it just sounded like I was reading my own posts. This was only a few months ago, he hit a "rock bottom" for him 2 weeks ago when there were two days in a row that he couldn't even completely function at work because he decided to start drinking mid morning & didn't gauge it. So, at the end of the second day he called & asked me to take him to rehab. After 3 days of detox in the hospital (those were AWFUL) & 7 days in rehab (which he has LOVED, even though it's hard for him to be away), he is doing AMAZING! It is SO good to have the REAL him back so far. I took our 4, 7 & 9 year old to visit him yesterday & they said they wanted to "steal" him because they said he was all better! He was having fun with us, laughing and he stayed awake the WHOLE time ;)

My husband was never the type to be angry or ugly to me before he became an alcoholic, but after some classes/lectures that he & I have gone to at the facility, we have realized it was just that the fog he was in all the time (even if he wasn't drunk) altered the way he thought & the things he said were just a reflection of his unhappiness & his own bad self-image at the time. I hope this helps & PLEASE feel free to ask me any questions you might have....HUGS to you!!!

Like all of us wives of alcoholics we spend too much time thinking and focussing on their addiction, and not on our own recovery. This disease affects us just as much as them. You will end up being brought down (as I was) if you don't focus on yourself. It's true what many have written about on daily strength, you need to detach (with compassion). I joined Alanon and see a counsellor. I got way to wrapped up in his disease, the effects of it and getting him to get treatment for it. He went for treatment only to come out and start drinking again. He lies about his use, blames me for everything bad in the world and our relationship, forgets things (blackouts), has an over inflated sense of self and very distorted drinking. His personality changes when he's drunk.

Alcoholism is a brain disease, it is highly relapsable, and gets progressively worse with time. I don't own my husband's recovery, he does (if he wants it), and I can't fix him I can only fix myself.

I hope you (easier said than done) turn your focus to yourself, get help and heal from the destruction of your husband's behaviour. I spent most of my 24 year marriage worrying, nagging, yelling, silent treatment, and trying to get him help for his drinking. Nothing worked and I got really emotionally unhealthy myself. I wish I had a magic wand, the disease is horrid.

Get off the emotional roller coaster and take care of you, learn about the disease it will help you better understand it. Hugs!

Thank you so much for all of your posts! pinchmeawake - I will definitely keep in touch, thank you!