Get out your crystal balls because this could be YOUR future ladies . . . so pay attention. You all know my story of being married to a massive drunk for over 25 years. We are both in our 50s now, we have no kids, it's just us. It's around this age that alcohol starts to take a physical toll on the alcoholic. TIME TO PAY THE PIPER. Bad news is, YOU GOTTA PAY THE PIPER TOO which sucks ass. But after all the hospital visits, the fighting, the watching his health deteriorate, things start to change. At first I was pissed off that I had to accompany my AH to the hospital because I hate being forced to be anywhere. Extra Xanax was taken every time just to get me through.

After many fights and hurt feelings, AH and I are on a very honest road. He knows he is suffering for his choices and let me tell you my friends, THIS MAN IS SUFFERING FOR HIS SIN OF DRINKING AND SMOKING FOR 40 YEARS. At first I felt "put out" when I had to be a nurse and take care of him. By that point, I was starting to HATE HIM and it was rough.

Since March of this year, he has not had one drop of booze and is quitting smoking. At first it was like getting to know each other over again. He had been drunk our whole dating life and marriage. Now I get to meet the man he really is, stripped of his vices and naked to the world. He wants me around him all the time because he is lonely and scared. At first I was pissed because I spent most of our marriage lonely and scared and thought FUCK HIM. But as time as gone by and I see his awful pain and not being able to breathe, the tiny part of me that still loves him jumped to the front of the line. If I am FORCED to care for someone, I will resent you till you die, and that is the path I was on. 

However, something good happened out of this mess. We got to know each other SOBER and completely honest. We are getting to know each other again and I am slowly coming out of my room and spending more time with him watching our favorite shows. Even while laboring to breathe and in terrible pain, he jokes with me to where I am belly laughing until I cry. He has this strong will to live, which I never expected. Tomorrow we will be going back to the hospital because something is wrong with his lungs. He cannot breathe and resembles what a fish looks like when taken out of water.

Maybe we can start over from here in a more honest place, HOWEVER, this last stint may kill him. Wouldn't that be a bitch that when he and I can come together sober and enjoy each other's company and he dies? I have no support system if he dies, it's just me and his brother. Maybe my AH's will to live will rub off on me, because these last few years, I thought it would be easier to end it (though I am a huge pussy). I am hopeful but realisitic not to mention my cripling pessimissim! I may be screwed but hopefully my post will resonate with some of the women in this forum.