Ok, I have to share this, because I am, not sure what the right word would be, dumbstruck/gobsmacked/flabbergasted.speechless, regarding how he views his alcohol consumption.  Right now he drinks 1.75 litres of rye whiskey every 6 to 7 days.  That works out to 8 - 10 onces a day, every day.  He has been drinking like this for at least 2 years (although he has been drinkign heavily for a lot longer, I just never really kept track).

He is going in for surgery next week.  I told him to be honest with his doctors about his alcohol consumption.  He said he discused it with them and says they don't see it as a problem.  I saw the forms he filled out for the hospital, which he has to submit when he checks in for surgery.  He did write that he drinks 8 - 10 onces of rye a day on it. 

He asked me why I was concerned about how much he drinks.  Trying to keep it impersonnal and not start a fight, I told him that his consumption was significantly over the health guidelines for the safe consumption of alcohol and that it could have long term health effects and that I was concerned.  Sort of like talking to his 86 year old, pack a day forever smoker, Dad about the dangers of smoking.

This morning he asked me to make sure that I have the tea he likes available for after surgery.  He stated that while he will be on pain killers, he will be wanting tea in the evening after supper instead of his usual rye.  I am thinking, Yeah!  He gets it.  Then he adds, I will just be having my usual happy hour drink, then will switch to tea for the rest of the evening.  This is what floored me.

He sees his drinking as being of no concern, much like the attitutes towards tobacco use back in the 50s and 60s.  Like a smoker he does not see, or care about, the potential long term effects of the use of alcohol. 

He does not see his weight gain and constant fatigue as being due to his use of alcohol.  He does not remember his memory laspes (guess he wouldn't) and how he treats me during them.  He does not believe me when I say he verbally assulted me when he was drunk.  He does not think that he gets drunk because he does not get hangovers.  He attributes our "not getting along" to both of us being "under stress".  His short temper and violent outbursts are because "I don't listen to him".  He can't understand why I have a problem with this alcohol consumption.

Well Dear, you may percieve that alcohol is not affecting you in any way, but it is.  It is affecting you physically and mentally.  It is affecting how you act towards me.  It is affecting me.  I can not change you.  I have told you that I think you drink too much.  In the future I am going to tell you more often how you actions hurt me, I will no longer hold it in or brush it under the table.  (okay, this is where I need the courage to actually act). 

Many years ago, an recovering alcoholic told me that it is only when a drunk hits his own bottom he realizes that he has a problem and can get the courage/strength to make a change.  Dear, I know you have not hit that bottom yet, and you may never hit it.  We have been married 20 years and have hopes and dreams for our retirement together.  I have not yet given up on them.  One thing you pride yourself on is always preparing for the worse case scenario, over planning trips, buying 2 spares, going through "what if" scenarios and trying to plan for all eventualities, checking the fire extinguishers and smoke detectors regularly, always making sure there is gas in the vehicles, getting the snow blower ready in late October and the lawn mower ready in early April.  All good things that I appreciated (even if sometimes it borders on OCD).  Well your example is serving me well, I am taking measures now, to be ready, so that I am able to leave you, if I need to for my own peace of mind and contentment.  I hope we never have to have that conversation, but like you, I want to be prepared for the worse case scenario.

This is sad for me but strangley peaceful.  Because in writing this post, I have reached a point where, well I am not sure...

Thank you all for being my sounding board and allowing me to express what is going on inside of me.  I now need to examine my feelings and thoughs.