Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
3 or 4 days ago, he went on a binge, the first one in a year-and-a-half. There was a lot of arguing, crying, and we literally talked for almost 24 straight hours. I'm exhausted - pyysically, mentally, just exhausted. I was just started to feel a little bit recovered from this 24-hour talking marathon, and from the shock of him drinking again, when, a few days after all that, we had another fight, one that lasted 5 hours, and just ended.
Here is what the fight was about: I have a Facebook account, and I posted on it about what was going. I was not mean, I did not call him names, I didn't vent, I calmly posted about how incredibly hard I was finding all of this. He did not see this, because I currently have him on a resticted list, so that he can't see my posts. I forgot about his family. Then, when I did remember them, I did not think they would have a problem with it, because they know everything about him, all his addictions, everything.
I was wrong. His step-mother and father saw it, and got mad at me. I do not think they have the right to be mad at me. I think they are being unreasonable. It is my facebook page, and I will post what I think is appropriate. And I am very carefull to only post what I think is appropriate. It is not as though I were on there, yelling, calling him names, etc. In fact, the focus was not even on him, it was on me, how hard it is for me, etc.
I can understand them not liking it being posted on Facebook. I am not saying they have to like it. But they are taking it further than that, they are mad at me, and said that what I did is "something they would not wish on their worst enemy". Okay, they are blowing it WAY out of proportion.
Even more frustrating, they are not mad at him. Every time he messes up, they just say they love him, they bail him out, they have paid his debts off, etc. I think they are enabling him. He is 41 and they are acting like he's a kid.
Okay, fine, I hardly ever see his family, and to be honest, I don't care if they think I did something wrong. What bugs me is that now we have yet another problem. Is there no end to them?? Frankly, I'm not going to deal with them right now. I don't care, and I have enough stress. They are not my family, they've barley ever spoken to me, and they've never bothered to acknowledge the role I played in their son's life, standing by him for years while he got straight.
So, my concern isn't really their opinion, because it does not matter to me. But what really got to me was when he totally defended them. I understand that he has the right to defend whoever he wants, but it really really REALLY bugs me because I think they crossed the line, and now he's siding with them.
He see's his father and step mother like 2 times a year. They have no idea how hard it is for me. They are so quick to judge me, when they are the ones sitting far away, not having to deal with him, not waiting for the other shoe to drop, not dragging him out of bars, not babysitting him while he has alcohol poisioning. They do not even bother to see if from my perspective, and never ask him how I am, how this is taking it's toll on me, etc.
I deleted them from my Facebook friend's. Not out of spite, but out of fatigue. I can't deal with all of this, with his drinking, with his broken promises, and then deal with their crap too. They will probably think it's out of spite, and I don't care. I am too tried to care. I want them to leave me alone. They are not my problem. I am not living with my AH right now, so I don't have to deal with them. I am horrified by the idea that if I ever lived with him again, I would have to let these people in my life, because I don't want them in it. I have enough on my hands.
Tell me, am I being unreasonable? I don't think so. But I am open to all views, and I value your opinions. I think they had NO right to be mad at me.
Here is what the fight was about: I have a Facebook account, and I posted on it about what was going. I was not mean, I did not call him names, I didn't vent, I calmly posted about how incredibly hard I was finding all of this. He did not see this, because I currently have him on a resticted list, so that he can't see my posts. I forgot about his family. Then, when I did remember them, I did not think they would have a problem with it, because they know everything about him, all his addictions, everything.
I was wrong. His step-mother and father saw it, and got mad at me. I do not think they have the right to be mad at me. I think they are being unreasonable. It is my facebook page, and I will post what I think is appropriate. And I am very carefull to only post what I think is appropriate. It is not as though I were on there, yelling, calling him names, etc. In fact, the focus was not even on him, it was on me, how hard it is for me, etc.
I can understand them not liking it being posted on Facebook. I am not saying they have to like it. But they are taking it further than that, they are mad at me, and said that what I did is "something they would not wish on their worst enemy". Okay, they are blowing it WAY out of proportion.
Even more frustrating, they are not mad at him. Every time he messes up, they just say they love him, they bail him out, they have paid his debts off, etc. I think they are enabling him. He is 41 and they are acting like he's a kid.
Okay, fine, I hardly ever see his family, and to be honest, I don't care if they think I did something wrong. What bugs me is that now we have yet another problem. Is there no end to them?? Frankly, I'm not going to deal with them right now. I don't care, and I have enough stress. They are not my family, they've barley ever spoken to me, and they've never bothered to acknowledge the role I played in their son's life, standing by him for years while he got straight.
So, my concern isn't really their opinion, because it does not matter to me. But what really got to me was when he totally defended them. I understand that he has the right to defend whoever he wants, but it really really REALLY bugs me because I think they crossed the line, and now he's siding with them.
He see's his father and step mother like 2 times a year. They have no idea how hard it is for me. They are so quick to judge me, when they are the ones sitting far away, not having to deal with him, not waiting for the other shoe to drop, not dragging him out of bars, not babysitting him while he has alcohol poisioning. They do not even bother to see if from my perspective, and never ask him how I am, how this is taking it's toll on me, etc.
I deleted them from my Facebook friend's. Not out of spite, but out of fatigue. I can't deal with all of this, with his drinking, with his broken promises, and then deal with their crap too. They will probably think it's out of spite, and I don't care. I am too tried to care. I want them to leave me alone. They are not my problem. I am not living with my AH right now, so I don't have to deal with them. I am horrified by the idea that if I ever lived with him again, I would have to let these people in my life, because I don't want them in it. I have enough on my hands.
Tell me, am I being unreasonable? I don't think so. But I am open to all views, and I value your opinions. I think they had NO right to be mad at me.
Most likely they know you are right but they probably had some role on his alcoholism. Either by being alcoholics themselves or by being enablers themselves or combination of both. So it hits too close to them and they react. Flip side is they are his family and its just on more obstacle in this situation. One more thing you didn't need. I would suggest that you do rest of your venting in a place like hear that way if you decide to stay in the relationship it makes things easier. Make sense?
...well if they has said that, I would have been fine. I have no problem with people critisizing me. I don't expect everyone to like what I do. It's just that they're so quick to judge, and so MEAN about it, and yet they never say anything good to me. I don't think that's fair.
Good point about his family not supporting me. It probably is true in many cases. I do strongly suspect his father used to be an alcoholic, although everyone denies this. It's strange - my AH admits he is an alcoholic, he is fairly open about this, and yet, once, I suggested his father might have been, and he freaked out. Holy cow. I really have no proof that his father was, it's just that it's odd, I think, that his father, according to him, used to drink quite a bit, and then suddenly totally stopped, just, bang, stopped, and never drank again. Why would a person do that if they were not an alcoholic? Also, that would fit into his family story - his mother's parents were alcoholic, so it makes sense that his mother would have been attracted to an alcoholic.
Plus, yes, they do enable him, in my view.
I don't like them effecting what I choose to post, but, on the other hand, at the end of the day, whatever makes my life easier is best. So if it makes my life easier not to post on Facebook about it, then that's what I should do. Thank you for the advice, again, lori47. I appreciate it!
The thing is, I never said they had to like it. Of course they don't have to like it. But not liking it is one thing, and telling me what to do is another. Also, it has a lot to do with how they handled it. If they'd asked about the situation, what happened, what he did, and then come to me and said they didn't approve of or like what I did, I'd have no problem at all. But they saw it, did not bother to ask him or me a single thing about the situation, and then immediatly put all the blame on me, yelled at me, said horribly mean things to me, and made him out to be an angel, despite the fact that he was the one who had just fallen off the wagon.
So there I was, handling a really hard situation the best way I could, and getting nothing but critisizm. I think they are the inappropriate ones - not one good word to me over the years for all I have done for him, but the second they think I'm wrong, they jump on me and yell and scream.
Anyway, he said that although he was "sure" that he could "theoretically" handle being in ANY bar, he wouldn't go and risk it. Okay, on the surface that sounds like a good thing, because it sounds like he is admitting he can't handle it. But...
....but I couldn't believe he was saying that he was "sure" he could handle it! Um, he has never once in his life been able to handle it! And just about a month ago, he did break his promise to never go into bars, and went into one, blacked out, passed out, missed work, and almost lost both me and his job! Um, how is that "handling it"!!!!
I didn't yell, as that never helps. But I did point out that it was totally ridiculous that he thought he could handle it. He ended up agreeing with me, eventually. He said that he was just trying to "salvage some of his dignity" by saying that he could handle it.
Oh, man. Does this ever end? Don't get me wrong, I totally understand what he was trying to do in "salvaging his dignity", and I think it's great that he could figure out that that's what he was doing, and tell me that that's what he was doing. A couple years ago, he would not have understood his own feelings/motivations, and even if he had understood, he would not have expressed them to me (he has massively huge problems expressing himself, even to me).
So I know he did a lot of good things, and I appreciated that he was open with me, and I even told him that there's no shame at all in being an alcoholic. But he has always felt this way, I think - shame, at not being able to control himself. Way back when, he didn't even want to admit he was an alcoholic, because of the "shame" of not being able to control himself. I wonder if other alcoholics feel this shame? Maybe it's a common thing??