Kind of the opposite. I haven't slept in the same bed with my hubby for about the last 5 to 6 months because of health issues. Trouble sleeping and I didn't want to keep waking him up since he gets up early to work. But it was also an excuse for me not to have to lay in bed and smell that horrible sour alcohol smell all night long. Since my surgery 3 weeks ago, I have attempted to sleep back in our bed 4 times, and, frankly, I really have no interest in sleeping in the same bed as my AH. Since he started working in April of 2013, I can count on half a hand how many times we've had sex. I work part of the time from home and he didn't work for years. On a fairly regular basis, he would come interrupt my work day so we could have our afternoon fling while the kids were in school. During the summer when they're home, sex is almost non-existent. For the most part, in our 17 years of marriage, there hasn't been nighttime sex other than when he was sober for 8 years. Since he goes to bed at a much earlier time than I and usually pretty much drunk, there's been no sex at night for at least 4 years. But then there are people, like me, who have no sex drive. I really have no interest in sex and don't care if I ever have sex again in my life, period. Your husband may be such a person. I would rather have the companionship and intelligent conversation and participation in mutual interests with a spouse than I would to have sex. My mother and father have not slept in the same bed since I was a freshman in high school and I'm now 51, and neither of my parents are alcoholic. I would also venture a guess that my parents haven't had sex since then either - knowing my mother - who I believe has the same issue I do - no sex drive, no interest in sex.

Oh yeah sista!.... How could they be happy with their marriage when they are miserable with themselves??
I used to think.. Really?? This sucks and you are happy!? But we are the only thing keeping some normalcy in their lives and they will say or do whatever it takes (incl. telling themselves things) so they (delusionally) feel all is ok with themselves.... Then we being married to (or father to child) make excuses or minimalize or normalize the craziness they have held our belief system hostage to .

Funny.. I wish at times I could be face to face with some of you women so you can feel the intensity of the sincerity. My AH who I did an intervention to an is coming "out" on fri... Told me last week that through all his treatment and insight (which I for once am truely convinced he's obsorbed) he has put himself in my position being "held hostage by an alcoholic lunatic" (he was not abusive, yet.. insane by means of what a drinken decisions he based his life on ) and that I was...
Coasting by life, making big LIFE decisions on his words.. Not his actions. Trust me... I paid the consequences, monitarily would make anyone's head spin, but it was the emotional strain that hurt he most. And it will be the emotional strain that I will.. Learn, conquer, strive and come out of this a better person.
We are all delt shit at times of our lives...it's all about how we deal and become stronger! One wprd pf advice... once ypu ditch the rodiculous amounts of energy anx stress you have wasted on this man... promise mw you will put that all to good selfish use!! Much hugs xo

Question.. 4my4kids... Not specifically aimed at you but since you seemed to have hit the na on a point I have been dabbling with because that's what I thought of myself for the past 2 years (no sex drive).

Is it possible we have been unsexed ??? Hahah... K I know that sounds crazy and only my really equally insane girlfriends could relate but... This is the way I see it.. My drunken, lying, stinky, unproviding man.. Has made himself..well... Unsexable?? That's right... Don't feel it, would rather wash my hair and play with myself kind of man.. You are still woman!! And when you have been fulfilled you again will be sexy!!!

I most certainly don't desire sex with him..he smells..not due to lack of showers..I'm sure you know what I mean..a dirty oily smell in the evening. Plus the smell of his breath..yuck!! I feel like the "bad guy" here. How can they be so blind? It just blows my mind..I wish mine would find someone new..then maybe he would go be with her and leave me alone..I have prayed and prayed..but yet he is still here. After years of hoping he would grow tired of our life together and leave I now see that's just not going to happen. I can't even look him in the eye anymore it just turns my stomach to much. I am very angry at him..at myself..what was I thinking 14 years ago when I married him. Obviously..I wasn't thinking at least not straight. As soon as I can find a new house I can afford my son and I are gone..I'm just not looking forward to his reaction ( blindsided like I said..even though that's crap) so I'm sure he will beg and cry..tossed in with anger. I just want it over so I can provide my son with a stable happy life for once. Hugs to all going thru this type of life.

Wow ALS I wish I had your strength! The thought of my ah with another woman is heartbreaking for me. I thought my ah and I had a good sex life, but then I found out we didn't according to him. But when he came to bed after being out and eating chips (loudly I might add) and not brushing his teeth and smelling like beer he didn't understand why I would say no! But it is my fault our marriage went to hell cuz I told him no too often. Whatever...we slept in the same bed until I left. Very few times were we mad enough to sleep elsewhere. But there was no affection. He would just turn over and go to sleep. Unless he wanted something else then he would be affectionate. It is sad...

ALS - If your AH acts like everything is fine, then I envy you.

My AH became verbally, emotionally and physically abusive over the past four years. Instead of pretending to be happy, he would find some minor thing wrong and pick a fight with me about it. This happened nearly every day this past year. So, he wasn't happy, but in his sick mind, everything was my fault. For example, if one of the kids had a sporting event, and I asked him to be there, via email, text, and written note, he would call my cell phone multiple times and pretend not to know where or what time.
He would claim to have not seen my email, text, note, or voicemail. I had to keep taking his calls and answering the same questions over and over, how to get to the field, what time, etc. I had to sit on the phone and give him turn by turn directions, when I was already busy doing something else. Finally, by the third or fourth time he'd call, I might have been driving the car and unable to pick up the phone. That's where he would pick a fight - "You never answer your f***ing phone!" So in short, it was my fault he didn't come to the game, even though I did more than should reasonably be expected, to tell him how to get there while at the same time taking care of our kids.

I think around five years ago, we were still putting up the front of being a happy family, going to our kids' activities together as a family, without the drama. I'm not sure exactly what changed four years ago, but
I believe another addiction has entered the picture. The drinking has definitely increased.

We haven't occupied the same bedroom in over 10 years, for the same reasons all of you have posted.

I used to wish my AH would find someone else and leave, also. I guess I really just wanted to get him to move out of the house, and maybe have someone besides me, tell him he had a drinking problem. Maybe then he'd listen. None of his friends or family, besides me, would ever address it.

So I do believe I've been where you are today. Enjoy it, this is as good as it gets.

oh he is a big pain like your talking about..stalks me even when we are home. picks fights trys to control my every move and thought..but acts like we are a loving couple..we can have a big blow up and the next day or evena few hours later is all happy acting and calls me sweetheart. THAT drives me CRAZY..the fact that we have not had sex in years, that I do not sleep with him let alone even look at him but yet he "acts" like it's all good. I cannot wrap my mind around his denial of the situation..by normal standards we would of been a divorced couple long ago..but even though the signs of unhappiness engulf our family and home he seems to not see it..I just don't get it. I can be very hateful towards him..I just thought he would break by now and had just left but nope. My problem is my inability to be completely honest with him in words and tell him how I really feel. I am passive aggressive..but It should be real clear how I feel by my actions...he just seems to dense or drunk to see it..I guess he sees it but just doesn't want to admit it..I am his 3rd wife and I know he doesn't want to be alone.

I never really had a chance for an honest heart-to-heart with my AH about everything either. He was always either drunk, hungover, or dying for his next drink. Plus, I am afraid of him anyway. I did express that I'm afraid of him after one incident of physical abuse, but of course he downplayed that to "one isolated incident" and had an excuse ready. I just knew that talking any more wouldn't help. There's always an excuse, and it's never his fault. Also, I didn't want to tip him off that I was planning my exit.

ALS - I understand exactly what you're saying. My H seems to be getting a little better lately and trying to cut back (though hasn't quit) his drinking (we will see if it sticks). But even the past year, when he hit his peak, he picks and complains, gets drunk and sloppy, we've had a pretty sexless marriage (he'd rather drink than have sex, and when he does drink and doesn't pass out, he still can't function well), and yet he pretends like everything's honkey dorey. When I would try and talk to him about things, I was the one starting fights or.making things difficult. He refused to see.his own behavior as an issue. It's frustrating as hell.

Responding to Torontomama: My sex drive was gone before I married my AH, actually. I lost that in my early to mid-30s, and my AH and I didn't get together until I was 36. We dated for a couple years back when we were 18 - 20 and have a "difficult" sex life then because of his drinking, but since we were so young, I just chalked it up to having fun partying on the weekends, which is really the only time we spent time together. I just know it went for all men, period, before that. I used to be able to look at an attractive man and start "thinking" about what I'd like to do with him. By my mid-30s, I could look at the sexiest man on earth and have absolutely no stirrings.

I cannot talk to my AH about anything serious. If I try to talk about the household finances or our marital problems, he just gets up and walks off. If we're outside, he just walks away. OR he starts yelling at me and yells over me so he can't hear what I'm saying. The louder I get so he can hear me, the louder he yells - and then he walks away. The only time I've ever been able to get out what I want to say is when he's captive - in the car with no place to go. I want so bad to tell him I'm unhappy with this life, with the house, the heavy mortgage, the constant working to provide for the family, never spending time as a family (other than the kids and I). We never go anywhere or do anything. When he has time off, he's too busy "working" around the property (which includes drinking). It's the kids and I who go to the movies, go out to eat, go to the zoo, the museums, whatever. He doesn't go to church with us, rarely goes to the kids' events. So I pretty much feel like a single parent anyway. If I ask him to fix something around the house or to do something for me because it involves lifting or moving something heavy, he gets huffy about it, and either doesn't do it until I keep bugging him, or does it half-ass as if to say, well, I did it and if you don't like it, too bad. And yet he tells the kids that he doesn't know what I expect from him because he's giving 100% and I'm still not happy. Sounds familiar to all, I'm sure.