Stupid me for even thinking it may be different. He didn't even remember the conversation of quiting or spending the day together with our grandkids. So as usual I went alone with the kids. And he blamed me for not reminding him! So over it....

Hi DSTRICK,
There was probably part of him that was sincere when he said he wanted to quit so he could keep you. But it is as he said, he is powerless over drinking. He is telling you the truth, there. You were hopeful because this is what you have been hoping for for years. You weren't stupid for being hopeful. You were loving, and compassionate. And you are right, you cannot be there 24/7 to police him, and that would not result in a happy relationship. He would be so resentful of you in no time. If he is going to get sober, he will have to do it all for himself and by himself. The best people to help addicts is fellow addicts who are in recovery. Until he is ready to accept that kind of help, like with AA or a treatment facility, he won't be able to do more than one or two days without drinking. One clue in your initial post, he said he would quit drinking "tomorrow." Tomorrow never ever comes for an addict. If he had said, "I'm putting it down right now. I am in the process of pouring it all down the drain," there might have been a glimmer of hope.

Someone told me that drinking is like air to them, they feel they cannot live without it. Imagine if someone told you that to save one of your children that you had to hold your breath forever. You would try for as long as you could hold out, but eventually you would need to breathe. I think quitting seems like that for them. I'm really sad for them, but we can't save them.

Going alone to see your grandkids is not the worst thing to happen. I grew up with both sets of grandparents divorced, so we only ever visited one grandparent at a time, and as a child, that didn't bother us. It's best that he didn't go with you, if he was drunk. You might want to discuss this with your kids, about whether or not they want a drunk grandpa around their children. One of my kids told me that they didn't want my AH coming to performances in the evenings if he has been drinking (which is every night). So I respect that kid and run interference and tell my AH he is not invited. It's not a pleasant thing to have to do, but our kids deserve to have their feelings respected.

I'm so sorry. You hoped, and having hope is not a bad thing. It's admirable. Sending hugs.

Thank u Invisibleme, deep down I know he doesn't want to be like this. What bothers me so much is he grew up with AH father that died when he was 15 due to Alcohol. I don't understand how he knows what it does to a child and ur loved ones but he still does it. My kids bearly had him sober growing up and they didn't have a grandfather. My father passed away also when I was a teen. Now our grandkids have to suffer and 2 of them live with us. Breaks my heart for them! No my kids don't want him around while he's drinking which is anytime he's not working. They don't have any type of relationship with him. I'm so exhausted trying to hold our family together. And also exhausted trying to satisfy him. I know I've made things so easy for him over the years covering for him, cleaning after him and pretending things didn't happen that he did while drunk and of course he'd forgot when sober! I want to quit being that person for him but when he does wake up sober, The man I married he makes me feel bad. Should I continue knowing it's not going to make a difference??? Oh the people that don't understand why I'm still here. And then theirs the people who wouldn't understand why I left because they have no clue of what I go through one a daily....

dstrick, you are strong. You do not need to decide any more than what you need right now...right now you know he is not well and he will drain your energy so right now, stay away. Tomorrow....wait til tomorrow for that ....you are kind and good. Your ah is not well. Take care of you.

Thank u kate1234!

Is it wrong to be angry and just want them buried feet under sometimes?? I hear the same thing over and over...today is going to be a good day I won't drink at all.. I know what you feel and I think sometimes we are definitely better off having them away from us and letting them maybe hit rock bottom I know it's tough because..it's hard to imagine our mates our children's father's being lost..but when they are draining us and our spirit?? I feel I've aged like 10 years and I feel stressed blood pressure up..never had this before.. I don't know what to do..either.

Complete anger. I try to go to church and be a good person but he brings out the worst in me at times. I've tried so hard to avoid confrontation, avoiding text messages, avoiding any type of conversation because I know how things turn out. He doesn't remember anything so it makes it harder.because he will arque up n down that he's right about something. And I end up yelling and using language that I don't wanna use. While he sits their listening with this smug look on his face because he broke me! I can't take back or forget what I said. He always forgets.... He left last night for over an hour it was so peaceful until I received the email the one telling me how he sacrificed so much to give to me! I wanted so bad to respond but I didn't. Later he tried to touch me and I moved his hand. I then get the You. Don't appreciate anything I do! Yes I appreciate everything he does but what about what I do? What I sacrifice? God give me strength to be the better person!

I'm sorry, DSTRICK. We are in impossible situations, living with these alcoholics. How do they expect us to want them to touch us when they belittle us, drunkenly slobber on us, look and sound like complete idiots half of the time, and then get this smug satisfaction when they hurt us? I mean really, where is the attractiveness in that? Their addiction blinds them to how they hurt us. Meanwhile, we replay every word we said and feel guilt over having a reaction to their mean and resentful behavior.

I suspect that when he touched you, he knew that you would not respond favorably, and he used that moment to tell himself "see, I have to drink because she is such a witch." Their addiction causes them to create these little scenarios to justify more drinking. And then he followed it up with laying on the guilt. He is miserable, and he wants to spread his misery all around. And you know what? When we respond in anger, we do feel the heat of their misery. His life is so incredibly low, he is trying to drag you into the pit with him.

Focus on you and your joy. His world is small and pitiful. You don't want to be dragged into that. You are a wonderful human being. You are a child of God. Your mind hasn't been taken over by a substance, so you are free to love and be loved. I think that eventually we come to only feel pity and compassion for the A's, and realize that we have to let them go. Sending hugs to you!

invisibleme thank you! It's hard to determined what my feeling are. I can't stand him drunk but the little time I have with him sober makes me feel so bad for the man that I fell in love with. I know its all mind games with alcoholics. He's angry and i'm the only one that he can take the anger out on. I wish I was as cold hearted as he thinks that I am! If so we wouldn't be in this situation. It would be nice to have one day to express how I feel and him to listen and understand.

The day will come, when you are done giving him chances and believing that someday they will be better. He will say that you don't deserve this kind of life and you will agree with him. Then things will come pouring out. It usually isn't planned, it just happens. Or maybe you will get so fed up and have bottled it up for so long, that you will tell him how things are and that you are done living this way. Once I got to tell him how unhappy I had been and that someday I will move on and want a divorce, that there will never be anything he can do to fix all that he has messed up, I felt scared, but set free from the burden that I had carried around for too long. Of course, since I am still here, 11 months later, he probably thinks there might still be a chance, and really doesn't remember most of what I said, since he was drunk that night. But I said what I needed to. It will all fall into place at the right time.

thank you, i'm sure it will come out sooner or later. It gets harder and harder every day to hold back my feelings.