Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Hello Everyone.
Please bear with me for this long post.
I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Liz, and my husband is an alcoholic. We are currently in a state of crisis in our house--my father-in-law died a week ago, and in the chaos that followed my husband was revealed to have relapsed after two years of sobriety. So things are quite literally a mess. We are both grieving, plus for me an extra dose of misery.
My husband has has been a serious drunk for 35 years. (We are 55 and 56; met in college). Many rehabs, detoxs, hospital stays, DUIs, jail, many, many jobs lost in a blaze of shame, many, many AA and Al-Anon meetings. The breakthrough came (I thought) about two years ago when he was in jeopardy of losing a job he really liked, and his doctor and I managed to talk him into taking Antabuse, with me watching him take it every night at dinner. He did beautifully; made progress at work and was well-liked and respected. I thought, "the fact that he would take this medicine shows he really wants to be sober--he really does want to live a good life--he really doesn't want to lose me, etc."
Turns out he recently started tricking me into thinking he had taken the pill and was palming them or otherwise making them "disappear." You would think after all these years I would have be an old hand at the feelings of betrayal, abandonment and loss that come with a relapse, but this time I am REELING and feeling almost suicidal. The fact that he would do that, while smiling in my face and pretending everything was alright has shattered me. I don't know where to turn.
Neither one of us are religious and we both found AA and Al-Anon to be unhelpful because of that. I am completely alone. My life with him-- and profound anxiety and shyness of my own-- has kept me completely isolated--I have no friends, no family, no support at all. We have absolutely no money, and I have nowhere to escape. I don't work. I am lost.
I googled "forum for wives of alcoholics" and found this forum. I just need to reach out to someone--anyone... for support. I am crying as I sit here typing.
I feel better having written this. May we all find peace from this horrible, horrible thing.
Thank you.
Please bear with me for this long post.
I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Liz, and my husband is an alcoholic. We are currently in a state of crisis in our house--my father-in-law died a week ago, and in the chaos that followed my husband was revealed to have relapsed after two years of sobriety. So things are quite literally a mess. We are both grieving, plus for me an extra dose of misery.
My husband has has been a serious drunk for 35 years. (We are 55 and 56; met in college). Many rehabs, detoxs, hospital stays, DUIs, jail, many, many jobs lost in a blaze of shame, many, many AA and Al-Anon meetings. The breakthrough came (I thought) about two years ago when he was in jeopardy of losing a job he really liked, and his doctor and I managed to talk him into taking Antabuse, with me watching him take it every night at dinner. He did beautifully; made progress at work and was well-liked and respected. I thought, "the fact that he would take this medicine shows he really wants to be sober--he really does want to live a good life--he really doesn't want to lose me, etc."
Turns out he recently started tricking me into thinking he had taken the pill and was palming them or otherwise making them "disappear." You would think after all these years I would have be an old hand at the feelings of betrayal, abandonment and loss that come with a relapse, but this time I am REELING and feeling almost suicidal. The fact that he would do that, while smiling in my face and pretending everything was alright has shattered me. I don't know where to turn.
Neither one of us are religious and we both found AA and Al-Anon to be unhelpful because of that. I am completely alone. My life with him-- and profound anxiety and shyness of my own-- has kept me completely isolated--I have no friends, no family, no support at all. We have absolutely no money, and I have nowhere to escape. I don't work. I am lost.
I googled "forum for wives of alcoholics" and found this forum. I just need to reach out to someone--anyone... for support. I am crying as I sit here typing.
I feel better having written this. May we all find peace from this horrible, horrible thing.
Thank you.
All I can suggest that is you try to calmly talk with him about stopping drinking again and not because of what it does to you but because what it does to him. Has he ever expressed why you drinks? Typically they have low self esteem and feel they don't deserve their spouses so it seems like they sabatoge the relationship.
Another thing I suggest is that separate from his drinking, you work on yourself. I am 4 1/2 years post split from my EXAH (ex alcoholic husband) and I would love to tell you I am healed but I'm still coming to grips with how profoundly his disease has become my disease as a codependent. I never realized how addicted I was to my ex. When I try the no contact, my anxiety goes up and up and up. Depression sets in. My self esteem plummets. With that said, I have worked a lot on myself. I have developed great friendships and they are the key to my survival. I was with my ex 27 years and honestly haven't broken free from him in 4 1/2 years though getting further and further away from him emotionally. I haven't had another relationship since my split and tried reconciling with him several times even though I know its bad for me and yep...it was extremely bad for me.
So what I am saying is that it is very important for you to work on yourself. If you don't then you are not enjoying life as you should. Let him see you becoming less emotionally dependent on him. Maybe that will wake him up. Because he won't stop drinking for you. He has to stop drinking for himself.
For me, going to a therapist has been a lifesaver, a person I can tell all my insecurities and not be judged but given support and tools for dealing with my depression, anxiety, helplessness, fear, and mostly anger. I have been married 31 years, separated for 18 months and he still hasn't chosen to seek sobriety even though he knows it's the only way to get me back. He expects that to be a guarantee and I won't give that to him till I see what it would be like. He tells me he loves me and would do anything for me - but his continued drinking tells me otherwise. Anyway, every AH (Alcoholic Husband) is different depending on the varying factors.
You must, like lori says, work on you, there are many ways to do it. Al-Anon, therapy, journaling, this forum, blogs, (search the web - lots of information is out there). I know how hard it is to put yourself out there when married to an alcoholic, all the potential questions and embarrassing moments. Just remember it is NOT a reflection of you only he has the right to that. Try stepping outside your comfort zone and try to get involved somewhere, maybe event volunteering at a library, hospital, school, or even an animal rescue. It's a great way to meet people in a non-threatening way. Could lead to friends and even employment! I've opened up to several people and they have been a huge support for me.
Take care,
Ginny
What I worry about is you. If this is making you feel suicidal, then you need to call a suicide hotline and make an appt with a therapist specializing in addictions and codependency. It will help you remove some of the pressure that is all on your shoulders.
please take care of you. You ARE important!
Tight hugs friend
I was at a very low point when I posted, and over the last two or three days have done some serious thinking and walking (which clears my head.) I called my doctor and got a list of counselors and will make an appointment with the one I liked soon. I also have located a group called "Center for New Directions" here in Columbus who help women in circumstances like mine get their life together, find employment and if necessary, housing. I also plan to return to the Al-Anon group that I attended before.
I am feeling stronger, and today actually started to accept the idea of a life by myself. I know there are many brave women who can find a way to live peacefully with their alcoholic, but I cannot-- mine gets verbally aggressive, sarcastic and obnoxious (not physically abusive, thank god)-- and I have a bad temper. I'm realizing that divorce may be the only way.
It's been a long road, and with my isolation and reclusiveness, his actions have taken on way way too much influence over me. I am way out of touch with reality, I think. I need to get a job, and have my own financial (and hopefully social) independence and then, if I want to, I'll investigate divorce.
Thank you so much; and sorry about me rambling on. It's been a relief to say these things. I didn't mean to alarm anyone and I apologize for that. This is a nice forum and I'll come back and update, and read other threads and see if I can contribute at all.
hugs right back at you :D
K
We all have to do what is right fur us. What is good for o be may not be better for the other.
We all have our breaking point so please don't punish yourself for choosing life.