Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Hi all. This is my first post in this forum. My long term
boyfriend is an alcoholic and had his second relapse last night
bit of a background. He worked as a bartender up til two months ago. He drank at all times of the day because he would start twitching otherwise. It was a problem that has been going on for years before I came into the picture. Anyway, he got trashed at work and fell and hit his head and obtained a brain bleed/injury. He was fired and stayed with me these last two months and has been great and clean and running and eating healthy.....he went back home two days ago to attend three new job interviews (one of them a bartending position wtf) and last night I caught him drinking. I know this because of how he was talking on the phone.
Anyway. I need help dealing with his relapses. I'm ready to give him an ultimatum because he doesn't believe he needs AA or therapy of any kind. I want to stay with him no matter what, but he needs to know enough is enough . I'm hurt and he won't listen. Any advice? Anything? Thank you....
if you want more details just ask, I'm at work and desperate for help or advice of any kind so I revived this account right before I clocked in lol. Ugh.
I'm so sorry. This must be painful for you to witness. You would think that having had a brain bleed that he'd want to change. It's really easy to get sucked into their dramas.
From what I've seen, there's nothing you can do to make him stay sober. He has to want that on his own, from within. Giving up alcohol, for an alcoholic is like giving up air, for you or me. Most alcoholics don't know how to deal with life's ups and downs, without alcohol, and the process of learning this is so hard, many just can't make it.
If he doesn't believe he needs AA or therapy, he's probably still in some level of denial. Ultimatums usually only work in the short term, because an ultimatum doesn't come from within for the A. There is something called a boundary, though. A boundary is for you, what you will and will not accept from the people around you, and what you intend to do when the alcoholic is drinking or exhibiting any negative behavior. Things like, if he's drinking, you'll leave the house and go do something else. It's crazy-making being around an active alcoholic. Time away from an active alcoholic can give you clarity on what you want for your life.
That doesn't mean that you can't do something for yourself. Coming here is a good start. Here, you can vent, learn and have support. Have you thought about going to alanon meetings? Alanon is for people affected by alcoholism. And read, read, read all you can about alcoholism. The book Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie is a good start. Also, Getting Them Sober, by Toby Rice Drew.
I'm making a lot of changes in my own life, to live more authentically, and more emotionally healthy. There's this hope I have, that when my AH can see my life improve vastly, maybe he'll want to make changes, too. But if he doesn't, my life is beginning to improve, already.
For now, take really good care of yourself. Give yourself space to think about how you want the rest of your life to play out. If he never, ever gets sober, do you want to be partnered with someone who really can't be there for you, or worse, tears you down. Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse, not better, unless the A works on himself and gets sober. My AH has gotten meaner and nastier over the years. And he's incapable of being someone I can lean on, ever. I don't have a partner, I have an additional child, a belligerent one, who will never grow up. Being married to an alcoholic is a sad life. I'm sorry I can't be more upbeat about staying with an A. As hard as it sounds, you can leave, and love him from a distance, and let go. Loving someone doesn't mean that we have to stay in their toxic mess.
Keep posting, here. You'll get loads of support, as well as a peek into what marriage to an active alcoholic is like. Sending big hugs.
With each child, he drank more. The responsibilities were too much for him. I've been with my AH for 18 years and things haven't gotten much better. He gets better at his games and trying to hide how much he has drank, but that is it.
I realized that I never really knew the real man, because he has always been an alcoholic, since before we met. I feel like you really can't build a normal, loving relationship with an alcoholic, because they are always someone else. They also are having a love affair with their alcohol. It is always coming first.
It sound like he is at the stage of alcohol dependency. Which means that he drinks to not have withdrawal symptoms. They need the alcohol to function. At this point, there is no room for you. Especially, since he is in denial of how bad things are, he may never change. For your sanity and safety, the best thing is try to get out of this toxic relationship, seek therapy and move on to a better, happier life for yourself.
Prayers for strength and peace of mind some day.