Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Well the past few weeks with my AH have been bad. He’s been drinking non stop and can’t seem to get back on the wagon. He’s been becoming more and more resentful towards me. I try to make plans with him and the kids and he bails last minute says he’s tired and we’re constantly moving. So we go without him only to return with him drunk each time. Not surprised, but sad. I read a message to a friend where he wrote he wasn’t happy in our marriage. I felt devastated and of course hurt. I’ve tried for almost 20 years now to try and help him through his struggles of addiction. I haven’t been happy at times and living with an AH can have a toll on me and the family, but I’ve stuck through it. Now he gets to be the one to say this. I asked him if things were ok when he came home drunk, he had left without a word and never came home until bedtime tonight. He said no and I asked if he was ok didn’t seem like he was. He said he’s not happy. I told him I see that and realized he hasn’t been happy at home or present for our kids. He said he’s always present (lie) and he’s be much happier being present for the kids without me. So IDK what to do. I told him we’d talk about it in the morning. I know he’s drinking but he seems to talk about this sober too. I know he’s not himself because he’s become an angry AH when he hasn’t had his drink but how can we continue this way anyway. I’m so hurt and depressed. I can’t afford to do things on my own financially. Just more stress added to my plate. I can’t do this anymore!!! Alcohol sucks...my life is not where I want it to be. The only thing I’m sure of is my love for my awesome kids. I don’t know how they continue to be so amazing.
What I've found is that my AH is not capable of having a meaningful discussion, even when the alcohol has pretty much worn off. In those moments, he's feeling stressed because he doesn't have alcohol in his system. I've heard that it takes months of sobriety before an alcoholic feels level-headed. And even then, it takes years for all of the lost maturity to catch up. So I wouldn't take what he says to heart, if I were you. Right now, your AH has messed up his own life, but he lacks insight to see that this is his own doing. You're the one who has hung in there, because you are the more emotionally healthy partner.
It just doesn't seem fair that we're the ones picking up all of the pieces and they get to just go on creating more problems. Do you have family nearby where you could take the kids for a while, even just a week or two? It could give your a breather while you figure out what to do next.
If this helps, my AH also told a friend that he was leaving me. This was 4 years ago. I think this sort of statement is par for the course for someone who cannot assume responsibility for their own health, well-being, and happiness. Blaming is so much easier and gives them a "reason" for the next drink.
Faith, I am so sorry for what you are feeling right now. I didn't want you to feel alone in this. Somehow, you will survive. Start doing things for yourself and for your future, whether or not he chooses to be a part of it. We've not been given any other choice. We can create better lives for ourselves, one small step at a time. And who knows, the alcoholics may see us taking healthy steps forward and decide they want the same for themselves.
Sending hugs.
I feel like we’re coming to an end in our relationship. I’m terrified, because as sad as this sounds this chaos is all I know. I don’t have friends because I’ve pushed everyone away to keep our secret. I can’t stay with family because it will create more questions and drama for me. If anything I’d love to escape into the mountains to camp.
Thank you for giving me some clarity. I hope things with you are better then they’ve been. Hugs!
*Loving the Alcoholic in your Life
*Coping with an Alcoholic Spouse
Wishing you all peace, love and happiness❣️