Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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Marto 02/03/2017

Hi, im new, and im really looking for tangible advice. Not a pitty party.

My hubby just finished 6 weeks of inpatient alcohol rehab. He did brilliantly. We spoke several times/ day, i visited with our 2yo most days, he was diligent with the classes and all of the other patients i met told me how he was helping to save them. For me this was so reassuring- my beautiful, fun loving hubby was back... and the horrid alcohol was gone. Yay.

He hasnt even been home 1 week and im totally lost.

He has stopped exercising (in rehab he was up b4 everyone else and out running and exercising), is eating shit food (in rehab he complained about how unhealthy the options were), and is completely unengaged with us as a family. He doesnt smile much, he has a negative attitude and isnt nice to be around. He sleeps for 10+ hours per day (all mums would know that that can be about double what we get).

I take the time to calmy try to explain how he is acting. He says it's the emotions coming out coz now he isnt drinking. I dont get it. I thought he would be bursting with happiness and anticipation of the opportunity for us to rebuild our lives. I thought he would want us, not want to leave our sides, want to help me and learn how to be a proper father and get stuck into developing great new habits within our houshold and go to AA regularly. But no. None of this has happened. He has no awareness of what help is needed at home, and doesnt want to do things as a family. We argue alot as a result. And im getting so angry.

Im ever so sad, hurt and lonely around him and inside our house. I have friends, i have a great home business and i feel appreciated, fulfilled and loved amoungst my family and friends- im happy within my self (mostly), but he is litterally sucking the life out of me during a time we were both looking so forward too 1 week ago.

Can anyone shed some light on what these 1st few weeks post rehab r like? Do i move out for a while so he can find his space? Do i just shut down to it all and cross my fingers that he finds his way. How long is reasonable until i can say ive had enough?

I am 99% certain that he will be successfully sober for a very long time. He is acheiving that remarkably at present.

Im not the type of person who will be able to live like this forever- i have so much energy and goodness to give to those who are willing to receive it.

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bluesprite72 02/03/2017

Some alcoholics become a dry drunk when they are sober. If he isn't continuing with any kind of therapy and a support group on a regular basis after becoming sober, he will continue to act this way. If he went through treatment and it wasn't 100% for himself to heal, he will be angry and resentful for having to try and live without his coping mechanism.

It would in reality, take him awhile to adjust to want and learning how to be a healthy, functioning adult and how to feel and handle emotions and stressful situation without the use of alcohol. Step back and don't hound him for awhile. See how he reacts. But, in a few weeks maybe less, you need to calmly try and tell him what is needed for the marriage to continue and to work well. If he wants to still be all about himself and do nothing for your marriage or the family, but be angry and resentful all the time and not seek some form of therapy, then you should move on. You cannot make want to do any of this. So, if he chooses to not do anything to improve the situation, then he is choosing to loose his family.

Marto 02/03/2017

Thanks. This is definitely reassuring.

Do u have any idea about the side fx of medications? Im also wondering if the anxiety med is dulling his energy/ happiness/ spirit. I cant work out if he indifferent to our family or maybe its the meds.

bluesprite72 02/04/2017

Having to fully experience and be faced with his emotions is a whole new experience for him, that he isn't used to. It is very difficult for some people to have to live and survive the everyday life, sober, with no way to filter things out and run away from it, when that is how they got used to living life for so long. He also may be having a hard time wanting to be responsible for people and things that yet again, he had trained himself not to face or deal with. Basically, he is having a hard time being faced with needing to be an adult. It is possible that the meds might not be a good fit for him and he may need to try another type of anxiety med. But, it may be too, that he isn't adjusting to being sober. It isn't like he thought it would be and he is probably feeling disappointed with how reality is as apposed to how he thought they would be, when he became sober. I think that when someone has been an addict for so long and that was the only way they dealt with life, that they don't know what reality really is. Their reality was always distorted by the drinking and it alter the way they thought and the brain patterns. It is like a prisoner who has been in jail most of their lives, when set free into society, don't know how to function like the rest of us who have been living this way our whole lives. They need a therapist or a trained professional to help them with transition into normal life and living a new reality. If he really wants the family to be saved and the marriage, he really needs a therapist to help him through this transition time. If not, he may not be healthy to continue a relationship with. Because life as you know, is hard enough, but to have to be a mother to a grown man, makes it 10-20 times harder. Trust me, I have been a mother to my husband for far too long.

hopefulmum 02/04/2017

My husband is 18 months sober following in 30 days inpatient. It took me 4 years and a hiring professional interventionist to get through to him. He was a successful workaholic executive and functioning alcoholic in serious denial...tried repeatedly to stop the drinking on his own. Eventually, job loss gave me the crisis to get through. He spent months on the sofa reading books after rehab. I was told by the professionals that PAWS (post addiction withdrawal syndrome) can last over 12 months. This is a serious disease and the brain needs time to recover. If your husband is working his recovery program...going to meetings, seeing a therapist, working with a sponsor...he will get better (slowly), but it takes determination and he can't do it alone. If he is not doing the work...risk of relapse is high. You need to take care of yourself. Hope is a beautiful thing, but don't let it keep you living on a roller coaster. They mean the promises, but are unable to deliver. I have 4 children who got caught up in this nightmare...they were 9, 11, 13, 15 before he dealt with this. I thought the worst thing in the world would be to break up their family and tried everything to beat the alcohol before they found out Daddy was an alcoholic. Actually, worst thing was for them to live in dysfunctional situation for years with Mommy starting to hate Daddy. If he won't work a program...save yourself and your baby.

Jen77 02/05/2017

My AH never went into a rehab program. He's been sober (this time) for about 2.5 months. I'm sure the success your AH was having in his rehab program was due, in part, to the fact that he was with like minded individuals who were on a similar journey. The group gave him a support system he probably didn't realize he needed to hold him accountable. AA has been the support system for my AH. They are there to offer support and acceptance, and it helps my husband to see that he's not alone in his struggle. I think for your husband's success, he needs to find a group he can join as a checkpoint in his recovery.

That aside, I understand your frustrations. When my AH got on a sober path, his daily routines changed. Suddenly now he's coming to bed early and invading my nightly routines. He's sleeping more too. And now I'm even more annoyed when I'm buzzing around the house playing Suzy homemaker whilst he's busy playing games on his phone all the damn time. I guess the reason this annoys me now, when I tolerated it before, is because now he's sober lazy and not drunk lazy. Now he has a choice in his behavior. But I keep thinking "baby steps". I'd still take this over the drunk version, and sobriety doesn't happen overnight. Behaviors are so difficult to change, and his mindset needs to be relearned. I'm hopeful our marriage will continue to evolve. I just have to be patient and continue to hope for the best.

Marto 02/05/2017

Thankyou bluesprite72, hopefulmum and jen77.
This is the type of stuff i needed to hear and understand.

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