He wanted to come home. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that yet. He asked if he could come by and talk to the boys and I said that was fine and that I needed to have a serious talk with him too.

I prepped the boys with what was about to happen. Tried to tell them I had hoped he wouldn't give them a guilt trip, I didn't know if he would or wouldn't, but if while listening to what he had to say they started to feel a little guilty, as if they had something to do with his being gone, what causes him to drink, anything that feels remotely like guilt, to just block what he is saying because it would not be the truth he is speaking. They understood (they are all teens, the youngest 16). My youngest responded by saying he really didn't want to hear what his dad had to say. I told him I know it isn't comfortable, but we were going to hear him out and ignore whatever we have to ignore.

He had all the boys sit in the living room with him and I sat with them. The two youngest wouldn't even look at him while he spoke, but they stayed and listened. My heart broke for them. He apologized in every possible way a person can apologize. He told the boys he was sorry they've had to grow up in a home under an alcoholic father. Sorry that they've had to witness the way he treated and talked to me, their mother, and that it is unacceptable even if he doesn't always remember it all -- its no excuse. He said he prayed that they didn't follow in his footsteps, that it is no life, only a life of misery and hurting those you love most. He apologized for embarrassing them at their ballgames, in front of friends, girlfriends, etc, and promised that if he drank show would not show up at their events or be around them (I hope while drunk he can remember this and follow thru should he drink again). He told them to not be angry at me, to not be disrespectful as he has been, and to love me through the trying time he has put me through. He told them he loves them, hugged them and let them go upstairs. It was so heart breaking. He sat and cried.

Now our talk, in a nutshell. I told him I need to protect myself from the possibility something awful could happen due to his drinking and driving. In a way, politely, he poo pooed that idea that something could possible happen while driving drunk, as if he isn't like other drunks when he drives. Ok. Whatever. I'm not living in disneyland. I know that it's only by the grace of God that something tragic hasn't happened. I told him I had spoken to a lawyer about a legal separation to protect myself. That we would still be married but it would give us time apart; that if he could stay sober working a sober program, we could start dating again and work on our marriage, but not without significant sobriety. I told him I need 8mo to a year of clean living and working his sobriety program. We are making arrangements. He wants me and the boys to stay in our home and he will live in the little house that is my grandmothers. The home needs some significant work done on it to make it livable but it will be worth it not to continue spending $$ on hotels or on an apartment. I'm glad he is calmly cooperating. I'm very thankful how last night turned out. I know it is always possible that things can change in the future though if he doesn't stay clean.

I'm drained. I slept good and had to take a nap today. I'm still tired. Its amazing how much physical drain something like this can be.