Hi. I'm new here and need to vent. My husband is a completely functioning alcoholic. He's a good husband and a good father. He financially provides and there's almost no risk of losing that (the company he works for is full of alcoholic drug addicts with unreliable behaviors). So I feel ridiculus abut how angry I am right now. I want to leave, but can't. I wake up every day thinking about leaving and starting over.

I was never a fan of drinking and I've never been comfortable with marijuana. He knew that when we met 12 years ago. I accepted that it was relatively normal to drink alcohol and smoke pot, so I could compromise on those things. I moved away from my family and friends in the USA to live in his home town in Canada. I hated his home town, but no one had ever loved me like him - he wanted marriage and kids, his family was welcoming and generous. I decided having a family was more important than where you live, and I could make happiness here. 

His daily drinking increased and I got pregnant. My child came and the marijuana smoking increased. I decided I would get a job when my son went to school full time, then make my plan to leave. At 2 my son was non-verbal and diagnosed with autism. He couldn't handle full time school. He's 8 years old now, and his behaviors are a problem at school, plus day care isn't an option for multiple reasons. I have spent the years deciding to focus on my son, so I have been unemployed for 10+ years. If my kid was neurotypical I would have left YEARS ago, but he's so destructive, the drywall in our home isn't even safe. Can I rent an apartment when I know my kid will destroy it? Maybe when he's a teenager.

I stay pleasant to my husband and he assumes he's in a happy marriage with a woman who disapproves, but doesn't argue. I've told him that alcohol and marijuana are turn offs for me, but he assumes I just have a naturally low sex drive. I reject him often. I told him I don't want him getting high in front of my son ... multiple times. He thinkings it's fine to smoke pot in front of kids. He thinks its fine to drink when he's the only adult supervising children. Drinking starts soon after his morning tea. When I go to a doctor's appointment or go out to visit "friends", he's in the backyard getting drunk and high.

My husband used to be a daily beer drinker. My parents were the same, so I didn't think anything of it. Now he drinks everything. He has an entire fridge filled with different drinks - different beers, ciders, twisted tea, gin + tonic, vodka for homemade ceasars. He drinks this stuff. Every. Day. He has two beer at work before he comes home. Then two more before he hops in the shower. Then its drinking all night until he comes in to watch evening tv with me. He stumbles through the back door from the alcohol, red eyed from the marijuana that he's growing in my backyard (he started growing it without telling me). 

Husband is satisfied with our marriage somehow, even though his friends all think I'm a rude bitch. He even jokes about how cold and unaffectionate I am. He thinks this is just my personality, like he completely forgets the girl I used to be all those years ago. So what's my problem? He pays all the bills. He maintains the yardwork. He tries his best to be a good autism dad and our son adores him. He LOVES me. He hates disappointing me, never even raises his voice. But I feel like I've wasted 10+ years of life with no family, no friends, no career, no sex drive, no comfortable home, nowhere to go - only responsibility and obligation for my son. My only purpose in life is to be a mother, and I feel like I'm failing because the major male influence in my son's life is an alcoholic pot smoking cocaine user (He only admitted to doing cocaine once when he asked me to drive him to the emergency room, but just the fact that he tried it shows me that he has awful judgement). 

I woke up yelling at the empty room because I was so angry that I've gotten myself in this position. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I'm asking for. I'm just so mad at myself.