Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
i haven’t checked in for a while. The last four months have been stressful and filled with anxiety on several levels. Ending with me getting sick ( of course ) and then a massive tooth abscess leading to having it pulled last week. Even though I’m at work and AH is home drinking so he will be nasty and defensive when I get home, I am trying to find some grace and gratitude. So here goes.... over the last months I ( we ) sold our home and downsized to a condo in a 55 and older community. I am grateful because it is the place of MY choosing, that in a very rare moment of kindness my husband decided to be generous and agreeable. I am grateful that there was enough profit from the sale so I can pay down most of our debt. My husband is terrible with money, so I am also canceling credit cards as I pay them off. We have only been in the condo for three weeks but I am completely at home there and love everything about it. I am hoping to feel less stressed about the financials over time. I am planning to retire from my school nurse job in June. I am planning to participate in the activities the community offers.
my husbands drinking has escalated since September leading to some massive arguments and negative experiences, including a trip to the ER for hubby who was in a drunken rage at the top of a ladder and of course fell. Ugh....I’m getting too old for this. The home buying, selling, purging, packing, closing etc was a nightmare, and felt worse probably to me due to the unreliable nature of my husbands drinking.
Last week I came home to a man who could barely stand and of course I choose that moment to lose my mind, escalating a bad situation to a horror story. According to this extremely drunk man I learned that I am “ batshit crazy” and he is DONE with me.....I am irresponsible....I am unreliable....I need to be picked up after.....and, best of all, he HATES MY GUTS because i cannot take criticism. Now, I know I’m not perfect...but.... this is mostly wrong. I fake make up with him just to stop the madness.
I have been in a better place of detachment. I cannot sit and center myself to meditate, I cannot go to yoga, and I don’t go out with my friends. I seem to be needing to go straight home to worry and fret. Last week, as I was driving home from work I decided to listen to some of my inspirational music and suddenly thought to myself “ I have forgotten who I am”. I will be joining a yoga studio in my new neighborhood and rejoining my meditation group. I will fake it till I make it in the codependent behavioral reacting to my drunken Prince Charming.
As I checked onto this group today and read all of your posts I wanted to respond to every one! But to all of you... THANK YOU for sharing and being here. Today I feel less angry and less alone because of you. As we enter into this holiday season know that I keep us all in my heart and prayers to find peace and serenity.
I need to work on my faking it! Lately my skin crawls when he gets close to me. I feel my anxiety levels shoot up and blow up. I just don't want him touching me! If he must be there and drinking just don't touch me....
I am proud of myself tonight because I didn’t take the bait.... he was short tempered and a bit nasty. He had cooked a meal so I sat and ate, it was actually tasty. I was unable to do some errands after work but he didn’t seem to remember he had asked me to do them anyway. I smiled ( lol gritting my teeth ) when he got icky and defensive for no reason. He kept trying to get me to react. Then he got up from the table leaving me the whole mess to clean up while he read the paper and bossed me around. I was silent and took care of the washing up.
Finally he announces he is going to “ stretch out” for a while. He will sleep until tomorrow. ( he says he went out to buy a turkey roasting pan but I don’t see it anywhere so it must be in his car with his vodka)
So I give myself a star on my behavior chart, for what ever that is worth.
NOT drinking. But that's my life. I get the blame but I'll take it along with not having drunken disgusting sex. Ew. I don't hate him but i hate the drinking, the smell, etc. being a victim of child abuse and molestation and having the memories of drunken groping doesn't help.