Being christian, has made my struggles of being married to my AH for 17 years, a mess. You read so many articles about how you should do whatever it takes to make the marriage work and be there for your AH through good and bad. I used to talk to friends at church about how unhappy I was and how I probably would need to get out someday. They would say how hard it is to be single and try and talk me out of it. Tell me that I needed to focus on the reasons I married him and what I loved about him, and go from there.

The problem with all of that, is that the struggles were there from the beginning. We never built a foundation for our relationship and marriage. The whole marriage was me trying to hold together a relationship that had never really been built. A family that was really me and my boys, with the AH affecting everything and just adding to the burden, by being an adult child.

I've had 17 years of struggles, growth, sacrificing myself for others. Trying to look at our relationship from every angle possible. Fixing things that I thought I had a part in. 15 years of parenting and all this time of being the responsible adult. I've prayed so much over the years over the different views I thought should help in our situation.

It wasn't until I really started evaluating our relationship and my true feelings, that I started to really find peace. I was actually getting farther away from God, because of the preoccupation with all that was wrong with my situation. But, when I finally admitted how I really felt, and the path that would be best for me, was I able to really start feeling close to God again. Things started unfolding in such a way, that I really didn't foresee happening, the way I used to view things.

Now, things aren't done and wrapped up completely yet, but I know that being in this relationship was a neccasary direction for the growth I needed and gained from it. But, I also know that I need to move on with my life, in a new direction, to keep growing and changing and be able to really reach a new level in life. Things were going very stagnent. I was spiralling into a deep, dark hole of an existence. I wasn't able to be the mother and person I wanted to be, because of my current situation.

But, with the hope of freedom someday, I am able to have a new hope and drive to strive to be the best person I can be. I so desperately needed that breath of new air in my life.

My AH has been gone for 4 days, staying at his moms, for a mini break from the stresses of work. The boys and I decided we wanted to stay home. It has been so peaceful and freeing. It really shows me that I will be fine someday, when we get to that point of him moving out and us getting divorced. I only wish that it was permanent. But, someday, this will be my new norm. I honestly think and feel that God is blessing our situation and wants us to be free from this toxic environment that we have all lived in for far too long.

While I know that God hates divorce, if our marriage is keeping us from a relationship with Him, we are being neglected and abused in any form and so are our children, that he does not expect us to keep ourselves and our children in that kind of environment. I feel like the devil plays a part when he makes us doubt whether to stay or go. He wants us in a constant state of confusion and suffering. This keeps us from the light of the Lord and being more Christ-like, because we get too distracted with our situation, to fully give ourselves to the Lord. When you can set yourself free from all of that baggage and have more time and energy to give to the Lord, he blesses your life in ways you never imagined it could possible be.

Take heart sisters and be blessed.