Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I am tired. I have planned to leave my AH a thousand times. Each time I get close I find myself frozen. In my head I know living with a man who treats me like a peace of dirt, calls me every disguting name in the book, all fueled by booze, is absoultely soul sucking. I used to easily pick myself up and move on. It's been 25 years of begging, pleading, hoping and arguing he would do something about his drinking. I paid for an intervention, and treatment. He takes no responsibility for his behaviour, finds absurd ways to blame me for everything that is wrong. His vodka is the love of his life. I've tried to have compassion, understand he is sick with a disease, but I'm figuratively the punching bag for his damaged thought process.
It finally hit me, is this what I want for the rest of my life? I sit in my room as I hear the vile swear words flow from his mouth. The kids had their friends over a few weeeks ago to watch the fights. He and I were cleaning the dishes. I left the room, he went downstairs and screamed "why am I here f...king doing all the dishes. I want some f...king help, I shouldn't have to ask, you pieces of sh..t." I felt so bad for my kids, in front of their friends. My sons ran upstairs to help. I told him you don't have to talk that way to ask for help. He swears back at me. Yet when he's not drinking, he's nice. His personality changes and the mean man comes out when he drinks. The nice guy isn't around very much anymore. It's been worse as AH is aware he'll be getting separation papers from me soon. When he's stressed he drinks more, when he drinks more, Mr. Mean man comes out.
You can not reason with the unreasonable. You can not have a rational conversation with a brain pickled by booze. You can not find peace in the midst of alcoholic choas. To ask any of us to do this, is insane. Yes I have been to alanon, counselling...you name it. I have read countless books on addiction. I work in health care. I am finally leaving, scared to death, house will go up for sale and we'll move. I still love him (the nice one) and I still have some hope. BUT I feel strongly that if he is ever going to change and get help it will not be while he is living with me. People change in times of crisis, when they have to. I am not banking on it, nor holding my breath. He knows what he needs to do, if he chooses. I get it's hard to give up your best friend. But this friend is killing him. It will take every ounce of strength for him to choose to do something about it. Just like it's taking every ounce of strength to leave. Today is a calm day, he's being nice. Likely tomorrow won't be. I tell myself to stay the course.This is about me and the kids (they aren't young anymore), the focus is on us, not the AH.
I read this:"fear is what stops you, courage is what keeps you going"...I wrote myself a letter, to remind myself of all the courageous things I have done. I read this letter to myself everyday. I got our 15 yr old into treatment for his addiction, alone. I not only fought for him, but I fought the so called "helping professionals" who over-medicated and mis-diagnosed him. He is doing well but it was 2 years of hell. All the time my AH told me he could fix him, all he had to do is come to work with him. I did this with the help of a few good friends and a wonderful therapist.
I sometimes give into my fear and it stops me dead in my tracks and then I start to think I should stay, especially when that nice guy comes out. But I have to tell myself I won't find peace in this choas. Even though I love my AH (I love the side of the man who is caring not the drunk), I can't continue to live in this sickness, nor can my kids. Courage and faith will get me thru this. I have to leave certainity for uncertainity. I believe there is more hope in the unknown, the unfamiliar. This is a journey, but I've been at the edge of the cliff before. I also read this: "When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, only two things can happen. He will teach you how to fly or He will catch you.
How do you find peace? What do you want for your life? Did you leave, were things better? Was it the right decision?
Blessings to all of you courageous women and know my heart goes out to all of us living with alcoholics. I hope you find peace too.
I believe that leaving an alcoholic who will not change, is for the best for all involved. If they are going to get better, it will be because they have nothing left. For you and the kids, you are set free to soar to your full potentials in life and heal from the past.
I wish you continued strength, as I know this must be the most difficult thing you've ever had to carry out. Are you seeing a counselor? A good therapist could help bolster you up, when your resolve to save yourself and kids weakens. You need to continue to see yourself, not as leaving him, but as saving yourself and kids. Your kids don't deserve to be verbally abused, either. You deserve a much calmer life. Wishing you peace and joy as you walk out of the darkness and into the light.
Sending hugs and prayers.
Iamdonetoday- your words sound like they should be coming from my mouth :( In 13 1/2 years I have attempted to leave numerous times and always let him suck me back in by being the "guy I met and fell in love with" Empty promises and I know they are and keep letting myself believe him one more time! :(
We own a business together and I think that is making it harder to just leave. Even our employees don't understand why I stay and put up with him. If it's not putting blame on me for something, it's one of them. So they are aware of his mood swings and bull in china shop attitude :(
I just can't understand why I'm still drawn to him. Our history is so so bad especially over the last few years. It has always been mental and emotional abuse with him but has turned physical the past year and he is currently on probation for assaulting me. Zero alcohol is one restriction and he completely ignores it.
I asked him to go to detox or move out and he left two days ago but we work together so I have to see him. He completely Denys he has a drinking prob and our probs are because of me starting fights with him!
I get the blame for all that's wrong and always have :(
How do u let go…
How do u walk away and not let them suck you back in?
I'm made to second guess myself constantly !
I used to believe it was me but I do know now it's all him and his addiction!
I work my butt off for us and he shows up when he feels like it Today I did just what u mentioned …I told him it was his turn to work a day in my shoes ! He hasn't stopped complaining yet !
I'm pretty much all he has left and even that doesn't set off any bells in his head that HE is pushing everyone away. His family and my family have nothing to do with him. We have no children together but have raised our 5 kids from previous marriages together. They are all over 19 now and have very little to do with him, two have zero interest. I still have contact with both families but it's hard cause I do it alone. None of this seems to bother him cause it's their fault not his of course! They have seen him in action and saw the pain I've been through. They as well as our families don't understand why I stay. Honestly I don't know why I have. How can I love someone who treats me so badly ? I've been reading a lot about it and I think the isolation has made me even more controlled by him. He's the only constant good or bad and mostly bad. It's amazing how one day they can be loving and thoughtful and the next vulgar and abusive :(
Many times I have thought " it just can't get worse than this" so I forgive and continue only to see "worse"
Owning a business together has the added stress of people's livelihoods ! And selling my half would prob be pure hell to go thru with him
But now I'm seeing that for once I need to matter.
Money isn't everything and I'm starting to job hunt and apt hunt now. I have to talk myself confident at times and I still break down and think it's easier to get back together but in my heart I know it's NOT.
Venting so helps !
Iamdonetoday- that's the question of a lifetime…how do they not see what others see? Narcissists for sure! It's all about them and their life. If I mention just one thing that bothers me about our life then his response is it's you you you. Everything is all about you grrr
My blood boils when I hear this ! Nothing is about me absolutely nothing!
What has changed since I joined this forum? He has become more nasty with me. One night he went on such a rant that if he had been in public someone would have called the cops. When I confronted him the next day and told him that he had verbally assaulted me and that I was not going to take it he looked as if I had gone off my rocker, he didn't remember... He did not believe me when I told him and said "prove it". Well I couldn't. Now my phone lives beside me with the voice recorder at the ready. I do wish he would hit me good enough to bruise, split a lip or something that would show. I would call the cops so fast and make sure it was documented. That would make things so much easier, but he knows not to cross that line as I have told him from day 1 that I will not tolerate physical violence (I did not know about mental violence back then).
When thing are good, they are good. He is not lazy and does a lot of stuff around the house. For the most part he can be nice, but I am reaching the point where I can barely tolerate being around him. We are both on pins and needles around each other. We are not being honest with each other. The only good thing when he drinks is his honest feeling about me come out. I know where he stands, he does not know where I stand, although I am sure he suspects.
I am not ready to make a move yet. He is going in for surgery next week and will have a long rehab. I still need to find that new job. When I get it the cover story will be that I am doing it so we can pay off the mortgage and not have to worry about it in retirement. In reality, it is my escape plan.