Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I'm new here and found CeeCee4's feedback to one of the posts and advice very helpful: 1) everyone has a certain level of bullshit they're prepared to put up with 2) giving up on the person with the addiction, by finally leaving, caused them to address their addiction and for her to lead a healthier life, the one she deserves.
I found that really helpful, I just haven't found my inner strength yet.
I used to think dealing with real shit makes you resilient, but it doesn't, it exhausts you, wears you down. I have been with my partner over 15 years, he always drank abit heavily socially but the last 5 or so years it's turned to daily, starting in the evenings after work and the weekends are the worst (says it's down to his job which he hates)... Like others have said, we love them sober and hate them drunk. He recognises his problem. I contacted a charity whom advised yes he is dependent, good he acknowledges his problem, get him to contact the charity or to monitor his weekly unit intake, then with their advice gradually reduce the units a tiny tiny bit each week (they said they should never stop stone cold as this could cause fits, even seizures - I was abit shocked by the last bit and OK, disappointed too, I came off the phone and thought this way will take bloody ages, do I have much support left in me, after all the crap I have experienced which has gone with the drinking.. (cue, slight anger to the charities - reduce the units quicker I thought (urrghh!!) Anyone reading this - ignore me - it has to be done safely advised by a professional. Suffice to say, he did no monitoring and I'm at my wits end. I'm going to be 37 later this year. We both want children. I feel angry in myself for having allowed (by staying with him) for me to get this age without having started a family. I wasn't ready in my early 30s but now I strangely feel so old (fertility wise). We are both independent of one another financially. Over the last few years, I've viewed flats from time to time when it's got properly bad then always let them go once I ring him in tears, desperate at the situation. Given my age, I am asked by others quite frequently when (not if I want to) will I consider starting a family. It pains me deeply every time I respond, like I don't care, or with we might not. I didn't feel the instinct as such, for some time, but in the last year or so it's almost painful to see young families around. Looking at parents taking their kids out. Mothers with babies. I'm so resentful to my partner about it, how my fertility is declining as is his with all the drinking.
I feel I could write tons and tons here about our relationship, but appreciate this is a forum. I'm writing almost pragmatically, but I'm truly sad at my situation. I guess my issue is pretty shared here: in that we see they are a good person inside, solid, reliable, trustworthy, in my case: shared values/interests/wants to start a family (thinks we can in his current condition: I said I'd never take the risk creating a life with an unwell/unhealthy person, what if the child was unwell, I'd never forgive myself- incidentally the charity said not to start a family with someone whom can be verbally abusive, they also said: which surprised me: verbal abuse is part of them already, it's just the alcohol which gives them the courage for it to come out - I'm not sure I agreed with that point...). So that's my situation. I want him to get better so badly, but equally there has been so much damage already done, I need to cultivate a healthy, peaceful, balanced life for myself. I'm shit scared and wonder most weeks about moving out. I figured this forum was a good start. I like the idea that leaving someone could finally enable someone to get their shit together.
Sending you and your partners lots of love, for as shitty as they are to us, I figure they must be in pain too (I know mine is) xx
You have a goal of wanting children. Do you really want to raise them with a father who fights this demon every day, sober or not? It's a tough way to go. We'll be married 41 years this month. It's hard for me to think that if this round of help doesn't work, I'll be leaving him, but I will. We now guardianship of our 5-1/2-y/o grandson. I have finally decided I will not raise him in an alcoholic environment. When we got him a year ago, my hubby had been sober 6 months or so... and he stayed sober for 9 more months. I thought we had this in the bag, but no. He started back into drinking. He drinks secretly, and I end up "catching" him, either by finding a bottle or figuring it out from the extra money he's spending.
It is very hard to make this decision, but I hope you make yours sooner rather than later so you can realize your dream. My husband started taking Antabuse at the suggestion of is therapist. He will become very sick if he drinks even a little bit. He knows that would be my cue to take our grandson and leave. Antabuse doesn't "cure" the alcoholic, but deters him (psychologically) while he learns how to live sober, with a therapist, meetings, or whatever method works for him. My hubby has a therapist and attends two meetings a week with an AA group that is comprised of men who need to be held accountable.
I hope you can realize you really do have the inner strength and just go for it... unless you want to live with the addiction whether it's active or not. I wish you the best!
Thank you for taking the time to acknowledge my post. It's tough, that's what I can't bear, the unknown. And you're totally right of course, I wouldn't bring a child into this at all. I know that deep down. It's just so difficult. If I moved out, it's not like I'd want to start dating, it's been a long time with someone whom I still love, it's very difficult. So many what ifs, is frightening. I really value your support and advice and you're right, it does have to happen sooner rather than later. I wish I could speak to my best friend about it, but I'm so far down the road so to speak, I couldn't face all the questions. Writing here, it's easy to say: I'll move out then I'll tell people later and that's what I plan, but jeez it's scary. It doesn't help that I suffer from lucid dreams sometimes and wonder how scared I'd be waking up to that on my own somewhere else - but I guess that's another forum! Trying to have humour here :-)
Wow, 41 years though, I salute you. I hope you had some very happy ones in there Lynne - and also, yes, now you are looking after your grandson, I hope that sort of makes it easier if your husband does relapse again, because sometimes we could just take shit forever but if we are responsible for someone, particularly a small child then they come first absolutely. I am so sorry he returned to drinking, you must have felt so so let down, frustrated and royally eff'd off. Because now it's not just his life he's ruining but yours and your grandsons. You are exceptionally strong and decisive in that you know to make change in the future if it is needed. That's helpful to know that if someone can make that change after 41 years, then I should be able to as well after 15.
I hope when your anniversary comes round, it is a good day and you do manage to celebrate it.
My mother is just a couple of years older than you. She's divorced (18 year marriage), had some relationships since and is very happy on her own currently. She recently visited her sister, your age whom is married (similar number of years as you). My uncle is a pain in the proverbial, he's not got an addition, but he listens to the TV so loud all day long everyday, he ignores his wife and she gets so resentful and suffers migraines as a result of repressing her anger. My Mum advised her, it had to change otherwise, the pollution, because that is what it is, is also affecting her on an energetic and health level. My point being, I am sure you know, the resentment, how we feel towards our partners, the anger towards the pollution in our own homes, noise, alcohol etc can manifest it's self in our bodies and cause us dis-ease, causing illness and disease. My nephew was recently 5 years old and he is a joy. His biological mother is no longer in his life but he has a nice secure family unit now, as my brother met another lady whom also has a young child, so he has a sibling too. I agree with you, he, just like your grandson deserve a healthy happy childhood.
You and I will do the right thing when we need to. You made me realise I am not as weak as I think I am, having started to look at flats. I found the looking is OK, it's the actual accepting of one which I can't quite manage just yet, but I'm sort of getting there. It's just so difficult to leave someone isn't it? I like that you didn't judge me either, supporting my future, whichever path I choose. I wish you all the very best too Lynne. If you do decide to leave, I hope you don't mind me saying, you should be very proud of the longevity of your marriage. There may have been more trials and tribulations then you bargained for, but no one except you knows just how much you put in to it and how you handled it all. There are still plenty more years left for us both, should we decide to seek companionship with someone like minded. xxx Good luck to you too. X
ps thank you for the note on Antabuse, I will do some research on it.