Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I just found this group yesterday, and although I am not the wife of an alcoholic, I hope that I am still welcome to share my story. I am feeling stuck... and I need help in getting unstuck.
I have been with my bf for over 2 years. We are both in our early 40's, never married, no kids. We had both been single for a while prior to meeting (through mutual friends), both educated (masters degrees), independently financially stable, and holding long-term positions within our respective places of employment (him 20+ years).
From our very first date, we felt a level of compatibility with each other that we hadn't felt in our previous relationships... our morals, values, goals, etc. aligned. We were raised very similarly - respect, common courtesies, manners, etc. He is trustworthy, chivalrous, generous (to a fault sometimes), loyal and dependable. I have seen these character traits in him since the day we met and they are just as strong today. His group of friends - that he's been close with for 25-30 years - are of the same character. Any one of them would give you the shirt off their back without hesitation. I have never been treated better.
In the past 2+ years, the only thing we have ever had a disagreement about is his drinking. I know he drinks too much, and I know it is a problem (about 10-12oz of scotch every night - sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more). I have voiced my concerns and fears on a few different occasions, and he has been open to listening. He does get somewhat defensive, though... and I suppose I can understand that.
Where I am stuck is this.... I've never been with someone who drinks. I drank like a fish in college, but rarely drink now. I have so many fears of what could possibly (or likely) happen in the future, that I'm so very hesitant to move the relationship forward. I feel like we are stuck and this is the best we will ever be. I hate feeling this way, and my fears of the future are starting to overshadow the happiness I share with him in the present. Currently, we live apart. He owns his house, and I am a renter. I have lived on my own for a very long time so I'm in no rush to move in with him (or anyone, for that matter). I like my space, and he understands that. He, on the other hand, has been "ready" for me to move in for almost a year now, but he doesn't pressure me.
As for the drinking, it's part of his "routine". He is a very routine person. I can tell you exactly what he does, in what order, every morning. He is flexible and accommodating in many ways, but does get a little unnerved at times when his routine is interrupted. I can't fault him for that, because I am the same way. He drinks at night, never during the day. Once in a while he'll have a gin and tonic, but he loves his scotch. Very rarely, he will have a beer or glass of wine. His friends will vouch for the fact that he will turn down an offer for a drink if it's before 9pm. He can spend the day with friends at a BBQ or ballgame and never touch a drink other than water, even when everyone else has a drink in hand. He has an extensive full bar at his house (beer, wine, liquor) - for guests... he never touches anything but the scotch, and occasionally, the gin. He doesn't hide it from me or anyone. And admittedly, he appears to drink less now than when we first met. His best friend even remarked to me once that my bf drinks less now than he used to. I've seen him get "stupid" a couple of times early on in our relationship. We talked, and I haven't seen him that way since. He didn't even have a drink at his best friend's evening wedding reception several months ago... but he still had his scotch when we got back home.
Several months ago, I noticed that he'd stopped ordering a gin and tonic with dinner... when he used to have a couple. We went away one weekend for his birthday (my treat) and he brought wine (no scotch)... "to change it up a little" he said. He knows how I feel about the scotch being our third wheel on vacations and weekends away, so I thought that showed consideration (and maybe some effort on his part?).
He has changed in positive ways regarding his drinking since we started dating, so I don't want to overlook that... but the every night thing still bothers me. I know no relationship is perfect, but as others have said - drinking aside - he is perfect for me.
I know he has trouble sleeping - and, according to his mother, has since he was young. He has very wakeful dreams and will act them out. These normally happen when he is under alot of stress or in a different environment. He remembers the dreams and that further compounds the sleep problems. He goes to bed at pretty much the same time every night - part of his "routine". So, he's drinking just before bed. I know he has tried many things - including a sleep study - to address the sleep issues. We just learned a few months ago when he had family staying at the house that his teenage niece has similar wakeful dreams. I think part of the drinking is to help him get to sleep. And it's become a habit.
He never gets mean or angry or disrespectful when he drinks. He doesn't drink and drive - although admits to having done that in his younger years (as many of us have, if we're honest). He doesn't forget things he said or did. I've only seen him "drunk" twice... and both times were in the first year of our relationship. He can tell you which times they were and admit that it was too much. But he will also admit that if you woke him up in the middle of the night, he would not be able of much help to anyone. He will even admit that it "might" be a problem.
Ok, this is long and rambling... *sigh*....
I love him with all my heart. We are truly compatible in so many ways. Being in my early 40's and having dated alot, including a couple other long-term relationships, I can say that I have never met a more genuine guy. I am stuck between leaving and staying. Either way seems a win/lose right now. I have so many reasons to stay - all the things I've been looking for in a partner in life.... but one big reason to leave. I'm a worrier. I worry about staying. I worry about leaving.
... *sigh*....
I'm stuck. =/
I have been with my bf for over 2 years. We are both in our early 40's, never married, no kids. We had both been single for a while prior to meeting (through mutual friends), both educated (masters degrees), independently financially stable, and holding long-term positions within our respective places of employment (him 20+ years).
From our very first date, we felt a level of compatibility with each other that we hadn't felt in our previous relationships... our morals, values, goals, etc. aligned. We were raised very similarly - respect, common courtesies, manners, etc. He is trustworthy, chivalrous, generous (to a fault sometimes), loyal and dependable. I have seen these character traits in him since the day we met and they are just as strong today. His group of friends - that he's been close with for 25-30 years - are of the same character. Any one of them would give you the shirt off their back without hesitation. I have never been treated better.
In the past 2+ years, the only thing we have ever had a disagreement about is his drinking. I know he drinks too much, and I know it is a problem (about 10-12oz of scotch every night - sometimes a little less, sometimes a little more). I have voiced my concerns and fears on a few different occasions, and he has been open to listening. He does get somewhat defensive, though... and I suppose I can understand that.
Where I am stuck is this.... I've never been with someone who drinks. I drank like a fish in college, but rarely drink now. I have so many fears of what could possibly (or likely) happen in the future, that I'm so very hesitant to move the relationship forward. I feel like we are stuck and this is the best we will ever be. I hate feeling this way, and my fears of the future are starting to overshadow the happiness I share with him in the present. Currently, we live apart. He owns his house, and I am a renter. I have lived on my own for a very long time so I'm in no rush to move in with him (or anyone, for that matter). I like my space, and he understands that. He, on the other hand, has been "ready" for me to move in for almost a year now, but he doesn't pressure me.
As for the drinking, it's part of his "routine". He is a very routine person. I can tell you exactly what he does, in what order, every morning. He is flexible and accommodating in many ways, but does get a little unnerved at times when his routine is interrupted. I can't fault him for that, because I am the same way. He drinks at night, never during the day. Once in a while he'll have a gin and tonic, but he loves his scotch. Very rarely, he will have a beer or glass of wine. His friends will vouch for the fact that he will turn down an offer for a drink if it's before 9pm. He can spend the day with friends at a BBQ or ballgame and never touch a drink other than water, even when everyone else has a drink in hand. He has an extensive full bar at his house (beer, wine, liquor) - for guests... he never touches anything but the scotch, and occasionally, the gin. He doesn't hide it from me or anyone. And admittedly, he appears to drink less now than when we first met. His best friend even remarked to me once that my bf drinks less now than he used to. I've seen him get "stupid" a couple of times early on in our relationship. We talked, and I haven't seen him that way since. He didn't even have a drink at his best friend's evening wedding reception several months ago... but he still had his scotch when we got back home.
Several months ago, I noticed that he'd stopped ordering a gin and tonic with dinner... when he used to have a couple. We went away one weekend for his birthday (my treat) and he brought wine (no scotch)... "to change it up a little" he said. He knows how I feel about the scotch being our third wheel on vacations and weekends away, so I thought that showed consideration (and maybe some effort on his part?).
He has changed in positive ways regarding his drinking since we started dating, so I don't want to overlook that... but the every night thing still bothers me. I know no relationship is perfect, but as others have said - drinking aside - he is perfect for me.
I know he has trouble sleeping - and, according to his mother, has since he was young. He has very wakeful dreams and will act them out. These normally happen when he is under alot of stress or in a different environment. He remembers the dreams and that further compounds the sleep problems. He goes to bed at pretty much the same time every night - part of his "routine". So, he's drinking just before bed. I know he has tried many things - including a sleep study - to address the sleep issues. We just learned a few months ago when he had family staying at the house that his teenage niece has similar wakeful dreams. I think part of the drinking is to help him get to sleep. And it's become a habit.
He never gets mean or angry or disrespectful when he drinks. He doesn't drink and drive - although admits to having done that in his younger years (as many of us have, if we're honest). He doesn't forget things he said or did. I've only seen him "drunk" twice... and both times were in the first year of our relationship. He can tell you which times they were and admit that it was too much. But he will also admit that if you woke him up in the middle of the night, he would not be able of much help to anyone. He will even admit that it "might" be a problem.
Ok, this is long and rambling... *sigh*....
I love him with all my heart. We are truly compatible in so many ways. Being in my early 40's and having dated alot, including a couple other long-term relationships, I can say that I have never met a more genuine guy. I am stuck between leaving and staying. Either way seems a win/lose right now. I have so many reasons to stay - all the things I've been looking for in a partner in life.... but one big reason to leave. I'm a worrier. I worry about staying. I worry about leaving.
... *sigh*....
I'm stuck. =/
When my AH and I first got married, it was "just" beer every night, never during the day, never before driving, etc. I thought it was under control and maybe it was, but in recent years it has escalated, and he has other addictions as well. I'm just realizing how much of his behavior comes from his alcoholism (being too controlling, too much shopping, blaming me for all his problems). You are right to be concerned now. I wish I had taken the problem more seriously when I was younger.
You may like the Empowered Recovery e-book that is recommended on some other threads. It is not just for people married to falling-down drunks. It is for anyone in an alcoholic relationship.