Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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UtahMamaBear 05/26/2017

My husband is a hard working, funny, playful, loving man who just happens to be an alcoholic which at times negates all of his positive attributes. We have a 5 year old daughter and 8 year old boy. They are my world.

My hubby will go to work every morning, albeit late, and either come home buzzed/stoned OR will proceed to getting buzzed/stoned upon his arrival home. Sadly we have had 14 years of his drunken escapades to create the rocky foundation of our marriage. His disease has sucked the joy from my body. I feel a shell of myself and the firecracker lady I used to be..... as though my main function is to protect my children from getting into the car with daddy when he's drinking or to make sure he doesn't fall asleep in their bed and pee on them or worse crush them in his drunken stupor. He isn't physically or verbally abusive however I am an abused woman. When someone you love lives with this disease it psychologically and emotionally wrecks their family members. I am feeling lonely, ashamed for bringing children into this situation, scared to stay, scared to leave. He's always very apologetic for his behavior and will tell me "you just don't understand addiction". I have told him that his addiction leaves no room for us to have connection and keeps us distant from one another but it is as if that is a small sacrifice as long as he has his booze and pot.

I guess I'm looking to this community board as a beacon in all the chaos and sadness of my life. I'm lost and without direction.

bluesprite72 05/26/2017

If is all so draining and lonely. We may not understand addiction, but they don't understand how hard it is to live with an addict. The only thing that got me through the many years of living with this, was my kids. I haven't always been the mom I wanted to be, due to loss of motivation and energy dealing with my AH. I do have many memories that I was able to make with the boys. We are really close, I taught them how to do so many kids things when they were little, I loved taking them to the park and just watch them have fun playing without a care in the world, or coloring or playing with them at home. Watching them grow and change has been the best thing. Now they are 15 and 13 and don't need me as much, so it has been harder. I've had way more time on my hands to dwell on all the bad that is my life. Not healthy I know. It is a struggle to get things done some days and others I can be superfocused and get a ton of stuff done around the house. But still have a hard time with motivation and direction in my life.
I feel like it was easier when my kids were younger and needed more of my time. I would just focus all my time and energy on them. But as they have gotten older and more self sufficient, it gives me more time to think and dwell on things. Harder to stay focused for too long on projects that need to be done.
We are here for you to help you through all of this.

umiil 05/26/2017

I am in such a similar situation. I have had to separate myself completely from my AH in order to regain my sanity. I have spent the last 2 years trying to figure out my needs/wants/and desires. I am relearning who I am after spending 14 years with this man who's addict behavior had sucked the life out of me. It was hard b/c he is a functioning addict, so it hasn't ever seemed so bad that I needed to leave. But I also didn't realize how emotionally abusive he is. I am trying to recognize when he is so I can deal with it right away and not allow it to effect me.

We have 3 kids: 3, 5 & 12... I feel you on the scared to stay scared to leave. I have just been praying for a super clear path, it is so hard to know what is the best for the kids...I feel like them having their dad in the house is important, but he definitely isn't a great role model. I just try to teach them through all the craziness. My mom just pretended like everything was perfect, and that left me very nieve, I want my kids to learn through the tuff stuff.

My AH also loves drugs. He does pot and is also on adhd meds. He has had a time of shooting up and then used Suboxone for 5 years to get off that...but then had to go to rehab to get off suboxone. It is such a draining mess. I am trying to find my joy that I lost. I am trying to figure out how to have energy when he is around so my kids don't feel that burden. Right now I pretty much ignore him, but I am starting counseling soon to maybe figure out a better way to deal. I also want to figure out what I can and cannot put up with and figure out consequences for things he does. I am very nervous to go to therapy, It hasn't helped in the past with this, but I am at my wits end. I need help finding my way back to a joyful life no matter what my AH is doing.

I just recently stumbled upon this group and it has been so wonderful having other women share their insight and experiences with me, I feel less alone in this life!

wastedtime 05/26/2017

Love, you have to demonstrate the behavior you want your children to look for in a spouse. Be their stability and that beacon of hope. My mother wasn't an alcoholic, but she was abusive. My father stayed with her out of fear that he would lose my sisters and I...and all this did was teach us that abusive tendencies are okay. She finally left on her own but now until my older sister and I were teenagers. I struggled for 15 years to form healthy relationships. This is what woke me up....when my daughter from a previous marriage said she wanted to marry someone just like my husband. My immediate silent reaction was..."Over my dead body!"

You deserve to feel love, safe, and connected. Your children deserve to witness this kind of joyful relationship. You deserve to chase and design your own beautiful, happy life...no matter what this looks like for you.

Don't shrink yourself due to fear...You are brilliant and a gift. You can do this! Love!

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