Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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Feeling Alone

sickoftrying
sickoftrying

I'm new here, and just trying to reach out to anyone who can show some compassion at all.  My boyfriend has struggled to handle his alcoholism for about two years now, because it started getting out of control.  I've suggested, and evetually begged him to try AA, insisting that I come along.  Not only to support him, and because it's important for me to be a part of his recovery, but because I need help also, which he doesn't understand.  He's finally gone to AA, and been doing it for a week.  We both work 50 hour weeks, and got hardly any time together to begin with, but now AA has consumed all of his time and attention.  The group wants him there every single day, for at least three months.  We were already so distanced because of all the nasty things that happened while he was drinking, leading up to him going to AA.  Now he's going and I feel bad for being unhappy, but I don't think any of it is fair to me.  I feel more isolated and depressed than ever, because the person I love suddenly stopped needing me, doesn't want to let me in no matter how willing I am, and has found new people to share and be intimate with, all the while completely neglecting me.  I didn't realize how lucky I was before.  Yes, maybe we were a little distanced and not totally okay, but now he's more distanced, has no time for me besides when we sleep, and has essentially replaced me, and seems genuinely happy.  Happier than I could have made him.  I feel so terrible, of course I want him to be happy, to be healthy and get better, but now I'm so much further from him, and he doesn't seem to notice or care.  I feel so alone, and depressed, all at once and out of no where.  I read a chapter of one of his books, directed to wives of alcoholics, and it literally said I can't say anything because what he's dealing with is more important than how I feel, and that I should be more enthusiastic and supportive.  I feel like not only my boyfriend, but a book is also telling me I don't matter.  Does anyone understand?  Is there something wrong with me?

bluesprite72
bluesprite72
I totally understand and no there is nothing wrong with you. I remember reading that section years ago and thinking the same thing. And to mention, that was the only section about the spouse. Nothing about how they should be towards their families. When my husband went to out-patient treatment and AA, it was the same. He never faced and dealt with all the pain he had caused for so many years, because he was "too fragile" at the time of treatment. I don't feel like anyone thinks about the spouse and what they have been through, only the "poor addict" and their struggles and emotions that they have to newly deal with. It's been about six years and he was sober for 3 years and been drinking the other 3. He has never faced the consequences or wanted to do anything to heal what he had broken. He just wanted me to forget the past and start fresh, when he had taken alcohol out of the picture. Now, I am done emotionally and want nothing to do with him and want him out of the picture.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. You do matter! If he cannot man up and show that, then he cannot expect you to always be there.