Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I don’t know what to do anymore... we went over to our friends’ house last night and he got high/drunk again. I have decided that whenever he gets this way, I am not engaging with him. Even when he gets sober. I stay distant. I am no longer going to act like everything is okay the next morning.
He used to respond to this. Now, he just ignores it and expects it to blow over. Tonight, he goes “why are you still holding a grudge.” I told him it’s not holding a grudge if he never did anything to fix the problem. He rolled his eyes and walked away. I told him I can’t rely on him. His response was, “what did you need to rely on me for last night?” I laid into him. Did not raise my voice, I’ve been working on not doing that. But kept a stern tone. Told him it didn’t matter if I needed him last night or not. I can never rely on him when alcohol or weed is around. I can’t trust him, I can’t build a life with him, I can’t have children with him. He constantly chooses his vices over our marriage. That our marriage is dying. That I am not going to constantly be stuck having to take care of everything.
“Well my vices aren’t difficult like you are.” I shut him down instantly. Told him, you don’t get to blame anything on me. You did this. You put us in this situation. This is all a reaction to your behavior. You don’t like the reaction, then change the behavior. He tried a few times to then it on me and I wouldn’t let him. He threw in my face that I got drunk at the hockey game on Friday. I told him that has happened a handful of times in the four years we have been together. It is a routine for him. And it’s been the one single problem in our relationship. There is no comparison. How many things in our house does he have to break before he gets it?!
I told him life is difficult. Shit happens everyday. You don’t get to run to the bottle everytime things get hard. And if that’s how he wants to be I need to start looking for my own place because I’m not going to be the one that has to clean up everything all the time.
He just stood there and agreed. Said nothing. His defense mechanism is to shut down. He tried to guilt me with the “well why did you marry me then.” Because you promised me a lot of things that you clearly have no intention of keeping.
I feel like a failure. We have been married a year. And the more this happens the farther out the door I am. How is it this and this soon?! I feel like I am giving up if I ask for a divorce. And I honestly don’t think he will stop me because he doesn’t want to deal with it. I can’t change him. He doesn’t want to change. I have done everything I possibly can to help him. I have been more patient than he deserves. I try to help him get to the why he drinks. I have no more patience. And no more forgiveness. It’s like he is trying to push me out the door without doing any of the dirty work.
I have been in your shoes. Many arguments that are similar to yours. How long has he been drinking/getting high? I have been dealing with the drinking for 2 years, but have dated him for 9 years. He had some issues at work and it spiraled out of control from there.
I will say that once this behavior of drinking when things get tough sets in, it becomes their normal routine and it is very difficult to break this. Believe me, I have tried. So, unfortunately, if he does not want to change, he won't. I think you did great a great job standing your ground, laying it out for him by telling him how you feel and how his behavior affects you. I think sometimes they just think their behavior is just about them and have no idea how bad they act under the influence and how it impacts our lives.
I was talking to my boyfriend's sister today and she said I have gone over and beyond in trying to help him and I have to do what is best for me. Quite frankly, I think she is surprised I have stayed this long. Me too. You are not in any way a failure. What his sister told me today and I needed to be reminded of is that this is his issue and we are not responsible for their behavior or to fix it.
Not able to tell you what to do because this is such a personal decision. However, think about it as a pro/con list. Are you happy most of the time or do you spend the majority of your life worrying about whether or not he will be drunk on any given day? Or on edge that he will say something that will cause an argument when he is drunk? Or that he will emberass you in front of your friends or family?
I don't have the answer. I can tell you that I find myself telling him no drinking when we go out with my friends or my family. Then I think how sad that it has come to me having to treat him like a child.
My thoughts are with you as you approach each day. I am in your shoes and know how difficult and stressful this is firsthand. Hang in there.
they completely think their behavior only affects them. it's selfish. he doesn't care/think about the repercussions his actions have on the people around him.
i brought up marriage counseling again this morning. he told me it was a huge waste of money. he would just stop drinking. i told him i've heard that all before, he says the same thing everytime. it doesn't solve anything. his response, "well i don't know what else to say to you then." his methods aren't working, he has proven that over and over again. all he has to do is try something different.
i am sorry you have to deal with this as well, i hope the boundaries you are setting with him help a little. we shouldn't have to be the responsible ones or treat them like children. that's not a relationship. it is kind of a shock to the system when someone on the outside notices it too, but i'm glad you have a support system in his family.
RE: "brought up marriage counseling again this morning. he told me it was a huge waste of money. he would just stop drinking."
Of course it is a "waste of money," because if he went, he would have to deal with the issues causing the drinking. Heard this before except my boyfriend says that they are all a bunch of quacks who want to push drugs. Another way to avoid it, And he is kidding himself if he thinks he can just stop drinking. He drinks because of those very issues. My boyfriend treats those as two separate things too....issues and drinking. They are one in the same.
Thank you. Boundaries are helping, but am still unhappy. Like you said, not a relationship. When he does not call me, I sit and wonder if he is drunk or at the bar again. Just messed up.
Although I appreciate it, the support from his family is sporadic. They are more focused on asking me questions about his health and drinking, but I understand it is their son/brother and I am not their family. His sister says without me, my boyfriend would be so much worse. She thanks for me all I have done to try to help him. But I cannot and will not do this forever. Feel more like his keeper or parent than a girlfriend. Just have to make the decision when enough is enough.
Hang in there!