Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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Drained

Faith
Faith

I tried speaking to my AH this morning, he fell off the wagon and back on has been sober for a week.  I’ve been trying to really understand my feelings and I can’t.  I have so many emotions running through me it has me drained.  While he was sober I found he was talking to a woman.  I confronted him about it and he said she was just a coworker kept messaging him keep in mind his number is public.  He stopped talking to her and she just continues to message now wanting see him.  She’s telling him she has feelings for him.  He doesn’t respond but told her he is devoting his time to the kids and Me.   I know this should make me happy but it doesn’t.  How does he manage to get himself mixed up in this stuff really.  As if I’m not dealing with ITV enough already.  I brought it up today of course and he was so pissed said he doesnt know why she’s messaging and telling him these thing.  I asked him how he couldn’t see by talking to a woman while married and engaging in conversation through text message was the wrong empression, I was pretty calm but he was pissed and told me F this if you want to divorce me do it.  Like a normal person all I wanted was a little clarification and maybe some sympathy.  He kept talking about how he doesn’t need to go through this.  I got upset and told him he always acts as though he’s the victim and he’s not...I’m the victim and he just doesn’t see it.   He is so selfish.  Even sober I don’t know how to communicate any more with him.  I have so much built up inside I can’t even express how I truly feel.  He doesn’t want to hear it anyway.  He hasn’t called to apologize or anything prob feels as though it’s my fault as usual.  I just hope he went to work and didn’t pick up a bottle.  


I’m tired...I just wish I could have a normal conversation and talk about me for a change or how I’m feeling and be held with love and security.  I stuck it all out because I had faith he could be sober and get well and be a good man to me and our kids.  It’s been 18 years and I’m still waiting for my happy ending. 

Faith
Faith
I was right I got home only to find an empty house...he’s out on a drinking binge. I need to figure out my life. This is getting so old.
Alex265
Alex265
Has he completed any rehab programs and going to Aa meetings weekly? Him trying to stop his addiction alone isnt going to cut it if not. Just know even people who complete a rehab program and going to aa meetings still relapse so it could possibly be a long journey. You have to think to yourself and decide if your willing to stick for the journey. Just remeber alcoholism is disease, even when he isnt drinking his mind is distorted hes not going to probably think clearly...hes probably going to be agitated and irritable when you try to reason with him. My best advise that seem to work for me atleast is dont ambush conversations make an appt to talk about a subject that's bothering you. For example if its the co worker you want to talk about...simply say not now but do you think after dinner we could have a quick talk about whats going on with your co worker i just want to get your side of it so theres no assumptions. If anything seems like its a negative topic he may get resistance. I had to look at my alcoholic husband like s child..you have to say things a certain way in order for them to reason or even talk about a certain subject. It sounds like he's atleast attempting to get sober which it takes s long time for some to get to that attempt stage so for a brighter side of things atleast he has that going
bluesprite72
bluesprite72
Sounds like my life. We have been together almost 20 years, married 17. When he was sober, I swear he was more self-centered. Over the years I have come to realize that he never mentally or emotionally grew up past childhood age. He isn't mentally capable to think and act like an adult. It can be very draining trying to deal with a grown man, who should be capable of acting like an adult, but who can only act and think like a child. It is very tiring to have to be the only acting adult in the house. Honestly, when I started realizing who he really was, the more withdrawn I became towards him. I stopped expecting him to be able to do anything at all for me, that he was totally incapable of thinking the way that I do. I started detaching from the idea that this would ever be a healthy, normal adult marriage. That I have just been his mom all these years. You cannot be their mom and their wife. I just didn't want to be either anymore. So, I just let him drink his life away, make the choices he makes and be a mom to my boys. Since I backed away from trying to be his mom or his wife, I don't feel as drained when he is around. I don't give in to his childish games he tries to play with me to get me engaged with his issues. I took my energy and control back. I got so tired of giving him all my energy, even if it was just in my thoughts about how bad things have gotten and why they have been this way for so long. I figured that he made his choice along time ago, to drink, so I made my decision to check out of my obligation of wife. We are still together, but I am more free than I have ever been. Someday this will all be over and I will be able to leave peacefully. I wish you luck in all of this and I hope I said something that will start you on your journey to a better life some day.
Faith
Faith
He’s never been able to go to a rehab because of his job. He’s worked the AA program, and meets with his sponsor and calls them too. His job demands so much of his attention that he hasn’t been to meetings for the last few months because he’s exhausted. I also agree with you about the ambush. I probably did catch him off guard, but it’s hard. I may have over reacted but all this anger came back when he fell off the wagon last week all my hopes just went up in flames. I also realize I’m struggling with balancing things out when he’s sober. He’s doing things that he’s never done for us in over a decade. I’ve basically raised all of our kids, and babied him for most of my life. I’ve done the wife’s chores and the mans hard labor outside. I feel like I need that emotional support now and I was upset when I felt he was giving someone, anyone else his time. I’m struggling and I was just learning how to trust him and depend on him and now he’s drinking..what a mess. He slept in the camper last night and drank himself to sleep.
Faith
Faith
I hear you too bluespirit. While becoming sober he goes through this whole angry phase, then apologetic phase, then the self-centered phase, back around to arrogant before he actually starts acting like a normal husband. It’s a cycle I’m not looking forward to getting through even though I know I’d like to have him sober again.
Alex265
Alex265
Yea I can completely understand with working and trying to get treatment is very challenging. I had the same problem with my AH luckily I was able to find a day rehab program where he would go there everyday after work. I would say atleast your husband is doing something about it. It took several years for my husband to admit he even had a problem and drinking a full bottle of vodka every night was normal. stay strong and cherish every progress.
hopelesswife
hopelesswife
Blue spirit, you’ve given me hope. How do you manage to stay emotionally and intimately connected by withdrawing? I’ll take any bit of advice I can get. God bless all of us.