Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I have been trying to figure what i should do, where i should start, if i should leave.The idea, that he is going to ,"do better", has gone and the understanding that he is not going to be able to understand anything im saying or doing, outside of the word liquor, well its swtting in. It isnt a problem of wanting t stop, he doesnt , he tells me and comes back with the same EXACT phrases, hes eve borrowed form therapy, to condone his use, and he takse for granted that ill stay, cause, i always have. I feel, that all this stuff, this goop, grime,mold,tarnish , that has accumulated as of ten years of marriage, CAN be cleared. I am realising, its gonna take both mess makers to clean it, and clean it with WHOLE HEARTED INTENTION OF GETTING WELL. At present, i am the only one suited up, with mop bucket and cleaners in hand. Because it matters to me!!..Thats the dumb , infuriating , hurtful, wreckless, PAINFUL part. I give a sh@t!! So i get to feel it, i get to put in the work, and i can choose where the energy is going to go. To more of this ,,this ,EXISTENCE,,OR into LIFE..INTO REAL JOY FILLED, FEAR FREE...turmoil free LIFE!!!...when i say this, when i say i want to not do this part of US, any longer. No more angry words, no more broken glass, no more police and their judgemental stares full of preconcieved disgust. No more fear...no more conflict that just implodes because i say something or write something or FEEL SOMETHING,, you dont want to deal with. No more feeling im holding you back..and sucking the life out of you,,that youre SUFFERING IN LIFE IS FROM ME!!?? Thats what i want, i wanted love, or a relationship,lol..wow,,that was me..cant be happy without a "special someone"??....Now i have erased that idea on the chalkboard in my head, now,i just want to be MY OWN SPECIAL SOMEONE..i just want to stop tiptoing through my life around you,,,,I know if i walk,,deep in my guts i DO NOT WANT TO COME BACK..and i know if i run halfcocked...i will be homeless ,childless...and fail at finishing school..so i have to wait..but i DO NOT KNOW if i can,,i am not a good person to hide how i feel about things. I know you will play that same ld tired play in the play book, it goes the SAME WAY day to day..WEEK TO WEEK. I can write it down. Supposedly you ant see it..lol..and i know you are the grandmaster of manipuative chosen self denial. Expecting me to join in, when i was a junkie ( thank you btw, when i got hard to handle, for telling me it was time to quit, after our lives were completely destroyed,i own it too,like i own my own sobriety, and, the lessons i learned as i crawled into and out of your head..thank you..for the irony,and the lack of acceptnace of my own bad behaviour)..now that im clean, i want my life clean too. Now ,thanks to you i COMPLETELY understand..how , and when and why you do and DONT think as an addict. I do not think you will stop. You may be forced to, you may do it to get a momentary once over. But as for your moment of clarity, it may never be recognized or even in your view, arrive at all. I am left to make this choice now, beause i can not trust your judgement,, overall, your idea of ok, means me living LIKE THIS, and this playing out week after week, after week,after week. I cant do it. I CAN NOT DO IT!! My mind at this point has two different overall processes going, one of which is a higher process, of looking for materials, resources, plans. To get out, to plan to get out, i see the spiral, it is gonna get wild again. It will not stay calm long. Another episode is swelling, and when it comes, i think, i may, just be prepared to walk away. However the longer i stay ( the thing i do not know if i can do), the more stable that walk becomes. The more likely, i am to achieve the life i dream of , the life of least resistence. There is a key..somewhere, a key, a way, to find help.To find someonewith resources that really genrally wants to make a difference in someones life. I also see a need, that needs filled,. There is no help or resource out there, THERE NEEDS TO BE....Until then, us girls will just have todo this all as usual, by ourselves. I guess this post is venting and a reach out for some sort of support, or encouragement.Im just glad there is a thing,a place i can go to just say whats on my mind without the seeds of discord you sow as retribution for me just trying to be honest with how i feel. i can express litte bits of this, glimpses, and instantly , you get drunk or verbally demeaning or try to manipulate the info , skew, or point out how flawed all of my actual feelings are. When i do respond or get fed up with your JOY , at my " lets talk about something else" when you KNOW i want to talk about it!!i want to say it , the truth, howi feel.But you..lol,,you move right along eagerly. So herei sit, dealing with this ball of gunk on my soul , while trying to move forward, i drag this behind me,like a millstone. Everyday..i just wonder,,when is that shoe gonna drop, and the time is getting late, and i have procrastinated, too long. I just want to recover. My life, my peace of mind.
Huge congratulations on sobriety especially while living with an addict who refuses to recognize.
There are three types of drunks...sorry alcoholics. The ones who are the comic strip over the top drink to pass out then feel regret and want to change. Those who recognize alcohol has hooked them and try at times to quit. And those who do not accept their weakness to the power of the bottle and feel because the have a job they are not a drunk.
The first two can be helped. The last will never. Functioning alcoholics will not seek help because they do not see a problem. No problem why is my spouse upset. They do not see the havoc they cause or the suffering created around them.
If it were possible to take a picture of the vast number of empty beer cans or licquer bottles and superimpose over the top of a house or car or vacation destination or children's college....maybe they would understand.
You need to be true to you. Perhaps step away to a friend's house or a hotel room for a day or two...say business meeting (personal business) or friend needs me (you are your own best friend). Gain fresh perspective.
Last year I was so fed up and exhausted I made resolution to "be a dude".
It worked , this year is second year and more difficult.
In a nutshell - if he does not care I won't either. No clean dishes oh well. No food in fridge oh well. No vacuuming or dusting too bad.
I make my half the bed. Clean my dishes. Buy my food, when feel like it make casserole to share but not my priority to think about his needs.
Late in the year 2019 he seemed to finally see what was taking place and began helping. Well 2020 - has totally shut down. I can either go back to working two jobs plus fuss about him and the house care or I can try to breathe and pray
everyday,another clue comes forth ,reminding me of just how messed up his head and behaviour and mine as well have become ,concerning alcohol and addiction, even though I'm in recovery, it has, does and will always leave it's mark. That's the thing tho, like skin that's healing ,it will leave a scar of tougher skin over the old wound . My husband does this thing called mirroring ,what he's doing ,wether it's concious or just unhealthy repeated coping mechanisms
over used and gone awry,he blames others for doing things he actually is doing ,his favourite thing to say is ,"you need to quit playing games ","you are always turning it around on me","and "button pusher, always pushing buttons ".....he has a process that's as long as I been observing it has never failed to occur over and over and over ,every week ,..he's hard to deal with ,up to the night before an off day,he works 3rd shift ,so he begins to "prepare me" to accept his drinking and not say anything ,he tries to involve me ,he actually dedicated "just the way you are " to me the night before ,thinking I'd get the message ,due to another favorite line,"I drank when you met me,so why are you trying to change me "...and when I thought about it ,because that's the issue you lately, I HAVE CHANGED, AND PLAN ON CONTINUING TO "CHANGE ",also referred to as GROWING ,he feels the pressure to do the same,or get left behind,.
it occurred to me ,yeah, he doesn't want me to change a I make a good subservant to his addiction ,..so the night before he dedicated this song that ,well you'll have to look up the lyrics for the full splash of irony ,(Billy Joel,"just the way you are",..I began going to Alanon ,which is something he hates but he's forcing himself to be nice about last night ,MUSIC BLARING in disrespect if me trying to complete my school work (another new change he is boiling about beneath the surface ) he lost the rent check /money order, and the land lord stood on the front porch ,as he stumbled and bumbled around ,after being a dick to me previous ,I had to go find it because his drunk ass lost it in the ro,..then comes in the kitchen and proceeds to bitch at my daughters because they weren't cleaning the kitchen the way he wanted further disturbing my trying to gey work done,,...it's a bunch of info pouring into my mind ,I do not have long here in this situation,because it is coming to a need to decide what my life is going to be like in the future ,the only answer I get ,resonates in my heart and head ,"NOT LIKE THIS",that's all I know ,my life in the future looks NOTHING ,like this .How that comes to be ,I will determine ,no I won't force him to do anything ,and he will not manipulate me into participating in this crap anymore than I feel I need to .thank you for all your loving support ,it means the world ,find an Alanon meeting it works ,and you'll find strength and healing ,.I urge you both , have a hoped for desire for your life and also have an out option ,and begin to put it into affect. you may need to consider ,and prepare to enact that your life may be more away,from all this, and in order to implement that and be able to sustain it ,prepare,your life and mind ,you DO NOT have to do this ,