Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
So I touched on this a bit in another post, but wanted to write a post on it here, in case anyone has any advice or thoughts.
Although I have been afraid that my AH would never get better, in the back of my mind, I think I always had the idea that he would. After all, I wouldn't stay if I thought he would never truly be better. Yes, I realize that he will always be an alcoholic, but, I have always belived that he would be a sober one, who had his disease under control.
Now, for the first time, I realize that this might not be true. Strange as it sounds, I've never truly realized this before.
Why did I realize this? Well, because he fell off the wagon, 3 or 4 months ago, after a year and a half of sobriety. Here's the thing: after a year and a half of being sober, I honestly thought he had it under control. I did not expect anymore slip ups.
Before his year and a half of sobriety, I went through SO MANY slip ups with him, for years. You can imagine, I'm sure, how happy I was after a year and a half of sobriety! I really thought he had it under control.
So here's what I suddenly realized, just a day or two ago: If he can slip up after a year and a half, he can slip up ANY TIME.
Suddenly, I didn't know if I could live with that.
Suddenly, I understood, for the first time, that he may never get better.
I used to think that if he was sober for a certain amount of time, like, say, a year and a half, or two years, or 5 years, that that was some sort of guantee that he wouldn't slip up again. Now I realize: there are no guantees.
How you do live with the fact that there's no guantees???? I'd love to know how you guys manage that....
Although I have been afraid that my AH would never get better, in the back of my mind, I think I always had the idea that he would. After all, I wouldn't stay if I thought he would never truly be better. Yes, I realize that he will always be an alcoholic, but, I have always belived that he would be a sober one, who had his disease under control.
Now, for the first time, I realize that this might not be true. Strange as it sounds, I've never truly realized this before.
Why did I realize this? Well, because he fell off the wagon, 3 or 4 months ago, after a year and a half of sobriety. Here's the thing: after a year and a half of being sober, I honestly thought he had it under control. I did not expect anymore slip ups.
Before his year and a half of sobriety, I went through SO MANY slip ups with him, for years. You can imagine, I'm sure, how happy I was after a year and a half of sobriety! I really thought he had it under control.
So here's what I suddenly realized, just a day or two ago: If he can slip up after a year and a half, he can slip up ANY TIME.
Suddenly, I didn't know if I could live with that.
Suddenly, I understood, for the first time, that he may never get better.
I used to think that if he was sober for a certain amount of time, like, say, a year and a half, or two years, or 5 years, that that was some sort of guantee that he wouldn't slip up again. Now I realize: there are no guantees.
How you do live with the fact that there's no guantees???? I'd love to know how you guys manage that....
I have people in my life that drank for 30 + years, terrorized their families, broke every promise and relationship that they ever made, and then make the decision that enough was enough.
I have watched these people and talked with them, and they have bluntly told me that there isn't a day that goes by that they don't want to drink, even if it's been 20 years, because that is how their body is made. The difference is they just DON'T. So the want/need for alcohol in their body never goes away, it just depends when they feel strong enough to fight it, because even when they stop it is an every day struggle.
When I get upset or disappointed I remember why I married my husband, I remember why I fell in love with him, and I remember that that person is still in there. And as of right now I haven't given up.
I wish I had a definitive answer for you, and for me, and I wish I knew if I was on a fool's errand, but I don't think there are definitive answers for alcoholics, there will always be a level of uncertainty.
Chin up my friend! Decide what is right for you and your life.
Even though we all deal with alcoholics our situations are all unique.
You decide what is best for you :)
For me -- an self-sufficient woman in her 60s who knows how to set boundaries and nurture herself -- alcoholism isn't a "family disease" as it's often promoted. Alcoholism is HIS disease. I have made clear after his recent spectacular relapse that while I am here to support him, I don't want to get sucked into the recovery world or make recovery my life.
We have a newly established weekly "us" time, when we take a walk and talk about our relationship. Yesterday, I shared my own recent realization that "this will never end."
I asked him, "How can I support you without making it my problem, too?"
"Just love me." was his response.
This time does feel different because he initiated the recovery, he's taking AA more seriously (i.e., has a sponsor), and he goes to therapy weekly. The results are palpable and I am trusting them.
It's one day at a time for me, too, but my days are not consumed by him.
I wish you well.