Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
hi - i;m new to the group and new to being the partner of an alcoholic. my boyfriend and i are common law, and have been for almost two years. we have a 1 1/2 year old daughter.
i recently convinced him to get help and he entered an intensive out patient rehab program, because 1) he didn't want to "leave" for a month because he has too much stuff to do and 2) in patient is expensive.
i desperately need to vent and i don't want to spend this post talking about him, i want to talk about how hard this has been on me. i've explained to him how i can't be with him because when he is drunk he is abusive - emotionally. he says horrible things to hurt me because he's hurting himself, terribly, and he needs to lash out to feel better. i've seen the look of smug satisfaction on his face when he feels like he's "winning" an argument. it's not winning, but it is defeating.
today he is 4 days sober. i think. who knows? i don't trust him because he's hidden his drinking for so long, how can i believe him when he says he hasn't stopped at a bar? he was supposed to help me run an errand but as usual he got side tracked with personal things and we missed the window. i confronted him about this - apparently attacked him - and he lashed out.
i've started going to family group therapy when he is in his own therapy. the first thing he said after my session, "did you talk about me all night? do they think i'm abusive?" i guess it's part of the territory that they believe the world revolves around them. i explained that it's for me, about me, and i'm learning how to support myself so i can be there for him. he used it against me today - "aren't you an adult? isn't that why you go to groups so you can learn to do things for yourself? you shouldn't expect anyone to bend over backwards for you. i never said i would do for you. you made it all about you. you ruined the whole day and i don't even feel bad that i'm pissed off at you and don't want to talk to you for the rest of the day."
and i just sat on the phone, silent. not standing up for myself. not fighting back. because i'm afraid that if i do it will give him an excuse to drink. because everything gives him an excuse to drink. i'm so TIRED of walking on eggshells around him, of having to diminish myself so he can feel bigger. of sacrificing me. i want to explode, i'm so filled with rage and disgust for him. and i have to hold it in, because one of us has to be strong, one of us has to be the pillar for our daughter. i have to be strong for our family.
and when he comes back in there will be no apology. i don't want to use the hate word but that's what i'm feeling right now. right now i want him to go away and never come back, because i'm so sick and tired of feeling like this. i wish he would drink so his counselor would tell him that's it. inpatient rehab. i know later or tomorrow i probably won't feel like this but right now i need to breathe.
i recently convinced him to get help and he entered an intensive out patient rehab program, because 1) he didn't want to "leave" for a month because he has too much stuff to do and 2) in patient is expensive.
i desperately need to vent and i don't want to spend this post talking about him, i want to talk about how hard this has been on me. i've explained to him how i can't be with him because when he is drunk he is abusive - emotionally. he says horrible things to hurt me because he's hurting himself, terribly, and he needs to lash out to feel better. i've seen the look of smug satisfaction on his face when he feels like he's "winning" an argument. it's not winning, but it is defeating.
today he is 4 days sober. i think. who knows? i don't trust him because he's hidden his drinking for so long, how can i believe him when he says he hasn't stopped at a bar? he was supposed to help me run an errand but as usual he got side tracked with personal things and we missed the window. i confronted him about this - apparently attacked him - and he lashed out.
i've started going to family group therapy when he is in his own therapy. the first thing he said after my session, "did you talk about me all night? do they think i'm abusive?" i guess it's part of the territory that they believe the world revolves around them. i explained that it's for me, about me, and i'm learning how to support myself so i can be there for him. he used it against me today - "aren't you an adult? isn't that why you go to groups so you can learn to do things for yourself? you shouldn't expect anyone to bend over backwards for you. i never said i would do for you. you made it all about you. you ruined the whole day and i don't even feel bad that i'm pissed off at you and don't want to talk to you for the rest of the day."
and i just sat on the phone, silent. not standing up for myself. not fighting back. because i'm afraid that if i do it will give him an excuse to drink. because everything gives him an excuse to drink. i'm so TIRED of walking on eggshells around him, of having to diminish myself so he can feel bigger. of sacrificing me. i want to explode, i'm so filled with rage and disgust for him. and i have to hold it in, because one of us has to be strong, one of us has to be the pillar for our daughter. i have to be strong for our family.
and when he comes back in there will be no apology. i don't want to use the hate word but that's what i'm feeling right now. right now i want him to go away and never come back, because i'm so sick and tired of feeling like this. i wish he would drink so his counselor would tell him that's it. inpatient rehab. i know later or tomorrow i probably won't feel like this but right now i need to breathe.
I wish I had great words of encouragement. I wish I had the answers for you. I dont. Others on here are more insightful. lol. But I send you love and friendship. An ear for listening. It's good that you are seeking counseling for yourself. I still need to do that. I live in a very rural area. Local meetings are only once a week. That was last night at 8. I was just too drained and tired to go. I am working on myself. It's a long road. One that I desperately wish would come to an end. Its almost 5 now and he will be on his way home from work. That's when my hell begins :(
It's so sad. In society today, drinking is just expected. It's part of the day-to-day. For those of us on the other side though, it's hard. Really hard.
The alcoholic doesn't want to admit they have a problem. They don't want to be the odd one out. They want to fit in, to keep up. I could easily tell someone that I'm not in the mood to drink tonight or alcohol and I don't get along, or I gave it up, etc. Not them. They have to dive right in and stay all night.
he blew up at me yesterday because i had the audacity to get upset when he failed to follow through with something he said he would do for me. he made his own plans, didn't let me in and then when i called him on it i'm the worst person in the world. and attacked the family group i'm going to - isn't that why you're going? to learn to be an adult? it's more than selfishness from him, it's arrogance. he's the only person suffering, he's the only one here going through anything. it's insulting, depleting, depressing. it's like he's spitting in my face, me, the one who has to sit through the abuse and garbage, i'm the target. he can't do me favours. i don't deserve them. i'm just supposed to continue to take on all the responsibility and more, so he can focus on himself. but he can get up early and go to court for his "friend" who kicked our back door down, let people have sex in and do drugs in our house... who is so utterly useless as a human being. he'll be there for this guy. but he won't be there for me.
i think sometimes the only reason i hold on is so he doesn't kill himself. that's depressing. and he says i'm selfish, i only think of myself. right. if i was thinking of myself i'd tell him to go drown in his bottle. i don't need anything from him and i don't want anything from him.