Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

0 Online

Staacy 02/03/2017

So I am new to this group, this is my 2nd post, my first just introducing myself. My husband is a functioning alcoholic who has a great work ethic, does not go out to drink, does not treat me poorly (unless we talk about his addiction) & most would never know he has a problem. My husband has been in the same place for the last 6 years. He drinks alone but not in the house for I told him years ago I did not want to see it. So maybe in the car before he gets home or in the yard when he is smoking or at home before me & the kids get there. He never slurs his words or stumbles around the house but I can tell it changes his mood, he can be very depressed, lazy, pass out early leaving me with taking care of the house. We both work f/t & share a bank account. My husband has spent anywhere from $300-$600/month on his habits. Last August he had a break & forgot to pick me up from the airport, my son at camp, my daughter at school & felt so guilty & ashamed he just got worse that week. He was in a guilt ridden shamed place for a few months & we fought alot & were like roommates. When the new year came around I could tell he wanted us to go back to putting our heads in the same & go back to how we were for in his eyes it was not so bad but I cannot shake what happened & realized even the most functioning of alcoholics could out of nowhere get worse. I do not want to end my marriage but truly do not want to stay this way. I told him if he was not ready to quit that was his choice but maybe it would be best for us to seperate for living with him just keeps me in this resentful & bitter place. He asked me to stay with him & work on our marriage & he would work on his drinking. I have to be honest I do not think he is ready to quit & just stalling me. So if I agree would you give it 30 days? 45 days? and not that he has to fully quit but at least to show he is TRULY trying. I want better for him, for us & me & I want our marriage to grow but if he continues to drink, that will never happen. Has anyone been in a similar situation & what has worked for you?

Marto 02/03/2017

Hi hun, i hope u r finding some strength and happiness.

I can draw some simarlarities to whats happening with your husband.
Where we were in this cycle, in all honesty the only things i could do to almost force him into getting help was to stop being an enabler. It's very scary and daunting and hard. But it has to happen if u want thinks to get better.

Im no expert (have a google-around for info on alcoholics and enablers), however i would say you need to set boundaries with a time frame ie: yes, say in 30 days i need to see xyz behavior or im going to xyz. In most cases the thing you have to do needs to have considetable impact eg leave, call the cops when u know he has been drink driving, take his $ so he cant buy etc etc.

Basically each time you give an ultimatum and don't follow through, your sending a message that your not serious and that is ok for his bevaiour to continue.

I was kind of lucky i spose, it only took me 3 consecutive nights of sleeping at a friends house with our 2yo for my hubby to book into rehab. We still have major issues to deal with and its tough... but at least he went to rehab and got the help needed to start recovering from his mental health issues.

You might need to rally some close friends behind you for support, and tell them your plans so they can support you.

I hope that helps hun ×××

Staacy 02/03/2017

Thank you! I know what I need to do but it just makes me so sad! I financially can afford to be on my own & I would stay in the house with our kids & ask him to leave but this is not what we go into marriage thinking will happen but I know this is not what God intended for marriage.

Marto 02/03/2017

Yep its so sad.
The private stuggles are heartbreaking.
Keep us posted

bluesprite72 02/03/2017

Even when you know what you need to do, it is still hard to get to a point where you are ready to act on what you need to do. It took me a long time to admit to myself that things weren't going to change and that I would need to let go of my idea of what I wanted my family to look and be like.

Staacy 02/03/2017

YESSSSS! It is so hard to let go of the vision I had for my marriage & for my family. I also need to get out of my head for I can even say but it is not that bad, he goes to work everyday, I am never picking him up off the floor or calling work for him but he admitted he drinks 12 beers everyday throughout the day. I have to remind myself he might have been at the same level for 5 years but what caused him to spiral last August out of nowhere & pick me up drunk means it could happen anytime maybe triggered by something or nothing & what if next time he gets in an accident & my son is in the car. I just can't say he seems fine 95% of that time knowing that other 5% could happen any moment with no warning!

Newlife4me 02/04/2017

As Blue said, I can take a very long time to come to the realization that ending the marriage is what you have to do. Not saying this is what you personally need to do, this is my story. I think in most cases the amount of drinking does escalate overtime. It's the natural progression because as the body becomes immune to the effects of alcohol, they need to drink more of it to feel good. I first called a lawyer in December 2013. After telling my AH about this and that I was serious, he got better, but it didn't last. His drinking really escalated around Christmas 2015, and I decided that would be the last Christmas (or special moment) that he would ever ruin for me and our children. So I went back to the lawyer right after Christmas, and started the ball rolling. It's a long process going through a divorce, but I am so thankful I did. Although many people do kick the habit forever, I knew I could never live with the daily struggle and constantly wondering if something would happen to push him to picking up the vodka again. I was constantly preoccupied with, "is he drinking" or "where is the damn alcohol hidden", and I knew that I just did not want to live the rest of my life always having these types of thoughts.

I valued my marriage vows, and tried to help my husband in numerous ways over 8 long years, and finally I had had enough. Like they say in AA and rehab, the alcoholic has to want to stop for themselves. If they don't, all of my efforts are fruitless and a waste of time. I don't believe that my vows meant that I should stay in the marriage regardless of the effect on me and our children. He took vows too, and he's not holding up his end of the vows. I wasn't put on this earth to spend my time here dealing with his crappy behavior. I owe it to God, myself, and my children to make the most of my time here.

hopefulmum 02/04/2017

I'm so sorry that you are living in this stressful situation. It sounds like your husband is really in the throws of this terrible disease. Research the effects of alcoholism on the brain and you will see that this isn't a choice for him anymore. Unless he gets help to detox and learn a new way of living and coping without alcohol, you will live on this roller coaster forever. It took 4+ years, losing a job, and enlisting the entire family for an intervention to get my husband to rehab. It was the last straw for me - even though I have strong Christian faith and did not want my 4 kids to lose their family - the pain of staying outweighed leaving in the end. My only regret is not taking this drastic action earlier...the children & I did not survive unscathed. Hubby has thanked me many times and now has new chance at life (also, he found faith).

Staacy 02/06/2017

Thank you everyone for your replies! It really is so very helpful to read, does not make anything easier but it helps keep me stay strong to take care of me!

Join the Conversation