Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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Confused!!!

DSTRICK
DSTRICK

I'm trying so hard not loose it! I found last night that my AH has been messaging his ex wife. We've been together 31 yrs so it's been about 33 yrs since he was with her. The messages started out innocent but as soon as he told her we were having problems it started to turn in to a conversation of the 2 of them. How they missed each other to him asking for sexy pictures.She lives out of the area but told him she would be in town next week and could have lunch. She then started sending him pictures of them together back in the day. I couldn't find pictures of my life before my husband in that short of time this  conversation had been going on. So why does she just have these sitting close by??? As they reminisced I caught myself thinking of how i was gonna wake him up and completely go postal on him. Then I thought for a second... is this my way out? Should I hold off confronting him to see how far he takes this? I've always joked that it would be a blessing to have another woman come in and take him at least I would loose him to another human instead of alcohol! I don't wanna sound shallow I love this man and I've been there all these years taking care of him he's the father of my kids. But am I in love with him do I need him so bad in my life that I stop this. I'm much more confused today than I was yesterday now! The thing that hurts the most is he never told her that his drinking was the reason were having marital problems. He blamed me with having a hard time dealing with the death of my step father n sister within a year. I'm sorry for rambling I just don't know I'm asking u all for ur opinion. I have a guy friend (just friend ) that moved away last year and we still text. He's been a good listener and yes I do care about him but as far as having a relationship that's not what either of us wanted  because I'm married I could have but we both knew it wasn't right. I'm letting my quilt over come me right now thinking I'm doing basically what my AH is doing. I'm looking for that person to make me feel special and to let me know that I can go on in life with or with out him. But then I never had a sexual relationship or a past were just friends. This is his ex wife! Is it different? Should I just let him have this one? Should I hold off or should I say I know? 

Newlife4me
Newlife4me
The first thing I would do is take screenshots of the texts from his ex-wife, and send them to yourself. Good to keep in your back pocket regardless of what you decide to do. Then erase the "sent" file so he can't see that you sent it to yourself. It could be your way out - fast track to freedom. It's okay to take some time to yourself, without a man, to get back to the person you used to be.
DSTRICK
DSTRICK
I so did that already. Thank u! I
invisibleme
invisibleme
I understand the confusion. As much as we want out of our horrible situations, we may not be completely ready. When I overheard my AH tell his friend that he was going to leave me after the first of the year I totally panicked and began thoughts like "oh what do I have to do to hang on to him?" BTW, this was over 2 years ago, and he still hasn't left me.

It's horrible when they blame us for the problems, to other people. They trash-talk us to anyone who will listen. And unfortunately some of these people will believe them. We have to just let go of that. We know who we are. Our AHs couldn't possibly admit the truth. If they did, they might feel they have to change, and that would mean no more drinking.

Ask God for guidance and just let this all unfold. This could be God's very gentle way of rescuing you. Sending hugs!
invisibleme
invisibleme
One other thought, have you prepared yourself, financially, should he decide to leave or one day decide to clean out a joint bank account? Does he have access to a joint credit card with a high spending limit? I ask in case he should decide to buy his "friend" an expensive gift. You might want to look at ways to protect yourself financially.
DSTRICK
DSTRICK
No he took me off his bank acct years ago. I was always his excuse for drinking. I spend to much and he has to work hard to provide! I have my own acct., he's not on it.
Jayda808
Jayda808
Sweetie, I feel for you. To have that kind of secret liaison on top of years of emotional abuse towards you is disgusting and weak. It wreaks of denial on his part. You will be better off without him, but he will never leave you. You're there for him to hurt again and again and again. You must leave him. Depending on where you live, you only need to show proof of alcholohism and (I forget the legal term for being a degenerate spouse) for only 5 years. I know it's easier to fantasize about leaving him than actually doing it (hello, that's all of us!), but if you choose to stay make yourself impervious to every form of hurt he can inflict upon you. Steel yourself. We're here for you. We are you. Xoxo
Jayda808
Jayda808
Sweetie, I feel for you. To have that kind of secret liaison on top of years of emotional abuse towards you is disgusting and weak. It wreaks of denial on his part. You will be better off without him, but he will never leave you. You're there for him to hurt again and again and again. You must leave him. Depending on where you live, you only need to show proof of alcholohism and (I forget the legal term for being a degenerate spouse) for only 5 years. I know it's easier to fantasize about leaving him than actually doing it (hello, that's all of us!), but if you choose to stay make yourself impervious to every form of hurt he can inflict upon you. Steel yourself. We're here for you. We are you. Xoxo
DSTRICK
DSTRICK
thank u Jayda, He didn't talk to her from thursday to sunday, she began yesterday morning sending him messages and at first it was sober friendly on his part I could see where she was heading. And sure enough when he was drunk he started flirting back and talking about meeting up when she comes to town. I'm so angry and hurt that he could do this as i'm sitting in the same room with him and actually we were getting along. I haven't yet said anything to him. He has never that i'm aware of ever cheated on me. I know he's starved for attention and for someone to except him and his drinking. Which she is a drinker also! We laid in bed for 4 hours last night talking about us, drinking, sober and God. He claims that he wants to quit and he wants to get back into church. But his comment was "I'm not gonna stop drinking to got to Church" and "I'm not gonna go to Church to stop drinking." It's been along time since we have actually had a conversation and laughed and shared old memories. I enjoyed it but I can't help but wonder if this is just another broken promise! I'm waiting to see if he messages her today when he's drinking, if so i'm gonna have to confront him....
DSTRICK
DSTRICK
up date.... He's been so nice the past few days but still drinking the usual amount. I have just bent over backwards to make sure I give him the attention that he's wanting. With my AH he usually doesn't get verbal unless someone provokes him. He just does stupid stuff that when you get so frustrated you end up making a comment that sets him off! I guess his thinking is if i'm nice while drinking things will be alright. He doesn't get that him being a drunken slob every single day makes crazy and resentful. So last night I asked him who he was texting when I walked into the room?? He didn't lie or try to cover up. Tried to blame her of course, saying he tried to stop talking so we could work things out but she was mad. I didn't see anything on her part of the message that insinuated that she was mad, but he couldn't drop it at that. He continued to text like she was angry asking for her to understand. I had planned not to tell him and act surprised if it came up but not get to upset with him. It didn't go as planned, the minute he turned things to her fault or mine because I haven't been there for him. I lost it! Like always he brings out the worst in me when we argue, I say things that I would never say. So today I feel like total crap for letting it get to me. This may have been my way out but I don't know if i'm ready to be out.... I look at him and I see how alcohol has taken over his life, I worry every time he has a pain that something bad is wrong with him. How much can ones body take before is breaks down? God how I hate the way alcohol effects us all.
CeeCee4
CeeCee4
Forget him! I'd be so pissed. Another reason to get out.
DSTRICK
DSTRICK
ceecee, I know your probably right, and i'm probably a fool! I guess 30 years of living this way you just can't let go of the hope. I think i'm losing my mind!
CeeCee4
CeeCee4
DSTRICK you have to find out what works for you. Do you want to stay married and live in this cycle? Some people choose to stay and it's their choice. But if your this miserable, Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? They say alcoholics have a rock bottom, well so do partners of addicts. We have a rock bottom and we have a choice to stay or go.