Only way I know is to show him what he will lose if he doesn't quit...and that generally doesn't work.

Yes, it took me a long time to realize that for some a bottom may take a lifetime. I don't have a lifetime to waste.

I hope you find peace and get clarity on what actions you need to take for your situation.

Al Anon helped me tremendously and other books on alcoholism. Also don't be shy about going to talk with someone.

You can't get him to want to quit.

You can only decide what you can endure.

The first thing I suggest is to drop the "enabling" label. He lied to you. He deceived you. And now he's verbally abusing you when you do as he asks. You did not seek out a "relationship" with an alcoholic, so let the label go.

Mine died before he ever hit bottom enough to quit, and it was a disgusting, exhausting death. I lost most of my friends through the sheer time it took to nurse his sorry ass through the last 2 years.

Since he is verbally abusing you, superficially asking for your help while blaming you at the same time, the outlook is not good for him or for a healthy relationship with him. Focus your energy on something else, and good luck.

You did not cause it. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it.

I really suggest alanon meetings. Try at least 6 before deciding if it is for you. When we are ready emotionally and spiritually, alanon works miracles in our lives.

As Glenda the Good Witch once said, "You have no power here." All of the power is in the bottle of booze. It controls your husband and then he controls you. You cannot make your husband feel, think, or decide anything.

The day that you realize that only you control you, you start to take back your life. Nobody can make you do anything without your express cooperation and consent. This is a truth that took me a long time to learn, but once I learned it, I never looked back.

Alanon is a lifesaver. Really. It is your life--what do you want to do with it?

Thanks! I finally sat down and told him he has to get help. He agreed to go to counseling, it hasn't happened yet so I guess I have to make the appointment.

abnwife0306--If it is couple counseling, okay to make the appointment. If it is his counseling for drinking, this is his responsibility. Good luck.

Yes keep those lines of who is responsible for what clear. I am finally seeing my role as the financial enabler. I thought I was protecting stability and the kids I have come to realize I was perpetuating an insane lifestyle that was hurting me and the children.

Bean--never feel guilty or bad for making decisions that you believe are in the best interests of your children. That is what mothers do.

He is the screw up, not you. It was his "insane lifestyle" not yours. You did what you thought was best for your kids and that is always the right decision regardless of what anyone else says. Never forget that.

For way too long I made the appointments, sought out the help and believed his every word, that he wanted to change. He was going through the motions, and still is. Every time he is at what I think is the bottom, the next bottom drops out. I felt responsible and guilty and down right mad, it still has no affect, as Chukafan says ,the power lies in the bottle. We have the choice to stay or go. Sadly we have no power over him, all the love in the world won't make them stop unless they make the choice. There is no way to reason with a person driven by the alcohol.
I hated hearing this.....
I hated knowing the man I loved chose the bottle over me and our happiness.
I felt like everything I knew to be true was a lie.
Years later after the discovery(closet drinker) I am finally putting my life in order.
You are not alone, find a group, read a book, and get yourself a therapist. There are many wise women here. Take what they say to heart.
Let him choose his road and you choose yours.
peace