Sorry, several typos, but you all will forgive me I'm sure.
He is also pretty angry I think because his manipulation attempts to focus on teabags and Keureg cups instead of the bottle of vodka do not work any more.
Poor washed up old man. Sigh.

Have you ever been chastised because you do not load the dishwasher correctly? Or perhaps you put the dirty dishes in the sink when they need to sit on the counter? Or perhaps you step out of the shower without first removing the water from your body, therefore resulting in a wet bathroom floor??? I'm there with ya' sister!! My counselor says he has a "sick brain" from the alcohol abuse, and I wholeheartedly agree.

Hi esq...
last night was a doozy!!!
For my part I did react after keeping my mouth shut for a few weeks as the drinking was escalating again. I HATE my raging codependent self!!!! So in an unsuccessful attempt to back out of the usual negative encounter I listened while he listed my flaws. Some legit but most ridiculous especially when compared to the emotional destruction of alcohol abuse so here they are : I somettimes leave a used Keurig pod on the counter. I sometimes leave my coffee cup a around before I leave for work, I leave a trail of
Debris ????? And he is tired of picking up after me?????
I am " woo-woo" and "out there" I don't center the frying pan directly over the burner. I occasionally leave gardening tools in the back yard. I talk too loud just like the rest of my stupid family. And finally I EXAGGERATE his drinking and its consequences. Last night I actually started to laugh when I was being dissected.
So fun.

Another way I deal with it is to just shut down my feelings and emotions and not react at all. Not even facial expression. When they are done with the rant and go away, I wouldn't go talk him again that night. Just go about my usually routine of taking care of my kids, dinner, bed and leave it at that. They really hate that. They so badly want a reaction and for you to feel as miserable as they do. The best revenge is to go on about you day, get things done, be in a good mood, like nothing was said. That shuts them down to.

Thanks bluesprite
He's home drinking and I'm at work... long story shorti called home for a bank acct # and he is out of his mind in a screaming rage about how he is sick of me being on his back (I am about drinking) and that he does not know how the girl he married turned into a bitch of a MAN!
( could it be 35 years of his alcoholism lies irresponsibility etc?)
Any way... I get off work in two hours and wish I brought my anti anxiety medication with me. I would make alternate plans but my son will be visiting later tonight and I rarely get to see him.
So I will follow your lead on this one. Maybe a yoga class or the gym just to stay away.
Ugh the saga continues. I will post the continuing story tomorrow ( like a soap opera
On my lunch break I started rereading Codependent No More needing a refresher

I just saw a quote that fits perfectly in dealing with addicts: Sometimes it's best to react with no reaction. This has come in handy so much over the last couple of months.

So true. Early on I learned you CANNOT fix the problem or even argue with a drunk when he is drunk. I am a musician and I wrote a song that addresses this issue precisely. The 1st verse starts with "silence..is the only way to deal with you. I can't say what's on my mind. I can't predict what you might do. I'm tired of fearing your wrath. I can't live like that...."

Good morning friends! The evening was not intolerable. I walked into an empty house ( a gift because he is never not here) I had ten minutes of privacy, took 1/2 tranquilizer, changed my clothes then he comes in with Chinese food. I don't really want it because I'm on weight watchers so I take a small amount and that's a problem ......."WHY DONT YOU WANT THAT EGG ROLL? I GOT YOU AN EGG ROLL!!!!" I got up and fed the dogs ( who won't eat for him so that was a problem too). Through out this whole experience I acted like nothing was wrong. He was so childlike in his temper tantrum that I actually had to suppress my laughter on a few occasions. He was redfaced sweaty stinking and fiercely holding on to his convictions that his drinking has nothing to do with our marital decline.
Here's what it did: he's sitting on the couch itching for a fight so I go over, sit on his lap in a suggestive way and ( gag) give a huge kiss!!!! He looks at me with glazed over eyes and says " I surrender " I suggest a nap. He goes up to bedroom, I don't follow. Two hours of blissful aloneness. My son arrived and did not walk into any tension.
This morning I remain kindly remote... skipping my yoga because of sons visit. Prince Charming pissy because I'm reading prayers.
Btw if any one interested The Magic of Prayers by Lee Milteer is wonderful!!!!!

Good for you. Sounds like it went well. The less you engage, the more they will try, until they have tried everything and just give up, running out of steam. Months ago, when I told my husband I want a divorce he didn't think that all his years of drinking was the main cause. He would say that I was just as much to blame as he was. He is still here and acts like we never had that time of turmoil this summer. He tries to point out things that he is trying to change, yet he still drinks every night by himself before he goes to bed. So, for now, I let him live in his little fantasy world and go about my days and nights, taking care of things. The trick too, is to not let your mind wander and start dwelling on their actions and how they have treated you, it leads you down a dark and sad road. I know I wouldn't have made it through all of this without God and a whole lot of prayer. Keep doing what you are doing and God will lead down the path he wants you to take.

Why do drunks do that? Pick you apart and point out your benign problems like they are catastrophic problems? I guess deflection? My husband did that all the darn time. One day I finally said, "there's not one dam thing that you can complain on me about that is enough for divorce or ligit for you to tear me down, your drinking is the sole problem right now and that's all there is to it. Nothing you say will make that change or different. So you can take my "crumbs" and shove it." He stopped ragging so much after that but it made me so angry! Ugh! Manipulation at its finest. And somehow his drinking and being an ass would be turned around and something I had done would be the focus.

They deflect, project, minimize, trivialize so much, to get the attention off of the real problem. I feel like once you are aware of the tactics they use, you are able to not engage as much anymore and feed into their games they play.

Jms7229 you made me laugh out loud! Our lives seem so similar! I, too, have sometimes almost laughed in his face when he is telling me how I said something that he thinks should have been said in a different way, left the light on when I should have turned it off, asked him a benign question that he didn't think I needed the answer to or any number of other terrible faults that I have! I used to cry and cower and absorb all his verbal abuse, but now I try to ignore it. No, it is still not easy sitting there waiting for him to begin his tirade, but I never win an argument when he has been drinking and all it gets me is a sleepless night and a husband who doesn't even remember it in the morning, sigh.
Of course, then he asks me if " I'm ok" if I act quiet. NO! I am not ok! But of course, I say that everything is fine so as to not start another fight. I have been on a blessed treadmill for 30 years! Oops! Starting to rant