Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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kavetra 06/12/2013

I have been reading a lot of post about women who are married to AH and all the sadness, misery, loss of self that they experience. My husband is a "functioning alcoholic" He has a good job, helps with our one year old son, pays the bills (basically gives me his whole check except for maybe $30). He drinks on all of his off days. He goes to clubs on fridays and come home drunk. He is not abusive but we have gotten in to arguments every since day on of our marriage and they always occur when he has been drinking. Alitle background of our marriage. We had a very short courtship. We married after dating for 2 months. We are now entering our 3rd year of marriage. At this point I feel like our marriage was a huge mistake. As I mentioned there was arguing and HIM threatening to leave and blaming me for his unhappiness from day one. At one point I did leave. (Since he is so miserable and feel like he is in prison then why stay) When I left he begged me to come back and said that he only said those things to win the argument but he didnt mean any of it. He promised to never say those things to me again which he hasnt. The problem is that for me the love was killed before it really had a time to grow. I had been contemplating leaving him way before the alcohol problem. For me the alcohol is just another reason among many others. We have a one year old son that we both love dearly. I'm staying now because of him, but dont know how long that will last since now alcoholism is the new problem. Im very ashamed and very embarassed because now I know that we married out of foolish impulse. If i had of known, what I know now I would have never married this man. I feel that if I would have waited I would have seen him for the type of man he is and would have left him alone. He is not a bad or mean person, he is just not the person that I would have chosen had i not acted so impulsively. I dont know what to do because now I feel like why should my son have to suffer and be with out his father just because of a stupid impulsive mistake I made.My husband wants us to stay married but for me the pain has way out wayed the happiness long ago before alcohol was even an issue. After reading about alcoholism and al anon, I dont know if i have enough love for him to want to even deal with that. I dont know if I should just stick it out and see and risk years of misery or cut my losses now and save me and my son the agony that alcoholism and bring to your life. My husband admits that he has a problem he went to a few AA meeting about 4 and then stop, he has the AA book but doesnt read it,His best friend is a stage 4 alcoholic and my husband hangs out and drink with him. He goes to bars and clubs that serve alcohol and has expressed that he CANNOT, stop going. He is now drinking again. How do you stay with a AH spouse when the love has been long gone.

deleted_user 06/12/2013

I can relate. I feel the same way. The more I learn about alcoholism, the more I see a future that I don't want. I know everyone says this, but take good care of yourself. Nurture your friendships, do things that bring you happiness, pour your energy into your little boy. I wish you the best life possible.

deleted_user 06/15/2013

I wish you the very best. And speaking from experience, of living with an AH that just relapsed after 20 years sober, I do not wish the pain of living with an alcoholic on anyone. It is a very long and tough road to live with one. It is hard enough to stay when you love them dearly, as I do mine, and from your post, you don't seem sure that you do. Staying for the children's sake doesn't always work either, because then they end up caught up in the misery and sadness too. If I had to do over again, not sure I would make the same decision that I have. I'm not by any means telling you to leave, just saying think about your happiness and future too. Best of luck to you.

lori47 06/16/2013

I cannot imagine trying to stay with an AH unless you loved the hell out of him. I loved my EXAH deeply and truly believe he was my soulmate. But that man no longer exists and he is practically a stranger and I have no contact. I don't think I ever would have given up on him if he hadn't walked away from me for an alcoholic woman.

With that said I loved that man way too much. I should have left him years ago. (Mostly together for 29 years). He slowly destroyed me and now I am trying to figure out who I am and if I will ever recover from the damage to my self esteem he has done. Do I regret it. Absolutely. I should have left 10 years before I did. I never believed he would hurt me as deeply as he has.

Do not stay for the kids. My EXAH and myself have hurt our kids. Him by not being a good dad the last 10 years and me just not being good on confrontation. My youngest has the biggest issues on self esteem. She is 19. And my son is 21. I know he is an alcoholic already and it breaks my heart that me staying with his dad raised him in the environment and with his dads genes this alcoholic family is being repeated. I love my son to death but I dread seeing him struggle with alcoholism in the future.

My son is the life of the party. Always making sure everyone is having a good time. But I watched him drink over 20 drinks in one day last week and was thankful when he finally passed out.

Is this what you want for your son???

lori47 06/16/2013

And my oldest is 25 and wants nothing to do with her dad. She did not wish him happy Father's Day. See she remembers the dad he used to be. And she is disgusted and embarrassed by him now. Think about this very hard. I messed up. You and your son are young. Give him a chance for a good future.

GonnaMakeIt 06/24/2013

I agree that staying for the kid is not a good idea. It's just not a good environment for the child, and I know that you feel that staying will help your son, but I don't think it will. My father was not an alcoholic, in fact her never drinks, it's just not his thing, but my step-father was and it's just no good for kids to be around. My alcoholic husband, well, yes, I am staying, as of now, but that's because he does seem to be taking steps to getting better and because I love him very much. But it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, and I've done a LOT of hard things! So if you don't love him like crazy, I'd say it's best to go, because it's really super hard to handle even when you do love them like crazy.

I totally understand not knowing if you should go or stay, it is something I have struggled with, and still struggle with. Mine stopped drinking, but keeps falling off the wagon. Every time he falls off the wagon, I almost leave, but then I convince myself (or he convinces me) that he will stay on the wagon this time. It is so temping to believe him. Right now, I'm choosing to stay. But I don't know how long I will last. I understand that it takes time to overcome an addiction, so there will be times he falls off the wagon, but I don't know how many years I am willing to sit here and wait for him to finally get totally better. There is a limit. I am not at mine yet (although I am very close), but it sounds like you have reached your limit.

deleted_user 06/26/2013

Please, do not stay for the sake of your son. One thing I have learned through 24 years of being together (17 of those married) is that your children grow up and practice what they learned growing up. If you stay in a bad relationship (alcoholism) and don't leave, they too will continue to give their partner many chances because their mother/father did. I am just now leaving (divorcing) now that my children are both grown, but I see the damage I did by staying. Above all else-take care of you and your son. If you aren't happy, neither will he be (although he is still a baby, they sense it). Best of luck to you. **Hugs**

deleted_user 07/15/2013

From my experience, it only gets worse - much worse.

Everything I have read tells the reader to run if they are dating an alcoholic.

Alcoholics are in their own world and they will do what they want when they want. If you have an opinion about something, the wrath of their screaming voice will explode! They argue about nothing because they love drama - it takes the focus off their drinking.

GonnaMakeIt 07/16/2013

coreen1, I don't agree that people should, for sure "run" if they're dating an alcoholic. In this particular case, yes, it does sound like the best thing. But it's not the best thing in every single situation. Many alcoholics do get better. Many don't. It just depends on so many things. For example, is he willing to admit he has a problem, and get help? If so, maybe there is hope. But if he won't admit it or get help, well, I'd say there's no hope at all. The point is, you shouldn't act as though every situation is the same, because it is not.

deleted_user 07/22/2013

It sounds like you are unhappy, do not love this man, and want to make a change. Follow your heart, it is always right.

bean22 07/27/2013

Please leave. I will never get those precious years back for my children.

Alcoholism and children is a hard boundary.

Please stop beating yourself up! We all make mistakes.

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